My mom is 93 and still able to walk very short distances with a walker. (to bathroom, kitchen and back) She has a sharp mind, however, she does forget things. I have 6 older sisters and 1 younger brother. I am daughter #7. Daughter #6, my brother and I are staying the times our paid caregiver is not there. Our paid caregiver is there Monday to Friday 11:00am - 6:00 pm. My sister #6 is retired and my brother is also but works very part time, and I work fulltime. One of the other 5 sisters was Mom's caregiver for years but tried to commit suicide 3 months ago. She is now living with one of the sisters and will stay with another to give the other a break. We all range from 60-73 years old. Four of us help pay for her caregiver ($600 a week) We are needing each of us to stay 1 night with Mom. (6pm to 11am) We all have our problems, financial issues, etc. They can find the time to go out in the evenings but not 1 day a week for their Mom. They come by, bring Mom a dinner, stay an hour or so, (if that) leave and go about their lives. I feel like those whom are paying should get their money back when she passes. If they cannot help financially nor able to sit with her for 1 day a week, why should we split the money from selling the house evenly (per the will)? We should be able to get our money back and then split the sale of the house. What if anything can we do? 2 of the sisters are the Power of Attorney's which also help pay for Mom's caregiver.
25 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
That should have been a wakeup call to get mom to a facility.
The "plan" you currently have is unworkable.
ADVERTISEMENT
If mom needs 24/7 care, it would make sense to put her in a facility. She won't like it but that's not the point. It's not about what she'll like but what is safe and appropriate.
Siblings almost never share the caregiving burden equally. Everyone does what they are willing to do. If some want to draw a line and say NO WAY, good for them. That should be respected. The rest of you should re-evaluate if you all really want to spend one night a week at mom's for years to come. I would say no thanks. If it was for a short term rehab situation, OK, do it. But not a long term solution to her caregiving needs. If siblings are feeling put upon because the imbalance of the workload, then they should be encouraged to back out without issue or shame.
Good luck.
As for the house, it will pass according to the will. The only way to change this is for her to make a new will.
No one is forced to give up their life for their parent, that is a personal choice.
This plan is an imposition on all concerned, my mother is 98 so your mother could live for awhile yet, imposing her problems on everyone else.
At 93 we finally were able to place my mother in AL after fighting with her over this for 10 years, guess what, she loves it, wishes that she had done it sooner. New friends, activities, bus trips and she doesn't have to lift a finger.
We sold her house and it is used to pay the shortfall every month, most likely there will be nothing left, that is fine, as we did not have to give up our lives for her.
Some people on here have bluntly pointed out that it was my choice to help my 75 year old, 10 years estranged, mentally ill mother who showed up one day. My brother, 350 miles away, declined any part of it, wouldn’t even listen to me speak of her in the beginning of this mess.
Sometimes, all the choice are bad.
I also thought the poster who mentioned that all the siblings are now elderly was spot on. For years my MIL and her sister helped their parents age at home until grandpa died at 98. Grandma just moved to AL this year a month before turning 99. They endured about 3 years of middle of the night phone calls, having to take meals daily, transport to appts etc. There is a huge extended local family, but only a few people willing to help.
Mom should be paying for caregivers NOT any of you.
But if this is how this is going for you...I am not going to get into it now.
The siblings that do not help out with care should then "pony up" the cost of the caregiver for the time that they should be doing a shift.
If the rest of you chose to extend the time the caregiver is there in place of the sibling then y'all get a bit of a break. OR you could chose to take that shift and pay yourself for the extra shift that you are doing.
Other option.
Everyone throws in the towel. Tell mom that this is just not working and she either needs round the clock caregivers or she needs to move to Assisted Living.
Explain to her that it is getting to the point where all of her children are unable to care for her safely.
If your mom can still make decisions, then ask her to make things financially fair now.
Unfair siblings don’t change. They won’t suddenly become fair, after your mom’s death. They’ll probably be even more unfair. Vultures. Wanting money.
sounds like she expected her kids to do it all, unfortunately. Does it not bother her how much you all have to scramble for her?
You and your siblings will spend $1800 each every year to pay for her aide. If she lives another five years, that’s $9,000 you have spent. (The other siblings should pay too.) What about you and your siblings old age? You are all going to wear yourselves out and by the time you all need help, none of you will be able to help the others.
Please read your very first sentence over again. Do you think that being able to walk short distances with a walker in her home is being self sufficient?
Your mom is 93! She is not going to be improving. She will require more help as time passes by.
Your mother owns a home. Sell it and pay for care in an assisted living facility. When money runs out, she can apply for Medicaid. Doesn’t this seem more sensible than bickering over a sitting schedule?
We are not carbon copies of each other. Let your siblings live their lives the way they choose to. Don’t destroy your relationships over this.
How is fighting amongst yourselves helping your mother? Does your mother expect you to care for her at home?
If your mom wishes to receive care from her children, then say, ‘Oh Mom, wouldn’t it be great if everyone was able to get everything that they wanted in life?
Mom, you know as well as the rest of us, that isn’t real life. Even characters in fairy tales have challenges in order to teach children important lessons.
We will find a nice place for you to live and oversee your care. We want to return to being your children instead of being your caregivers.’
This is a sorry game plan for all of you. You're protecting mom (you think) but sacrificing yourselves. Bad idea, and it's dysfunctional as H.
See All Answers