I was wondering about experiences with end of life of loved ones.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

She knew🙏🏾

My mother was given no food and slept a deep sleep for three solid weeks before she died. There became no way to predict when it might come and in the end she was alone. My father last spoke to us the day before he died and then slept the same deep sleep. I held his hand through his last breathe. It was both and honor to be there and traumatic for me. I came to see death as very much a solo journey and don’t believe all that hype of “they can hear you” Our wise hospice nurse told me about 20 or so hours before my dad died that “he’s already gone, his body just hasn’t gotten the message” I completely believe that was true and though I was right there, I don’t believe it was particularly important to be. Both of my parents were so very tired of overwhelming health issues and quite ready to leave this world and though I miss them still, I cannot wish them back. I wish you healing and peace

RD,

One reason why I couldn’t go see my mom’s body after she died was because there was a kid in my speech class who did their ‘informative’ speech on, ‘How to embalm a body.’

Detailed information on what occurs to a body after death was given!

That student’s family owned a mortuary. I was very disturbed by their speech but the student got an A for a unique topic and the information given!

My mom's passing was not what I wanted.

After being a caregiver for many years and trying to do my best for her every day, she died when I left the room for only a few minutes. She was alone. It made me feel like I had failed even after all of the hoops I had jumped all of those years. Anti-climatic. We never spoke of death in a conversation. She was afraid of it. So, I had her write in a journal what she wanted so that I had a clear understanding of what she wanted at her funeral. I did my best to do everything she wished (even the dress she wanted to wear).

I have written many times, here on the forum, that my mom was an introvert. I have heard that people die the way they live. She was so comfortable with her own company that I like to believe she died alone because she chose to. At least that makes me feel less sorrowful over not being with her when she died.

I will tell you that it has really been something I have had to have counseling for. All of those years, doing every thing I could to make sure she was ok only to not be in the room when she passed (when my presence counted the most). I have started a journal, writing down the things I know I did right since I tend to focus on the things I wish I could change.

It does get easier. It will be 10 months this week and I do not think about it every day. I just have days where it overwhelms me and I think I cannot breath. It passes. I have even been able to smile at some of the good memories.

Grief is complex. Relationships are complex. Give yourself time.

Thank you everyone. I guess what I was trying to say is that I wanted her end to have positive messages from me as we often hadn't agreed. It wasn't so much about seeing her last breath. I was telling her I loved her and kissed her each time before I left. That will have to suffice. I just wanted to thank her for the positives and I didn't feel I did that as she went so quickly. I was told we had a week or 10 days more and then she was gone. On a positive note 2 days before my husband read to her from a favorite book and told her we would see her in 2 days. She nodded in agreement before falling back asleep.

My husband and I were there holding onto mom when she drew her last breath a month ago- although we didn't realize it then. She had dementia, was on home hospice after a fall & was bedbound. She lost the ability to converse and was answering only yes or no the last few months

I am very slowly accepting - that mom's gone - by connecting with friends and cousins who also lost parents. I need to know that I'm not the only with both parents gone - I got a lot of comfort from the kind words in this forum. I'm also tempted to join support groups although the stories from these groups will make me even sadder, so I will see.

Like you, my mother was declining for a long time. By the time she actually passed, it was a relief for me bc she was finally free of pain and suffering and had achieved perfect peace.

She NEVER talked about death and had no idea she was under hospice care at the AL bc she hated that idea and fought it mightily.

Unlike you, I did not want to be with mom as she took her last breath. So Chuck and I went home early in the evening on the day I knew she'd pass. I did not want that memory of her etched in my mind for the rest of my life. We'd spent that whole day with her, listening to her rattled breathing, and giant hiccups which scared me something fierce.

Especially since at that point, I knew mom had already transitioned to the other side and only her body was left in the bed to die. Her soul was already free.

She died at 9:30pm that night.

We went back to the MC to see her body and to say goodbye. That was all the closure I needed. When we meet again, then we'll talk. 😁

My father passed Friday on hospice. We had all discussed death openly, and I knew Dad had accepted his. I last saw him about 36 hours before he died. It would have been terribly hard on me had I not. I’m very sorry.

I think closure is different for each person and some therapists tell you its the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I will tell you, however, that it doesn't stop hurting. It fades a little but sometimes it will come back and slap you in the face and you just cry or just laugh at a memory. I hope you have some one you can talk to, accept your crying and just listen to you. For me, I have friends and family that when it comes we feel together be it happy or sad. I also, believe that some day I will see them again, that helps me get through the sad ones. Blessings to you!

