Any ideas on siblings persuading elderly to think differently about them?

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SavingMom2014 Asked August 2023

Any ideas on siblings persuading elderly to think differently about them?

I gave up all POA duties. Took my name off moms bank account hoping that would end all the chaos.

went to her birthday with my 6 kids and within 10 minutes of being there my adult siblings started yelling about finance and medical care. With mom sitting there before the birthday cake was even cut. They were all sitting around the table and soon stood up even yelling at my kids saying they don’t know the truth. My poor mom was shaken.

we were in shock. We were all there the day before and everything was fine- my husband immediately said let’s go. He walked out with 2 of my kids. I went to say goodbye to my mom and said you don’t deserve this on your birthday and I was taking my family back to the hotel. My other 4 were standing next to me waiting to say goodbye. The adults in tbe room were yelling at them. 2 of them came out crying and saying they are making grandma upset. The other 2 were scared.

this is how my mom is living at the end of her life. My long drive home knowing can’t see my mom again was the worst.

I don’t know if there’s any way for her to get a ride even to a restaurant at some point so we can see her. We can’t go to the house bc my brother and his girlfriend and daughter moved in. They are taking over .

please suggest something. My kids start school soon and are distraught over this. Was supposed to be a family reunion for her 90 birthday. She will probably remember this bc of the yelling even tho she has dementia.

Elder Law Power of Attorney (POA) Relationships Siblings

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score 0 · Answer 1

This is my husband's siblings. There are seven of them, and my husband and one sister refuse to get into the drama, but the others --hoo-boy! They get in fights, including a knockdown, drag-out fight one Christmas, so we simply stopped going to the holidays. I refused to participate in the all-family vacations they insisted on having every three years, except to just attend. I did my own thing.

Our kids were young during these battles, and now none of them want anything to do with that side of the family, because thore battles scared them to death. It's a shame to some extent, because I know my MIL would like to be closer to them, but she and my now-deceased FIL raised these people who don't know how to act like adults, and they always protected the worst ones in the lot from any consequences. This is what MIL now reaps.

Protect your kids first and foremost from this garbage. Youwll have to find ways to see Mom on your own, but not at the expense of your children.

Helpful Answer (0)

you’re so right . My parents made these siblings into who they are. Somehow I came out different- may be being the oldest ? Who knows. But the rest are so disrespectful

(1)

score 3 · Answer 2

What an awful predicament to experience on your mother’s birthday.

Her birthday should have been celebrated with her family. Instead they chose to disgrace you and your children in front of your mom. How sad.

I am so sorry that this happened. I can’t imagine why your siblings would behave so poorly.

I would wonder how they are treating your mom when you aren’t around.

Helpful Answer (3)

My kids said that same thing! I don’t know how she is treated when I’m not around

(2)

score 2 · Answer 3

I think we cannot know the history that came down to cause an entire family of siblings to hate you so much that they would yell at you AND YOUR CHILDREN in front of their mother. I mean, if they are honestly this insane I cannot imagine dealing with them in any way. If your Mom is now in their control then there is little you can do for her either but request to see her, take it with grace if you are told no, send little cards, drawings, trinkets of love and hope they are given to her.

You cannot change other people. You do not say that you did any wrong doing, so what could you conceivably say about this shocking occurence. I am so very sorry. For you. And for your Mom. On the face of it this sounds like a family to be avoided. Any distruption at this point can only hurt your Mom I would think, unless you have reason to feel someone is in control of her or abusing her. That may mean a consult with APS and asking for a wellness check. They WILL speak with Mom alone with such a report as yours.

I am so sorry.

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score 1 · Answer 4

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-siblings-and-14-of-their-kids-want-to-visit-my-90-year-old-dad-all-at-once-he-cant-tolerate-that-469092.htm

Seems you have been going thru this for acwhile. I really don't know what to say other than your family is so dysfunctional. Your poor kids. I hope you used this experience to teach them that this is not how family is. Bringing up Moms care during her birthday party was just so out there. Do you think it was for your benefit? I am glad u chose to walk out. Now maybe call APS and see if there is anything that can be done so you can see Mom. Like they do with children. Family is ordered to take Mom to the police station, you pick her up for a day out, then bring her back to the station.

Helpful Answer (1)

Thank you Joann, one thing my mom always said was no matter what happens, always leave like a lady! I could hear thin my head that night as we all left. My youngest son said “mom you were the strong one to walk away”, even though you wanted to say something bc you kept the peace for grandma.

(0)

score 2 · Answer 5

The behavior of your siblings is absolutely disgusting. They should be ashamed of themselves for acting like that at your mother's birthday.

You have a right to see your mother. Your brother and his girlfriend are not the final say on that because they happen to be sponging off of your mom in her house.

You can get a court order to have visitation of your mother. I know someone who did this.
They started with the state's social services department and they put them in touch with the right agency to make it happen.
Call whatever is your state's social services and start there. Or have a free consultation with a lawyer. They may be able to get that done for you even faster and better.

You have a right to see your mother. In the meantime if you have any extended family it would be a good idea to start talking to them about what's going on with your mom. Good luck.

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Thank you so much!! Elder care is on my list!

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score 1 · Answer 6

How is your Mom being treated when you are not there? Is she being subjected to their verbal abuse? How often? I feel scared for her. Siblings seem to lack much empathy and awareness from what you have described.

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My kids actually mentioned that too. Now I’m worried about that. It could be worse when no one is around

(0)

score 3 · Answer 7

Thank you everyone. If mom wasn’t there my husband would have set them straight but we didn’t want mom any more upset so we thought the best way to diffuse the situation was leaving

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score 2 · Answer 8

People show their true colors when Money is involved - Best to Let Go .

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score 2 · Answer 9

WOW! Amazing that they did that to you and your family! Proud that you got up and left. Me, I have a problem with yelling back. I don't know if you can talk to your brother one on one without the girlfriend. Sometimes the partner is the one that pushes the arguments. If you had a somewhat good relationship with him before the girlfriend it may help to leave her out. This is just an outsider looking in and I know my brothers wife was like an initiator in some of the arguments we had. Blessings to you and yours.

Helpful Answer (2)

Mom just mentioned the episode at the house and said I can’t believe there was a fight here, and laughs. I said there wasn’t a fight mom. It was one sided and we left hoping things would calm down . Then she says well you need to talk to them and get along. Hoping the laughter was dementia related. She even said who was sitting next to her and she told him to stop yelling- but it was my sister and sister-in-law on each side

(0)

score 4 · Answer 10

My personal feeling is that the test thing to do is to do whatever lessens stress on your mom. So that means no visits when other people are around. No family reunion etc.

Just my opinion, and I’m so sorry your family is dysfunctional.

Helpful Answer (4)

You’re so right! Mom was excited to have everyone together. It was the first time since dad passed.

today mom left me a message saying she misses me and we didn’t have enough time together.

does she not remember something so bad

(1)

Any ideas on siblings persuading elderly to think differently about them?

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