Warning this is a long one… continued in comments.
I just joined this group and I’m so grateful to have found this place. I feel less crazy already. I’m struggling to find answers to a lifelong situation with my mom that seems to get worse for both of us with each passing year.
My mom has had mobility issues (due to a muscle issue in her legs) off and on since I was 15. I’m now 51. She became angry and depressed and at 15, I took over cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for my sister and helped my dad run our family business. Her depression caused major marital issues because she was so angry and blamed my dad for everything she could think of. There were many years were everyone walked on eggshells and life was miserable until I finally couldn’t take the stress and pressure anymore and moved out with tremendous guilt for leaving my dad to deal with things. My mom and I had a very strained relationship for years. I got married in my early thirties and my mom hated my husband. I lost my husband in a car accident 2 years after we married. That seemed to be a catalyst for change in my dad. He ended up leaving my mom for another woman and I was left to pick up the pieces. She became suicidal and full of rage. I did what I could to help her regain her footing while I was grieving and trying to put my life back together as well. I eventually met my current husband and we bought property 2 hours from my mom. There were many crisis’ through the years where I would speed up to meet her at the ER or drive her many hours away to take her to a specialist. I would drive up every 2 weeks to mow her 3 acres and do whatever odd jobs needed to be done. Eventually money got tight for her and multiple times I would pay her utilities. She then couldn’t even afford her mortgage payment. Her mobility worsened and I knew I needed to get her closer to me. We ended up putting her house up for sale and started construction on a cottage on our property. My husband was not thrilled about the idea but on her limited income and ours, I had no choice. Not going to lie, building her a house with a budget of a little over $40,000 was the most stressful year of my life. I ended up having to have nearly a years’ worth of my own income to it just to get it finished. We got through it and it was relief to be closer to her each time a new crisis occurred. And there were many. There were times things were peaceful and calm and she was happy. But each time there was a new crisis and I needed to go care for her, within 2 days, the critical comments would start. “Why are you always so stressed?” “Why don’t you ever smile when you are here?” “Why can’t you be happy? I want to be around happy people!” Then she would start fighting my help. She would make everything as difficult as possible to frustrate me and push my buttons until I finally got irritated and left. She had extreme guilt over all I had done for her through the years and as the strain on me started to show, she would push my buttons until I lashed out and she could say “See! You don’t even want to be here. Get out!” We wouldn’t speak for a few days and then I was always the one to put my tail between my legs and go back for more torture because, you know… she’s my mom.
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Let her fail.
Call 911 and let the medical and mental health professionals deal with her.
Tell Social Services and discharge planning that you will no longer be helping her. She needs to be placed
There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING that you can do to make her happy. She carries her own unhappiness within.
You can control ONE THING --your own behavior. Stop doing for her.
Next time she falls or has to go to the ER tell them that they can not discharge her back to her home. She is unable to care for herself and you are unable to care for her. Use this term : To discharge her to home would be an UNSAFE DISCHARGE.
They would find Long Term Care for her that accepts Medicaid. It is their responsibility to discharge her to a safe place.
Discharging her to her home with no care, no help is unsafe
You can not care for her in your home as it is unsafe for you to care for her. (when I say "safe" it is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety. You do not have to go into any explanation other than to say that it is unsafe for you to care for her. Do not let them bully you, threaten you.)
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It is up to the family on the periphery whether they allow such a person to such THEIR OWN LIVES right on out of them as well. Were I your husband I would never have allowed you to build on the property belonging to both of you, a home that is bound to destroy my marriage. He's a good guy to have done it.
Your mother is quite young and has likely decades to live. They will be UNHAPPY decades. The question is whether you wish to sacrifice your own LIFE on the altar of her unhappiness to utterly no reason than to forfeit your rights to a decent life.
It is a bit late now to ask us for suggestions when you have already built a home on your property with your funds for your ever-always-and-still-unhappy Mom.
There was never, in your explanation of your life to us, a question mark. I think you don't have any questions. You have made your choice. I hope that, this being the case, you manage to carve out SOME time, SOME hobbies, SOME work, SOME trips that you and your hubby can enjoy together, SOME TIME that doesn't involve your mother.
I honestly don't know what else to say to you. You have told us this is your choice. You have indicated you and your husband are not and have not been happy with this choice. And you have told us that Mom has never been happy. I am so sorry for the unhappiness of all. Honestly terribly sorry, because for me, your Mom should be the one to follow this path she carved in the wilderness without all of you following behind her. Dad finally got away, thank goodness. But he seems the only one to have made a mistake.