I've been with 3 loved ones when they passed away -- my mother, mother-in-law, and most recently my husband. My mother was first, and it was very peaceful. She had advanced lung failure, was home on oxygen, with caregivers, for the last month of her life. She was very cognizant to the end, though had a few episodes of strange behavior which I think were due to lack of oxygen. Although she didn't speak with medirectly about what she sensed was impending, she was calling and speaking with a lot of friends and family in the last weeks, Saying goodbye I think. She was imparting last bits of advice to them! On the day she died, we didn't realize it was her last day until she stated being less responsive and her breathing changed. I called my husband to come right over, and he and I and her favorite home health aide were with her. She said a few things in the last 10 minutes or so, though she had her eyes closed and was clearly drifting away from us. My experience with my mother in law was different, but was also pretty peaceful. She had pain the night before, was taken by a firend to the ER where she was sidiagnosed and sent home. It turned out she was probably having a heart attack then; friend stayed overngt and found her unconscious in the morning. My husband and I drove right down (about an hour) and were with her in the hospital where she passed without regaining consciousness; we did talk to her, and she opened her eyes a couple of times but it was as though she wasn't seeing anything. My husband had a sudden severe stroke at home and couldn't speak, though could understand me and follow directions. Ambulance came, and by the time I got to the ER he was unconscious and never regained consciousness. There was time to call nearby children and we sat vigil with him all night until he passed in the morning. He was initially restless and uncomfortable, but was giving medications and was very calm and at peace. Knowing that hearing is said to be the last to go, we talked to him, read text messages from the other kids to him, put the phone to his ear, sang to him, rubbed his feet and head (which he loved), held his hand. When my mother was dying she had the typical "death rattle" for a little while but my husband did not (possibly because of the medications). I think my experience with my mother, which I hadn't planned or expected, laid the groundwork for me to be comfortable with my later experiences of being with dying loved ones.

Very rarely do we get to experience a sweet, beautiful 'passing'. Because life is fraught with drama and feelings and all that goes along with that...

I try very hard to be on good terms with the people in my life for several reasons--I love them and want them to know it. I want there to be harmony in my life and esp with my family. I want them to know I love them, without conditions.

I don't like drama and bad feelings.

My mom and I had a fairly rocky relationship--but we loved each other and although she passed and was alone when that happened, I had no bad feelings or issues with her. I also believe that death is simply like walking into another world--very close to this one.

I try to be sure that I tell my LO's that I love them. Every time I talk to them, or see them. Not b/c I'm afraid they'll die and I will feel guilty, but b/c the world just needs more love in it. If they choose to reciprocate with an "I love you too", that's fine.

I am sad that my MIL will pass and I will not have these feelings, but she chose the path of hate and although I do NOT hate her, she hates me, and has created this huge wall of defensiveness. She's the one who's losing out.

I was holding my sweet daddy's hand when he died. It was so beautiful and sweet. I count it as one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had.

I was not present when mom passed. But my sister and I dressed her for her burial and that was beautiful and tender, to do that final gift for her.

Eternity is a long time to work out troubled relationships. I know the few that I have will be worked out, eventually.

I think a lot of us are hung up on what I think of as the Hollywood death - you know, where people with terminal illness leave loving and meaningful messages and those on their deathbeds utter one last precious word that brings peace and comfort. My own nephew - a grown azz man - was disappointed the correspondence sent to him from my mom's estate didn't include some kind of letter from his grandmother, a woman who had been lost in dementia for years.

I feel remorse I was too inexperienced, weak and afraid to be with my father and my brother, I held my mother's hand right up until her final few moments. Grief is grief, and in my opinion the concept of closure is over rated.

If I needed closure, there is one thing that I definitely wouldn’t do. I definitely wouldn’t go see a psychic. I’m very skeptical about them and feel that they take advantage of people who are grieving.

Even if certain people are psychic, there are too many scammers in this field. I find this especially to be true about the well known ones that appear on television and stages.

These so called psychics get rich by simply performing ‘hot and cold’ readings or looking at people’s Facebook profiles.

So many people want to believe their words to be true and no matter how much proof is provided they will still believe whatever is said. It’s really sad.

Of course, fake psychics don’t feel badly for ripping people off because they feel they are helping others by telling them their fabricated stories that could apply to anyone.

I have never been to one. I know several people who have gone to see them. I would be concerned that I would start laughing at their supposedly psychic abilities. I don’t think they would appreciate me as a client.

It’s funny how I can giggle about this stuff with some people and others will get upset and staunchly disagree and defend the psychics.

I have that lack of closure feeling too. My mother died when she wasn't supposed to. I didn't get to be with her and there was no chance to say goodbye. She didn't think she was going to die when she did either.

I know her thoughts about death in general and she had peace about life after death. But I don't know anything she was thinking as she was dying and I've always been bothered I wasn't there with her and also bothered by how she died when that wasn't what was supposed to happen.

Writing this is making me bothered about it all over again and it's been four years! I try to put it out of my mind since nothing can be done to bring her back or change it.

Our family does something many find weird, we have the funeral so to speak when they are alive. We call it a celebration of life party. Everyone gets together it is time to hash out old issues, remember the good times, settle the bad. After that point some family members take matters into their own hands or the go peacefully and we never hear another thing about their passing. This is roughly a month process where family gathers around does what we do and after the month for the most part the person is considered dead already. We try not to dwell on it. In short we are weird.

I didn’t want to see my mother take her last breath because it would have broken my heart to see her die.

I was there shortly before she died. My brother was with her and it was important for him to be with her at the end so I am glad that he was.

My mother was at peace with death and that allowed me to accept her death easier.

She was ready to be with my father who died many years earlier. They were married for 56 years and loved each other deeply.

I wasn’t there at the exact moment of death for either parent, but I watched their deaths for more than 5 years while managing their care and business also. I made sure I said everything I needed to say early on.

When they died, I felt huge relief. They were no longer suffering. The relief was enough closure for me.

Maybe it would help if you thought about it that way. My condolences on your loss, and I hope you find the closure you need.