How do I help my spouse cope with the depression and sadness of not being together?
My spouse recently moved to an adult care home and is deeply distressed that he is not with me all the time. He thinks he did something wrong to make us part. He is so sad and depressed.
I don’t think that there is anything that you can do right now. He is grieving his loss of independence and being with you. Allow him to mourn for now.
Adjusting to his new surroundings will take time. It is completely obvious that you deeply care for your husband. You are already supporting him by showing him that you cared enough to want him to be receiving the best care possible.
Wishing you peace as both of you transition into this new situation.
Maybe you can give him a photo book of happy pictures of the two of you, and hang pictures around his room. Tape a big note that says, "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow!"
With dementia, it's hard to control what perceptions our loved ones have and which messages get through. The visuals sure won't hurt. Wishing you grace and peace in this hard time, Wicker.
I love the idea of the photo album. When I print pictures for my aunt (94) to enjoy Shutterfly allows you to place a text box on the photo. You can add names or what the special event was.
Your profile states that one of his issues is dementia. Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason, and this impacts judgment. This prevents them from being able to work their minds to a "better" state. And, if he has memory impairment... even if he was able to work his mind to a better state, he will forget and the cycle starts over. This means he may continue to be derpressed. In this case it would be wise to contact his doctor about meds. My 2 LOs with cognitive impairment benefited greatly from meds for mood and agitation. It is merciful option for him so please don't discount it.
I do not agree with any advice to stay away a couple weeks. That advice is for very specific situations, I'm familiar with that, and your situation doesn't fall in that category unless you wanted to crush him and I know you don't. Give him all the love and assurance you can. Spend time with him. Try to make it positive and fun for him as possible.
I have been involved in my local caregiver support group for folks with loved ones with dementia since 2018 and am still actively involved even though my husband has been dead for almost 3 years. I now help facilitate several local caregiver groups, and I can tell you that the folks that had to place their loved one and listened to the advice of the facility to stay away for up to 2 weeks, that their loved ones adjusted much quicker than those who chose to ignore that advice and continued to go every day. As harsh at it may sound to not visit for a few weeks, there is a method to the madness and honestly it's a win win for all involved, as it gives the person placed to get used to their new surroundings and the new people caring for them and around them. It also gives their loved one time to readjust to their loved one not being at home anymore. And of course family members can still call the facility any time they want to to check on their loved one, so they're not completely left in the dark for those few weeks.
I'm having this problem too. My husband is in a wonderful, kind assisted-living place (with memory unit -- he can die there), is visited by nurses 3 times a day, is greeted with affection by both staff and residents, but is still very isolated (by choice, I think), only going to meals, not attending the movies, lectures, exercise classes offered. He really misses me. Unfortunately the stress of caring for him when he got extremely ill, was in the hospital, went home and was going more and more quickly into dementia, has nearly killed me. I am truly too sick to leave my house much of the time, though I'd love to be with him. I go every day that I wake up feeling every mildly well. He "understands" about my own illness (even the doctor told him that he would have to try to help me get better by limiting demands) but he forgets, and it breaks my heart that he is so lonely.
My only solution so far is to have put his phone next to him with my number on auto-dial. I call him every day many times and just chat for a few minutes to tell him that I love him. Sometimes he calls me but he is getting less and less able to use the phone.
I'm interested in what people here recommend, and what you, Wicker, come up with.
Give him all the love and attention’s you can and be kind to yourself about your own limitations. My mother is at my home, but there are two things that help. Many dementia patients become disoriented to time and space. I bought her a large digital clock from Amazon that displays not only the date and time. But also the “time of day” ie: early evening, afternoon, before dawn. It has large print and seems to help her keep from getting confused about time and what day it is. For the isolation of being in her bedroom (she is bedridden), I make sure their are familiar pictures and a few of her favorite things and I keep the windows open to a view of bird feeders and our driveway. I also have an electronic photo frame that I can send photos to and which cycles through the photos every few seconds. Of course she has a TV. None of that makes up for you being able to visit him, but if any of these suggestions help him adjust when you are not there then they were worth writing. If not, I wish you peace with whatever you can do.
I know that you did what you had to do because with his dementia, incontinence and mobility issues he was getting to be just too much to care for in your home. So every day when you see him just reassure him that you love him and that you just couldn't care for him by yourself anymore. I know that when a loved one with dementia is placed in a facility it is recommended that you stay away for a couple of weeks so they can adjust to their new surroundings and caregivers. Have you done that? If not that is perhaps why he's having such a hard time. Give your husband time. He will eventually adjust. You take this time now to take care of yourself, so you can get back to just being your husbands loving wife and advocate. God bless you.
