My husband’s father is currently in a skilled nursing home for rehab after a fall at his home. He is insisting on returning to his home. He has been deemed competent. The problem is he really is unable to care for himself adequately. The home is in filthy condition. Mouse droppings every where on everything. He has not done a thing in years,doesn’t bathe wash his clothes, clean,or throw anything away. My husband found bags of soiled clothes everywhere. Apparently he has ordered new clothes instead of washing the dirty ones. Apparently he spends his day just sitting in a chair staring at the wall doing nothing. He has a tv doesn’t watch it.
He is a terrible person has always been so. My husband never speaks of his childhood as it was full of verbal and physical abuse by his Father. That man even molested his daughter for years and other young girls also . Nothing was ever reported. He was even verbally abusive to his wife especially after she had fallen and fractured her hip. When she could no longer wait on him, he told her that she was of no use to him anymore. She told me this herself when she was dying in the hospital from a fall and had 5 broken ribs. We all suspected that he had pushed her causing her to fall but when asked about it by the nurses,social worker and doctors all she would say is “ I don’t want to talk about it”. He even refused to see her when she asked him to come to the hospital and he knew she was dying. Only one of his grandchildren have anything to do with him. My husband has been the only one to mow his 2 acres of grass, weed eat, gather his trash, get his mail, buy his groceries , or take him to the doctor. Also that man will not let his son go into the doctors with him or share anything. My husband has no clue about anything going on.
His father will be 89 in January.
I am so afraid that he will insist on going home. We are having a care plan meeting this week at the nursing home. Can we be forced to take care of him? Right now he can only dress himself with extensive assistance,total care with lower body dressing, is incontinent of bladder, needs extensive assist with bathing,personal hygiene. He really needs 24 hour care. . He fell at home in the bathroom and laid there from about 10 pm til 11 am. He was found by the man who delivers his meal from Meals on wheels. The door was locked but was able to yell for help. This man has a life alert which he did not have on or his cordless phone with him . He also told the ER doctor he had not been taking his medications or eating or drinking as he should. He also has a fracture of his left upper arm. His father also wants help but doesn’t want to pay for it. What should my husband do? He has never gotten along with his Father for years due to the abuse and the fact that his Father never tells him anything or only speaks to him when he wants him to do something for him. I feel like we are in a nightmare. During this meeting I plan to tell the care plan team that we are not willing to care for his father, especially any personal care.
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Tell them that no family member will be providing care due to past abuse and lack of cooperation.
If they say they will have to make him a ward of the state say "yes, that's exactly what needs to happen."
If they say "state psychiatric facility" say "yes, that would be great."
If they promise to find "help coming into the home" say "no thank you."
Do NOT take him home, not to his place or yours, not even for an hour. You want a facility -to-facility transfer, because then he jumps the waiting lists.
They tried this my mom, we nearly caved. They made very promise under the sun. They would get her HHA hours, they would cover the hours family could not watch her. They would do the appeal and paperwork required.
They painted horrible pictures of facilities. Some were true, but even still you know your limits stand firm.
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Who "deemed" him competent? Is this creep the one telling you this? In the ER or hospital is not where they necessarily determine competency. Usually his primary doc or a neurologist does this.
Your husband has a dysfunctional codependency on his abusive Father. What person in their right mind would continue to engage with their abuser? Your husband needs to see a therapist to identify and enforce strong boundaries against his abuser and anyone else in his family trying to bully him into providing care. Hopefully it has nothing to do with inheritance or money issues. Nothing would be worth staying connected to their abuser. I wish you both clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you diconnect completely and move on with your lives.
Stand firm and strong: you aren’t qualified to care for someone with these issues. Say what you plan to say. Say it over and over. Do not let anyone insist.
The man needs to be in a care facility and that’s that.
Good luck.
How about if he was a sheep shearer in outback Australia?
An accountant? Chef? I dunno,a children's party entertainer?
Whatever his occupation NO-ONE has the right to insist he becomes an unpaid personal carer.
Dad needs a different care plan.
End of.
It took me 15 months to get her out. I finally got the knowledge that you are getting now, but it was too late for me, don't let it be too late for you.
But all ended well, she is in an AL now. I have my life back. But it was not easy to get her out, but I did it and I will never be tricked again into caring for her.
Currently, Pennsylvania is the only state to aggressively enforce its filial responsibility laws."
Source: https://fenelli.com/filial-responsibility-laws/#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20and%20their,enforce%20its%20filial%20responsibility%20laws.
So, since you don't live in PA...
NO -- your husband cannot be forced to care for him.
Have you father evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it, tell the Social Worker that you cannot care for him. That he will need to transfer to Long-term care. Tell them he is an "unsafe discharge" because he lives alone and cannot care for himself. No one can make u physically care for another. You take what money he has and use it for his care, aboutv3 months before he runs out, apply for Medicaid.
I may ask Office of Aging to document his home or Adult Protection Services. You can use the documentation to prove an "unsafe discharge". He may be competent but he is 24/7 care and no one to do the caring. From what you have written, there is some decline here.
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