My 91-year-old father lives with us. He is negative, mean, anti-social and rude. It really affects the entire house. What can we do?

I posted earlier but would like to add to my post.

I seriously feel that basic life skills should be taught in all schools. I actually took an elective class in high school called ‘Marriage and Family’ because I grew up in a dysfunctional household. I was curious about the subject.

This was a very interesting class and the teacher was fantastic! We learned basic life skills about life if we decided to marry and have children. I only wish that this class would have covered caregiving for a parent! It would have served me well.

I wish that ‘life skills’ classes would be a requirement for all students to avoid future pitfalls in their lives. Many of us on this forum would make excellent teachers for this class.

As parents, it is our responsibility to raise our children to become independent.

We should never raise our children to feel obligated to us. I have made a conscious decision to never to expect my children to feel as if they are indebted to me simply because I raised them.

I have told my daughters that they will never be responsible for me in my older years. I want them to remain being my children. Relationships are damaged when prolonged caregiving is involved.

I have no desire for my children to become my caregivers like I was for my mother. I know firsthand how difficult it is. Each of my daughters respect how I feel and they appreciate it.

If parents choose to continually financially support their children they are teaching them to become dependent upon them. This is how FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) situations are created.

These situations are extremely different from the parents who temporarily help children get over a bump in the road. I’m not opposed to helping a child in order to be able to help themselves.

Children don’t ask to be born. It’s our job to care for them properly and ask for nothing in return.

It doesn’t work out due to a couple of factors.

The person who received money from the parent feels obligated or indebted to them.

The parent who gives or loans the money holds it over their heads. They may also be sorry that they made a foolish decision instead of allowing their child to figure out how to make ends meet on their own. They start to resent their child and treat them poorly.

If a parent does provide assistance to their child from the goodness of their heart, they should never throw it up in their children’s faces. A gift is a gift that doesn’t have to be paid back in any way, shape or form

Similar situation here. I just moved my 91 year old mother into my home 9 months ago. She is rude to my grandkids when they visit and hard to deal with. The tension in my home is here and I hate coming home. I had no clue that she was this bad. I work full-time and have to bathe her, feed her, etc. She cannot be trusted to be alone long and none of my siblings help or even care how this is effecting me and my husband. They tell me there is no other choice!!! I'm currently looking to find her assisted living because i will not be able to do this much longer. Had I known what I do now I would never have moved her in. Sometimes I sit outside and cry. I just found this site and am relieved in a way that I'm not the only one. I feel guilty not wanting to be her caregiver but I've come to realize that it's not fair to me or my family.

The " financial" input from him may be contributing to his behaviors which reflect dominance, control, entitlement etc; on the other hand, his chronological age 91 may be contributing with unexpressed various fears about EOL , limitations on independence , loss of independence etc, or even feeling like a burden but unable to verbalize " feelings" it all comes out as anger,
" cussing fits" etc. On the other hand, when was his last PCP checkup?
Suggest:
1. Get him into PCP for " checkup" and have PCP assess his actual cognitive status ( he could be developing some dementia related challenges and often these are exhibited in behaviors you describe).
Share ( tell) the PCP about these observed behaviors at home and have him/ her discuss these with the pt. Get suggestions, referrals from PCP about symptoms mgt and, a referral to a Senior / Elder Care social services case mgr who can possibly make some home visits and provide support, assessment etc options for everyone to have a healthier improved quality of life in the home.
2. If PCP deems the pt. cognitively appropriate to understand and retain information, then have the boundaries setting conversation with him to talk about your needs and how the home can be more peaceful. You can thank him if you like for his financial input into the home but make it clear that you will not be held captive and directed by that. That IF you are all to continue in the home together there has to be changes. The Senior SW services may be able to help you have this conversation.
3. Confer with an Elder Law Attorney to discuss the dynamics, situation and get valuable information about how to navigate the care responsibility, accountability of aging person going forward. This may prove invaluable to you going forward.
4. Perhaps consider some form of Senior Day Care to get him interactive with other seniors out of home, give some struy, purpose to his days....perhaps it may help him be less aggressive, demanding when home. Check with Senior Social services case mgr and PCP re appropriate services options to consider.
5. Be absolutely certain that you have all POA, and other needed authorization decisions making documents for medical, legal and financial needs for him in place and signed, notarized etc etc to give you or whoever is going to be assigned the authority needed to make decisions for him as needed. Elder Law Attorney or perhaps Licensed SW can help you with these if they are not in place or need updating.

Trying to establish a compassionate approach to maintaining your sanity and health is important. Practice good self care,get counseling support, and make YOUR and whole family's happiness ,quality of life the priority while respecting the 90 yr old without allowing him to control,dictate and bully you and the home. God bless you.

Why do you tolerate his abusive behavior? He lives in YOUR house not the other way around.

So what if he invested in your home. That does not give him a free pass to ruin everyone life in the house with his abusive behavior.

You and your husband have a talk. Do the two of you want him out of your home? If the answer is 'yes' tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated anymore and that he is moving out.
Offer to help him find a place.

If he throws a tantrum about it, tell him that you and your husband will legally evict him.

If you both want him to stay then you lay down some ground rules about his behavior.
You've got a senior brat on your hands. Give him a choice. Either he gets his act and behavior together or he leaves. Keep it simple.

I read this often here, others invest in someone's home and at the time it sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn't seem to work out that way, as when one is beholding to another it is a trap.

Seems it might be time to TT your brother about taking him for a period of time every year as he got a freebie too.

Or, buy him out of your home and then move him to AL, children should not be exposed to his behavior.

This is why you never accept money from a parent unless you are willing to put up with their quirks and behaviors.

But OP, I’m sure even if there had never been any financial help by your dad to you or your brother, you still would have helped him and allowed him to live in your house. You’re kind.

But he’s mean to you. It’s better you don’t live together.

Your marriage and your mental health will be affected as long as you live with him.

Because: You can't change him. Because he feels entitled. Because he probably has dementia going on (and that never gets better). Because because and because.

Time to real up and recognize the truth, and the truth is in my first paragraph. Accept that. Now, what is in your power to change? Make a list. Big long list. Then start working on it.

That's the only way out of this.

True independence will be your ticket to freedom. Start looking for your own place, on your own dime. When "help" comes with strings attached it's awful. So sorry you're in this mess and hope you can find a way out.