My mother is 90 yr/old, has dementia and lives in an ALF. She thinks that the staff lies to her and to me.

Your Mom has a Dementia. She can no longer be reasoned with. The staff says just to agree with her and thats what u need to do.

What do mean by its not productive in this situation. You need to realize that Mom is in her own little world and you have to join her there. Paranoia comes with Dementia. They can no longer reason. They can no longer process what you are saying and their short-term memory loss doesn't allow them to remember from day to day or minute to minute. In her mind they are lying and nothing you say will change that. She no longer sees the world as it is. Yes its frustrating but its what it is.

We have 2 things we use here to discribe Dementia. A broken brain or a dying brain. I use dying. Little by little as Dementia hits parts of the brain, they die. If Mom was not nasty before then maybe her Dementia has hit the part of her brain that has emotions. Maybe she needs a medication to calm her. I would discuss this with her Neurologist.

I went to visit my Mom at her AL. It was not unusual to find her walking the halls. On this visit thats where I found her, looking for a baby she heard crying. I told her there were no babies only adults. She said I was wrong there was a baby. One of the aides was in the hall and heard our conversation. Mom looked at her and said "If u tell me that there are no babies, I will believe you but not her" The aide told Mom their were no babies. Mom said "OK" and walked away.

Is it about her care or experiences there? I might err on the side of caution and at least get a voice activated recorder stuck in her room somewhere and hear what she hears while you are away. Maybe there are lies, or maybe you'll figure out why your mom thinks they lie.

Such a difficult situation. Her behavior sounds like she is progressing in her dementia journey. I worry that the AL might quickly tire of this level of behavior. My mom with dementia is also in AL but is not yet behaving like this. I would consider if mom could benefit from a little something to calm her down a bit. Otherwise the AL might determine that mom needs MC. Is there MC on site? My suggestions are what I plan on doing with my mom if/when she declines and behaves poorly - meds and if that doesn't work, move her to memory care.

Grandma1954 July 31, 2023 8:00 pm
How about trying one of these.
"Mom, I will talk to them again"
"Mom, I have a meeting scheduled with the administrator, we will discuss this"

It might be easier to give scenarios if you gave us an example of what "lies" she it believing they are telling.
Is it about medication? Her ?

Could you try playing into it and tell her you will be looking into then possibly redirect the topic?