I’ve gotten some pretty serious news from my doctors. We don’t know what it is or where exactly I got whatever it is, but there is the possibility of it being as serious as it gets. I’m under orders if certain things happen to go straight to the ER. I think, and I’m not joking, that the doctors don’t understand why I’m still standing. Now, it’s not impossible it’s something that’s fixable too but, regardless, I need to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
I want to have a conversation with my father about where he is in his life, a come to Jesus, conversation so to speak. He can’t live alone, not without help, but he’s completely deluded about his abilities and refuses, ever, to do things that would help him. That’s not true, he eventually does it, sometimes, just always months and years late.
But, if I tell him what’s going on with me, he’s going to freak completely out, and I mean completely out, so much so, that he’ll add to my burden.
What I’ve done is talked to the 3 people who are his closest friends and backup caregivers, told them my situation, and kept the information from him. Two of them confirmed my concerns about his ability, one of them pretty much sounds exactly like me when we talked about him.
If I pass away, he’ll have enough money to go to the nicest assisted living place in the area and stay there for as long as he needs, unless he lives to 120, and possibly even then. He would be around people, etc. And if he wants to hide in his room, he can sit there and do that too.
Any thoughts?
Again, we don’t know what’s going on, and modern medicine can be amazing, so maybe I’m wrong and I’m going to be around, but it’s damn scary.
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I believe you have done the right thing.
The important thing now it to settle things for your Dad in that you have had the time you have had and that you have learned from and cared about him. Settle that the love and respect are there. Be certain your Dad has access to YOUR information as you have it to his. Just tell him something silly like :
"You know Dad, I just heard about a fellow caring for his folks who suddenly dropped dead of an aneursym. And it made me know how much we just live day to day accepting that the old will pass before the young. Were anything to happen to me ever, here is my attorney's phone number, pasted right up here by the phone. He will see to it you live rich the rest of your life!"
Then give a hearty laugh.
It's important now that you settle your own papers and speak to your own bankers, advisors, and etc. so things ARE set up as you wish.
I sure hope things go well for you.
Just wanted to update things. I do have lung cancer. They’re going to scan me to check if I have any other cancers. I’ve never smoked or been around anything toxic to my knowledge, although I guess I may have been. I have no idea what the plan is or anything else, I just found out yesterday, although obviously I kind of expected this. I’ll know more next week on Tuesday.
I have told my father. I reached out to a lawyer, didn’t hear back, so I’ll have to follow up there. I got him to agree that he needed to go somewhere, then today, he forgot about that.
He has a right to live how he wants to but he’s also not capable any more, I don’t have to put up with the bullsh*t any more and I may not be capable any more either.
I did slam out an emergency will.
Things are moving fast but not fast enough.
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You hang in there. It's a trip hearing cancer; I know, as I had breast cancer with spread to two lymph nodes 36 years ago. And here I still am with no recurrence, knock wood.
You will find communities out there anywhere from FB on to help inform you and help you get through. Yes, you do need to get your stuff together now with an attorney. Pay to do that; it is wisest. And yes, Dad has to adjust, have his place where he is placed, and enjoy your visits as you do them often as you feel able during treatment.
I hope you will keep up updated and know we ALL are in your corner.
I have told my father what I know and that I can’t be his caregiver any more. I’m going to meet with some family members about him soon. He wants to try and do it on his own.
A couple of people asked about my family, unfortunately, I never married, so I don’t have that resource. I do have some friends and relatives stepping up to offer help so I won’t be completely alone, but I will be alone for some of it.
There is one small benefit to this, it does put things in perspective, and it’s liberating in a small way because some things just don’t matter now.
Again, thank you for your thoughts and support.
You have cancer you need to focus on yourself. You dont have time to take care of him and entertain his fantasy of self sufficiency.
Dad needs to check his wants and do something he doesnt want to do because he loves you and cares about you too. Now the question is will dad or will he remain selfish and self centered?
My guess is dad won't make this easy for you.
Oh well--I've heard weirder things.
When I got my cancer dx, I just tucked my head down and barreled through all the testing. I knew the day after I 'thought' I might have cancer to have a definite dx, so there wasn't a lot of time to process it before I had to start chemo.
I remember wondering if I should tell my aging mom. I finally did, and she just said "Oh, OK". And then didn't talk to me for over a year. My MIL actually was so disappointed that I went into remission she said "Oh, why didn't you just DIE?".
My mom couldn't handle it and my MIL hates me, so it was kind of hard, knowing I had to really work to create a 'village' of people who DID care about me and did help me.