Normal or not as someone said --- it is very sad of what happens to some couples / partners when one person needs to move into a facility, and dementia / confusion, fears are activated / increased.
To 'recommend' not to help him thru his grief feels cruel to me. Not sure what that comment was about.
I am sure you feel sad / conflicted, too.
Visit as you wish ... don't see the reasoning to 'keep the visits short' (?) although I realize we all have differing experiences in many ways here.
My recommendation:
Be as present as you can when there. Touch him kiss him make lots of eye contact Smile Laugh.
As I did with my friend/companion "I loved him up" as much as I could when with him - he was in two different nursing home for two years ... as the time got closer to his demise, a year, a few months, a few weeks ... I visited more often and was 200% present. I posted lots of photos of me (and me and him) next to his bed, on his table and 'me and Jerry'. He appreciated them. He was bedridden.
Tell him how much you love him. Some medication might help him adjust.
I wouldn't recommend spending 'too much time' telling his it isn't his fault or anything he did. This likely won't help him much and will re-focus the time you have when there and the quality moments (smile, laugh, kiss him). That is his dementia/confusion 'talking'.
My heart goes out to you.
Self-care is important.
You might start to feel guilty not visiting as often as he'd like (24/7). You DO need to keep your self together, energy 'up' as much as possible, and get your re-newal time (sleep, exercise, your own friends/outings, adventures), time to meditate and cry.
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Adjusting to his new surroundings will take time. It is completely obvious that you deeply care for your husband. You are already supporting him by showing him that you cared enough to want him to be receiving the best care possible.
Wishing you peace as both of you transition into this new situation.
With dementia, it's hard to control what perceptions our loved ones have and which messages get through. The visuals sure won't hurt. Wishing you grace and peace in this hard time, Wicker.
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As harsh at it may sound to not visit for a few weeks, there is a method to the madness and honestly it's a win win for all involved, as it gives the person placed to get used to their new surroundings and the new people caring for them and around them. It also gives their loved one time to readjust to their loved one not being at home anymore.
And of course family members can still call the facility any time they want to to check on their loved one, so they're not completely left in the dark for those few weeks.
My only solution so far is to have put his phone next to him with my number on auto-dial. I call him every day many times and just chat for a few minutes to tell him that I love him. Sometimes he calls me but he is getting less and less able to use the phone.
I'm interested in what people here recommend, and what you, Wicker, come up with.
Betskand 7/6/2023
So every day when you see him just reassure him that you love him and that you just couldn't care for him by yourself anymore.
I know that when a loved one with dementia is placed in a facility it is recommended that you stay away for a couple of weeks so they can adjust to their new surroundings and caregivers. Have you done that? If not that is perhaps why he's having such a hard time.
Give your husband time. He will eventually adjust. You take this time now to take care of yourself, so you can get back to just being your husbands loving wife and advocate.
God bless you.
Sadly not everyone adjusts to their new setting. I hope he does and both of you find peace. It is no guarantee though sadly.
Normal or not as someone said --- it is very sad of what happens to some couples / partners when one person needs to move into a facility, and dementia / confusion, fears are activated / increased.
To 'recommend' not to help him thru his grief feels cruel to me. Not sure what that comment was about.
I am sure you feel sad / conflicted, too.
Visit as you wish ... don't see the reasoning to 'keep the visits short' (?) although I realize we all have differing experiences in many ways here.
My recommendation:
Be as present as you can when there.
Touch him
kiss him
make lots of eye contact
Smile
Laugh.
As I did with my friend/companion "I loved him up" as much as I could when with him - he was in two different nursing home for two years ... as the time got closer to his demise, a year, a few months, a few weeks ... I visited more often and was 200% present. I posted lots of photos of me (and me and him) next to his bed, on his table and 'me and Jerry'. He appreciated them. He was bedridden.
Tell him how much you love him.
Some medication might help him adjust.
I wouldn't recommend spending 'too much time' telling his it isn't his fault or anything he did. This likely won't help him much and will re-focus the time you have when there and the quality moments (smile, laugh, kiss him). That is his dementia/confusion 'talking'.
My heart goes out to you.
Self-care is important.
You might start to feel guilty not visiting as often as he'd like (24/7).
You DO need to keep your self together, energy 'up' as much as possible, and get your re-newal time (sleep, exercise, your own friends/outings, adventures), time to meditate and cry.
If it helps, call him as you feel comfortable.
Gena / Touch Matters
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