What do I do about my father verbally abusing my mother?

My mother has been verbally abusive to her family her entire life. It always was bad but my mothers frustration in not being able to take care of my father these last few years made it worse for him. Living here with them as much as I have I heard what she has said. It was very ugly,

He had to be placed in a nursing home and one of the upsides is that he has some peace now. It is very hard for her to visit him a lot and when she does she has to maintain her social facade.

He's probably building up more anger about the situation than your mom personally. Don't ask if you can help, just show up and give him relief. Most of the time when you ask someone if they want help, they decline. All of us do it at all ages in our life.

Ask someone who lost a loved one - what can I do for you? Their brain is so scattered they can't think of a thing or to avoid asking, they don't. Some folks show up with a simple meal. While this person would never have asked you to cook for them, the meal will be appreciated and eaten.

The same thing happens when you are tired or the situation is wearing you out. It becomes 'it's ok, i can do this' even when you really need some help.

You and brother can create a calendar between yourselves to just show up. Don't ask again. Just be there. When mom needs some help, be the first to jump up and tell dad "I'll get it".

A friend was in similar shoes. Her Father had found himself a Caregiver instead of Husband & was finding it hard to cope, losing patience quickly. He saw it as 'his duty' to provide & care & therefore refused help from the adult children (although they kept offering).

One day he could cope no more.
Told all children he was done. The adult children quickly became a work team, spoke up to Mom's Doctor. Were pointed towards extra care, councelling & support for BOTH parents.

I believe an agency was found for home help (cleaning, personal care, sitting & some driving).
councelling was found for both.
This was crutial. The Father had described feeling a 'failure' for not being able to do everything - he then changed his perspective to see he needed 'a team'.

From solo hero to leader of the pack. Still a manll thing to do.

He also saw he HAD options (where he had seen none).

He was able to have the freedom to decide if he was indeed 'done' without judgement (leading to arranging alternative fulltime care or if he could go on with help. He decided he wanted to go on, & saw ACCEPTING HELP & swollowing his prode was his task to learn.

Men come in many shapes & sizes. Pamela, your Father may be nothing like that man... But I do hope he can somehow learn the task of accepting help is OK.

Using Professionals can often get this message through better than us 'children'.

Mom's Doctor, his own Doctor (if different), an Aging Care Needs Assessor, Lifeline or Men's Line Councelling. Often a regigious leader is very good of someone has a faith.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would be upset too. It’s disturbing to know that your mom is being mistreated by your father.

If your dad has always been this way, it’s unrealistic to expect him to be any different now.

In fact, his behavior is probably worse than before since the additional pressure of caregiving for your mom. Please know that I am not condoning his behavior.

Have you considered suggesting that your father hire a caregiver for your mom?

Best wishes to you and your family.

Welcome, PamelaJean!

What happens next is very much up to mom.

Does she want things to change? Is her depression being treated?

Has dad always been cruel to mom; is this a marriage -long dynamic?

Is he getting any help caring for her? Caring for someone elderly when you yourself are old is very hard.

Have you talked to their doctor about what you're observing,?

You offer to take your mother in to get away from his abuse. If that's not possible, then her situation will remain exactly as it is.

Your father is her caregiver. If no one is willing to take her in then her choices are pretty much limited to remaining in at home with her verbally abusive husband, or going into a nursing home.
No one ever chooses the nursing home.

So the best bet is to have a sit down with your father. Taking care of her is too much for him and he doesn't want to admit it.
Lay it out plainly that either they accept outside help willingly, or they wait for a tragedy to happen and the decision is no longer theirs to make.

Take your mother for a few days to give your father some respite time after you've had the talk with him. Let him think about it for a few days without your mother there.

Your profile says that you're caring for her. If dad's always been like this to your mom it's unlikely not going to change. I hope things don't get worse.

I'm sorry your Father is verbally abusing your Mom that can't be easy to witness. It is often hard for people to accept or ask for help. Especially if your father is used to taking care of everything on his own. Sometimes change is just what the Dr. ordered and it's needed and necessary and people don't know what they were missing until it is received.

Is there anyway you could take your Mom out? Is she able to leave the house? You could take her places to help her be less anxious and give him a break. I know in Sarasota FL they have dance classes for people with Parkinson's where they sit and do movements. Maybe New Hampshire has something like that your Mom might enjoy? You could bring your moms favorite foods over or activities your Mom is able to do and sit and eat with her, do activities with her and take up her time for an entire day a couple times a week. That would help give your Father a break. Hired help services are all also great options if you can talk your Father into that. Maybe if you start small and work your way up to more once your Father realizes how nice it is to take a break and how much he needs it. I hope this helps <3

If he's always been selfish and childish (silent treatment) I'd think the caregiving aspect has brought out the worst of what was already there.

Your mother may be so used to his bad temper that she doesn't realize how his behavior is wrong and damaging.

My dad has always been abusive towards my mom. As my sisters and I grew older we would protect my mom from my dad. We would often take her to live with us to get a break. We encouraged my mom to divorce my dad but for unknown reason she wasn’t able to until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Before Alzheimer’s my mom always told us she wants us to care for her not my dad. We now hold the POA on my mom not my dad. To this day, I blame my dad for my mom’s dementia because my mom was often anxious and agitated scared of my dad. I would move your mom and talk to an elder lawyer and see how you can be your mom’s POA so you can take care of your mom.