It's the 'not knowing' that is the worst. As bad as the actual TXs can be, at least you are doing something.
I hope you can quickly get all your ducks in a row and then spend time taking care of yourself. Worrying about dad is not going to be productive or helpful. Make yourself the first priority. I totally get the fear and all the anxiety that comes along with the initial dx. It's surreal.
I hope your treatments are not too awful and that you get to beat this.
Prayers for you. I had a lot of people on this forum praying for me and I know it felt so good, at times, b/c there will be times you feel totally alone.
And yes! Medicine has come a LONG way in the TX of cancer.
((Hugs))
I would, however, make a binder that includes all of your important papers, a spreadsheet with names and account numbers and phone numbers for all of your finances. Leave the location for this binder with your attorney.
Maybe include all of your funeral requests, in another tab.
Have you established a POA for YOU?
God willing, all will be well. If not, or even in the future, whomever takes care of your business will thank you for all of this preparation.
Best wishes to you!
Unfortunately they’re going to biopsy the lung on Monday. This isn’t like a skin biopsy, they insert a needle, the lung can deflate and it’s about a 10% risk. But, we have to know what’s going on in the lung so the risk isn’t even calculable really. If it goes ok, I should be able to get the lawyer later in the week.
I talked to my father indirectly about it yesterday, just that I thought he should go into assisted living if anything happened to me. He’s aware there’s health issues, just not how serious it might be, and he flipped completely out. He didn’t flip out in a way that made any sense to me, it was weird stuff.
We need to update his stuff too, I think.
Thank you!
So I can see the problem you have. But it also seems that you will not be able to hide ur illness for long. That talk with Dad has to be done soon because he needs to be placed in an Al before you worsen. I would think the stress on your part is not helping.
First, I would get Dad evaluated for what he can and can't do for himself. Office of Aging can help there. I would also want some counseling on how to tell Dad what is going on with you. Maybe you should not be the one to do it. Maybe your doctor or a nurse practitioner can help. You take Dad to one of your appts and let the doctor explain what is going on. Then the doctor tells Dad that he needs to get his ducks in a row. Seems with his health problems, he needs to find an AL now that he can move into. One, because it will take the pressure off you so u can work on ur health. Second, if u should pass, he is already situated.
Yes, please, get ur ducks in a row too. My sister died without a Will or a beneficiary on her life insurance leaving a 7 yr old. My brother had to go to court to declare our nephew her closest of kin so he could received her insurance. She had a home that the bank foreclosed on because she had no insurance on it. Get that Will rewritten. Yes, assign a POA for you. You need an Executor. Need someone to make sure Dad is settled in and all his ducks are in a row if u pass.
Your Dad will need to understand he cannot put his head in the sand. That if he and you do not plan for the inevitable that if its found he needs 24/7 care after your passing, that without the safeguards worked out now, the State could take over his life.
Your Dad will probably need some professional help to deal with ur illness because of his high anxiety. He needs to learn tools to help him deal with maybe losing you. Its his turn to help you get thru this, not be a burden. I so hope he realizes this. Its now not all about him.
My mom has dementia and my dad has diabetes. They live together at an ALF, and I typically visit at least once a week, unless I’m also taking them to doctors appointments. I have a full-time job as a teacher, so my visits are usually on the weekends.
I told my dad and mom about the cancer surgery and I asked my younger sisters to “pick up the slack” during my recovery. I didn’t expect much empathy from my dad (a good thing, because I didn’t get any) and my sisters did very little to contribute their time or energy. I don’t regret telling my dad the truth, because I needed to do it for myself-so I could process what was happening to me. It helped me take a breath and step back, to look at how much I was already doing for my parents and re-establish some boundaries for the good of my health. Ten years ago if someone told me that I would have to fight cancer without the love and support of my mom, I would never have believed them. She isn’t aware of my battle with cancer, just like she can’t acknowledge the birth of my daughter’s first baby, my mom’s first great grandchild.
My parents can’t see past their own immediate needs. Nothing else matters to them. Nothing else will ever matter to them again. It’s no one’s fault and I am sick of wasting precious energy on guilt or resentment. It is what it is.
My advice: don’t be afraid to be selfish as you deal with your health crisis. You must prioritize your needs at this time. Anyone who really loves and supports you would understand this and encourage you to do it.
If this turns out to be a non-lethal situation, I want you to think long and hard about what you are giving up to cater to your dad's unreasonable expectations of you.