How can I get my narcissistic, paranoid, demanding mom to move to an assisted living facility with my dad? He is willing but she is not.
They were given the choice to stay in their apt with caregivers in the morning & evening to make meals & do med management, laundry & clean. They refused saying they are independent (NOT). Yet they keep asking me for help.
What kind of help are you giving them now? Since they refused paid caregivers, did you step in? If so, how much time and what kind of help do you provide?
Do you have POA/HCPOA? What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?
Mandala, in your case I think I would make a list. A list of all the tasks. Add whether your folks can do the task alone, with some help or need doing for them. Show them & discuss it.
Your approach can be one of *concern* rather than You Must Have Help.
The message can be It IS OK to accept help. This is aging, like it or not. That *accepting help* is their challenge now.
It takes a village. Either village workers come to your home (home help), or you move into a village-like setting (AL).
"I am/we are living alone independantly". That is often what a LO says.
This is their stubborn heels-dug-in stance. eg They many KNOW they need help but want to fight it.
Or maybe they are in denial about aging or an illness?
Or maybe 'being indpendant' is what they really believe.. eg they lack insight (very common with brain conditions eg stroke, dementia, MCI. ABI & mental illness too).
A Social Worker told me a Psychologist or Social Worker can help transistion a person's thinking closer towards the realty of their situation. (IF the person is open to seeing one of course!)
SW went on to explain that when others (often close family) do many of their ADLs the person views this as still done by 'themselves'. They don't differentiate.
I've seen this up close whenever my LO had a needs asseasment. Do you do your own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry? Yes. Arrange own medications? Yes. Bills? I have some help.
The reality was groceries & medications were bought, paid & delivered by family. All cleaning & laundry by family or home help. Cooking was in fact snacks & frozen meal reheats. Finacial matters were managed by family & a trustee but daily spending allowance was handled independantly. The perception & reality differed.
So the Social Worker re-phrased: "You are living alone, dependantly. Very dependant on family help & home support services". Oomph!!
That was like eye-opener #1.
The Doctor had eye-opener # 2 + alot of good advice. 1. Was this working? Was this sustainable? Was it becoming too burdonsome on family?
2. Step back. Stop helping so much. Give OTHER choices. Let them choose.
A Councellor had eye-opener #3. Have a REAL chat with LO. This may take SIX times for this to even start to sink in for them. Then as actions speak lounder than words, take action. Withdraw your help.
No more 'on call': "That will have to wait for my next visit".
No more taking on tasks because they refuse to hire. Eg mow lawns or clean windows. Hire or go without. Hire a housecleaner or go without. Arrange groceries to be delivered. Accept or go without.
Harsh? Yes. Dr told me (in my situation) not to even buy milk. Called it *natural consequences* method.
Don't enable their poor choices by participating in care. Provide them with phone numbers of Visiting Angels or some like group. Unless they are diagnosed as incompetent there is little you can do about the poor decisions of someone else. Just be certain you don't make it easy for them to MAKE poor decisions.
You need to show them that they are not truly independent. Do less. I think they already have a lot of good support. Someone is there every day to check on them. Of course they need help with paperwork, appointments etc and that will carry on even if they go into assisted living. In fact it will probably increase.
You can get them to move by quitting helping them. As long as they have you to be at their beck and call they have no reason to move. So stop and let them both find out exactly just how "independent" they are. Without you enabling them they will be begging to go into the assisted living facility. And if mom won't go, just tell your dad to go on without her. I'm guessing she will follow shortly after.
9 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
What kind of help are you giving them now? Since they refused paid caregivers, did you step in? If so, how much time and what kind of help do you provide?
Do you have POA/HCPOA? What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?
Your approach can be one of *concern* rather than You Must Have Help.
The message can be It IS OK to accept help. This is aging, like it or not. That *accepting help* is their challenge now.
It takes a village.
Either village workers come to your home (home help), or you move into a village-like setting (AL).
ADVERTISEMENT
That is often what a LO says.
This is their stubborn heels-dug-in stance. eg They many KNOW they need help but want to fight it.
Or maybe they are in denial about aging or an illness?
Or maybe 'being indpendant' is what they really believe.. eg they lack insight (very common with brain conditions eg stroke, dementia, MCI. ABI & mental illness too).
A Social Worker told me a Psychologist or Social Worker can help transistion a person's thinking closer towards the realty of their situation. (IF the person is open to seeing one of course!)
SW went on to explain that when others (often close family) do many of their ADLs the person views this as still done by 'themselves'. They don't differentiate.
I've seen this up close whenever my LO had a needs asseasment. Do you do your own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry? Yes.
Arrange own medications? Yes.
Bills? I have some help.
The reality was groceries & medications were bought, paid & delivered by family. All cleaning & laundry by family or home help. Cooking was in fact snacks & frozen meal reheats. Finacial matters were managed by family & a trustee but daily spending allowance was handled independantly.
The perception & reality differed.
So the Social Worker re-phrased:
"You are living alone, dependantly. Very dependant on family help & home support services".
Oomph!!
That was like eye-opener #1.
The Doctor had eye-opener # 2 + alot of good advice.
1. Was this working? Was this sustainable? Was it becoming too burdonsome on family?
2. Step back. Stop helping so much. Give OTHER choices. Let them choose.
A Councellor had eye-opener #3.
Have a REAL chat with LO.
This may take SIX times for this to even start to sink in for them. Then as actions speak lounder than words, take action. Withdraw your help.
No more 'on call': "That will have to wait for my next visit".
No more taking on tasks because they refuse to hire. Eg mow lawns or clean windows. Hire or go without. Hire a housecleaner or go without. Arrange groceries to be delivered. Accept or go without.
Harsh? Yes.
Dr told me (in my situation) not to even buy milk.
Called it *natural consequences* method.
So stop and let them both find out exactly just how "independent" they are. Without you enabling them they will be begging to go into the assisted living facility. And if mom won't go, just tell your dad to go on without her. I'm guessing she will follow shortly after.