How should I handle the death of my father with my mother who has dementia?

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MamaChar Asked August 2023

How should I handle the death of my father with my mother who has dementia?

My father is currently in hospice and living in an AL with my mother who has vascular dementia. I'm wondering how to handle my father's death when the time comes. Should we tell her that he's passed, or just keep her at peace by saying he's gone fishing or something and will be back in a few days? She can't remember anything short-term, so even if we tell her he died, she won't remember a few minutes later. They've been married for 72 years and are currently sharing the same apartment in the AL. I don't want to keep telling her, traumatizing her? Every time she notices his absence and asks about him, which she definitely will. I also don't want to appear dishonest if this is something she needs to know deep down. Any suggestions or experience with this situation will be welcomed. Blessings.

Alzheimer's & Dementia End of Life Grief

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score 0 · Answer 1

At my dad’s cemetery, we saw a little bench that said “gone fishing” which is what I would tell her, or golfing. He will be back in a few days and left this treat (enter chocolate or whatever) for u.

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After 72 years of marriage, I think she will be relieved to think he is away doing something he loves so much. I expect we will answer any questions she has with honesty and the compassion that she deserves. But she also deserves peace of mind so "fishing and chocolate" sounds like an excellent plan :) Blessings.

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score 1 · Answer 2

We had your situation when my FIL died one year before my MIL(vascular dementia). They were both in the same nursing home, she was aware that he had died when it happened. Initially, she took to her bed for a couple of days. They increased her Xanax and we checked in on her frequently without disturbing her. One morning when I arrived she was in the dining room having breakfast at her usual table so I joined them. She wanted to know why we hadn't taken her to his funeral service. I told her that she hadn't wanted to go. She accepted that as she often declined doing things. Reality was that he was cremated and we planned to take their ashes back to their home state and have a double memorial service after she passed. She asked me if "everyone" had attended his funeral and I said "everyone was there". She was pleased.

About a week later she had her hair colored the same red she had worn most of her life. I told my husband, "I think your mom is done mourning".

When I was present and she was asked if her husband was still alive, she would look to me and I would shake my head "no". She would relay the information, she always seemed okay.

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Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I truly believe my mother's dementia will protect her from the heartache ahead. They've been married for 72 years so only God knows how she will handle his absence. Blessings to you and yours.

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score 0 · Answer 3

My take is that your plan is 100% spot on.

Maybe the actual statement to her can be “He was so sick there wasn’t anything that could make him well”.

If she herself questions that statement you could go to “He died very peacefully Mom”.

I don’t think you need to worry about “deep down”, because truthfully, that’s what goes away with dementia.

I like to respond “I don’t know exactly where he/she is”, because in my way of thinking that’s accurate but not unduly disturbing.

She is fortunate to have you.

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Thank you for your encouragement. I like the statements you suggested and will probably use them going forward. It's been a journey...no need to end it with more difficulty than necessary. Blessings.

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score 0 · Answer 4

My sentiments exactly. Even if she doesn't remember or get upset with each retelling, it would be extremely hard for ME and others having to keep telling her that he's passed. He loved fishing and would routinely go on extended trips during the year. This story would be a familiar to her...plus, who knows...that may be exactly where he goes when he passes!
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story.

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score 0 · Answer 5

I would tell her one time.
She may be there when he dies, or are you planning on asking him to be moved to the In Patient Unit so that mom will not be there?

Then I suppose the next question is...are you planning on having mom attend the funeral or any of the activities that you plan? If a lot of friends and family (presuming there are some that show up)? She will be confused about that. And a lot of people, noise may upset her.

Have you thought about mom being on Hospice as well? She will decline once dad is gone and may do so rapidly. Vascular dementia caused by many mini strokes, or larger ones can see rapid declines and the stress of losing her husband may start a downward spiral.

Will mom move to a MC section of the facility or will she remain in AL?

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Our hope is to keep her in place at the AL after my father is gone. She is aware that he is very sick, the reason we moved them from their home, and in her mind, she is there to take care of him or have someone with him so he is not at the AL alone. They are both in their 90s so there will be few other than family at the memorial. He is being cremated, so it may be a month or more before the ceremony takes place.
You brought up several things I had not thought of, but I don't think we would put her through attending a memorial that would involve moving her and exposing her to unfamiliar surroundings again. She is finally starting to adjust to her new apartment and the staff. The AL says she is fine to stay in place there unless her dementia causes her to wander off premises or she becomes violent...both of which are extremely doubtful as she can barely walk now and has never uttered so much as a curse word in her life...even now with her dementia.
We are working on getting her into Hospice, although to our surprise, she does not have Medicare Part A so I am working with Medicare to get her enrolled so we can afford their services.
Like everything else on this journey, we will continue to take things one day at a time. I so appreciate everyone's comments. It helps to have thoughts and plans in place no matter which we end up going with.
Thank you all again. This is an amazing community!

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score 0 · Answer 6

Since he is having Hospice in the apt they share, maybe it will sink in that something is wrong. We really never know what goes on in a Dementia mind. When he dies, maybe allowing her to see that he is gone will sink in. My Dad died 11 yrs before Mom. Once her Dementia was full blown, she never mentioned him, nor my deceased sister nor my brother who lives 7 hrs away and rarely came home.

If after he dies, she asks then fibbing is OK. If a funeral is planned do not expect her to sit thru visitation, the service, graveside and then a luncheon. I may have someone bring her to the service but make the service short then the luncheon. A whole day will not exhaust her.

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She is definitely aware that he is very sick...the reason they left their home. I just wonder how much of a shock, if any, his death will have on her. She can have a traumatic fall and spend days in the hospital but not remember ANY of the experience upon leaving. Such a strange disease.
Definitely don't plan on taking her out for any services since she's finally starting to adjust to her AL surroundings. We will most likely have a celebration of life with her...to share memories and stories with her...something like that...see how she reacts and figure out our 'story' from there. Thank you for your feedback!

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score 0 · Answer 7

If it keeps the peace - then dad has gone fishing!
Having to retell again and again that dad has passed will not only upset her but you will also have to relive that memory.
Its not being dishonest - it just a peace keeping tool.
I did it and would do it again. EX: my daddy wanted me to give him all his money out of the bank because people were going to steal it - I told him I could not but I would hide it. So I took a picture of a box under the house and told him that no one knows that it is there and when you get back you can have it. That satisfied him and no one was hurt.
Blessings to you.

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How should I handle the death of my father with my mother who has dementia?

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