I get my moms groceries for her since she rarely feels like leaving the house anymore. I bring her food sometimes for dinner but I don’t get home from work until 4 and that’s when she wants to eat dinner so it don’t usually work out. Sometimes she’ll save it for the next day but she’s very picky and don’t really like food that she considers leftovers.
There are certain things that she gets every week for instance she gets the instant oatmeal cups and she eats one every morning and just other things like that. She likes microwave food because she doesn’t like cooking. The past few times I’ve went she would make a list and it would be for example : 2 oatmeal cups. 3 cans cat food. ( she has three cats) 1 coke. You get the idea. No where near enough to last but a couple days. Then she will want me to go back in two days and get the same amounts.
Today when I went to get her groceries, I got seven oatmeal cups a box of cat food cans, a bag of cat food and enough drinks and food to last the whole week so I wouldn’t have to go back again. Well, she got so so mad at me. She said I got way too much and I was using all her money on groceries. ( It costs the same whether I go every two days or once a week. ) I don’t mind getting moms groceries , but I don’t want to go three days a week. What should I do to make us both happy?
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Your time is precious. Don’t give it all to other people.
I see from your profile you’re a full-time caregiver for your mom. Be careful. That often leads to enormous resentment, bad health and sadness at your time and young life slipping by. You weren’t born to just care for your mom. Don’t be another sacrificed girl.
Stop, making her food, stop grocery shopping for her, let her order what she wants and have it delivered to her door.
Stand up for yourself, you will NEVER make her happy, regardless of what you do.
You are letting her control you, time to back off.
Sending support your way.
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But the kitties, poor creatures, will want to be fed daily. Perhaps the OP can purchase one of those automatic dispensers for that, assuming they will accept dry food. If they have been trained/spoiled by their fussy old owner to reject anything but the stinky wet canned stuff, then, wellll, I’d say there are SEVERAL creatures in that house who are going to have to learn to “put up or shut up!”
This is just the latest issue with your mother. Why don't you tell her that if she doesn't like the way you do grocery shopping for her, that she can figure out another way to get her groceries?
As time went on I saw what abilities seemed to be slipping;
- reason over amount spent
- planning meals more than a few days
- remembering what was already in the cupboards
Later on, TIAs were diagnosed.
The reality is your Mother is losing independance. You have stepped in to take the shopping task on - so you get to do these tasks they way it suits you ie ONE time saving weekly shop.
Mother can either do it all herself or accept your help your way.
Otherwise it's crazy-town of * I need help * don't do it that way! * I don't want your help* I want you to do it * Don't do that * You have to do it for me *
A big part of this had to do with where we lived when I was growing up. We were in one of NYC's boroughs, so a lot of our grocery shopping was within walking distance. It was generally the norm to do the "big" shopping order - bulk items like paper goods, heavy items like canned and boxed goods - every other week, while going up onto "the Avenue" every other day for meat, produce and dairy products. We had a dedicated butcher shop and green grocer a few blocks from our house, while my dad would go to the "dairy barn" mostly Sunday mornings to get milk and cheese.
I kind of kept the habit of grocery shopping 2-3 times a week once I moved to Orange County NY, where everything needs to be by car. It's just the habit I had gotten into in my youth, and I saw no reason to change it. I was never one to plan out a week's worth of dinners, so I would go at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times, especially when my kids were young.
Until Covid.
Then I started going only once per week. It took a llloooonnnngggg time to convince my mom that I was only going to go once a week, and if she ran out of something because she was going to be stubborn about only asking to get enough of her grocery choices to last her a few days, then so be it. She was going to have to do without that particular item until the next time I went shopping. She lived in my house, she wasn't going to starve, but I was NOT going to go out 2-3 times a week and increase our risk of being exposed to Covid because she didn't want to deviate from her old habits. When I mentioned the increased Covid risk, her answer was "oh, I don't care if I get Covid." to which I replied "That's all very well and good mom, but *I* don't want to get Covid. And what are you going to do if I DO get Covid? Who is going to take care of YOU?" That sort of gave her pause to think.
She got used to the once-weekly shopping trip. She wasn't happy about it, but she got used to it.
If I were you, I would just get her a week's worth of groceries, whether she likes it or not. If she fusses, let her fuss. Let her get mad. DO NOT accept her behavior if she gets physical! She needs you way more than you need her at this point, and you might want to remind her of that fact. "Mom, these are your options: I can either get your groceries once a week, or you can order them yourself online and have them delivered. I am NOT going to run back and forth to the grocery store for you multiple times a week, I have neither the time nor the desire to do so. What is your choice?" There is no reason for you to feel guilty about this.
Good luck.
I agree with you that the daughter has to discuss options with her mom.
So if she thinks an oatmeal cup and a coke will last her seven days, then good luck with the hunger and starvation.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (mostly to elderly) and operate my own homecare business. I was also one to my senior brat mother.
This is exactly what you have on your hands. A senior brat. You deal with one of those the ame as you do with a child one. Totally ignore them when they're acting up, and if they go to far put them in their place.
Please, for your sake stop tolerating this asinine nonsense crap of going to the store several times a week.
Also, if she doesn't like leftovers tell her to eat it when it's fresh or go without.
A little tough love works wonders with a senior brat. When your mother finds that the one cup of oatmeal isn't cutting it for the week, she'll be far less fussy and disrespectful to you.
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