Again, Missmypeace, I am uncertain what I could possibly say to you that can make a difference for your life other than I am so very sorry you are all where you are at this time. I truly wish it were otherwise, and I truly wish you good luck.
And yes, she's your Mom. Sadly she is very limited and has been unable to hold up her end in any relationship ever. She owed you more than you got. You owed her nothing but to survive having lived with her so you could move on with your own life. Just my own humble opinion.
Thank you. You told me exactly what I needed to hear.
If you don't, you are going to risk loosing another husband. Then what?
The best indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. She needed a shrink back when you were 15. Stop hoping for miracles and get her off your property and out of your life. Let her torture someone else.
Try to remember the last time she was ever remotely nice to you. I bet $50 you can't. Now remember your marriage vows, and the grief of loosing your first husband. Don't loose another man who really and truly loves you, for someone who basically doesn't. If you spent half the energy toward him, imagine how awesome your life would be.
You've got to snap yourself out of the mindset you are drowning yourself in...STOP trying to reason with someone who has DONE NOTHING FOR YOU but abuse and torture you. She hasn't been a normal mother since you were a teenager. It will never happen in your lifetime.
Life is too short, you are burning daylight. Break the cycle and take your life back!
I'm glad you found this forum too and the people here know that I speak plainly, directly, and from the heart.
It's time for you to tell your ingrate, instigating, miserable, selfish, narcissistic mother to go pound sand.
Don't do a single thing for her until she starts treating you with at least the most basic respect that she'd no doubt show a stranger.
You did not cause her health problems, or the breakup of her marriage, or any of her other problems. You need to stop letting yourself be blamed for them.
Your mother needs some tough love. So give her some. Humble her a little but by forcing her to politely ASK you for help. Then be grateful for it.
If she refuses, then let her rot and don't do a damn thing for her.
It's for her own good.
This is what I had to do and it helped my relationship with my mother.
When you stop tolerating abuse an abuser stops abusing. If your mother wants a relationship with you and wants you to help with her needs, she better learn some humility and respect. Otherwise she will have to figure it out for herself.
I didn’t think anyone would even read my long post but it felt good to get it all out. I’m so appreciative of all of the responses already. They are hard to hear. But obviously I need to change my response to the situation before the situation will ever change.
There are many many people in the world (including me) who have a parent who has walked out on them, treated them badly, bludged off them. Usually it’s a father (that’s me), but sometimes it’s their mother. Many of them (including me) walk away from that parent, either completely or else as little as works for them. You can do the same without guilt or shame.
There are also many sons in the world who more or less walk away from their parents, even when the parents have done nothing wrong – and it is pretty much accepted as “Your son is your son til he gets him a wife”. There is far more pressure on girls – “But your daughter’s your daughter for all of her life”. This is sexist rubbish, as you ought to be able to see.
Stop the ‘obligation’, stop the ‘guilt’, and run as fast as you can. Put your energy into making that happen.
Yours, Margaret
There was a member who had a Narcissistic parent that eventually got paid for caring for her parent. Said it made things easier because thinking of it as a paid job, she could put up with the parent better.
I so wish you had known that you could have said it was unsafe for Mom to return home and you could no longer care for her when she was in the hospital. Now you know.
Your mother needs you more than you need her. She needs to realize this. If your Dads there, he can help. (I have never heard of having PTSD because ur grieving. Its usually set off because of a trama. But then I am not a therapist.) Do as little as possible for her. When your there, "grey rock" (look it up) her. This means you sort of act like she is not there. Do what you need to do and then leave. When she says something about you ignoring her tell her, "You have no appreciation for what I do for you. I never get a please or a thank you because you seem to think as a daughter I owe u. I don't owe you. If anything Mom, you owe me. There are a lot of children that would have walked away and for good reason. You have no respect or love for me. Because a mother who loves their child would not expect what you seem to expect out of me. If we cannot come to some mutual understanding here, you are going to have to find somewhere else to live. I cannot deal with this any longer."
Do not feel guilty because you go out with your husband or don't invite her over for dinner. She is not easy to be around. Your and your father may have stayed if she was a nicer person. Really, if she had tried, could she have done more for herself?
Guilt is self imposed. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done enough. The person you owe is your husband. He deserves as much attention as you can give him. He deserves a un-stressed wife. You deserve an un-stressed life. It comes down to "this is the way it going to be and if you don't like it ur free to leave"
Yes, the PTSD diagnosis seemed odd to me connected with a death. But I think it had to do with how his wife died and how long he tried to revive her before the paramedics got there. He had constant flashbacks of the event and had a very difficult time coping without her.
Working on letting go of the guilt. It’s my biggest challenge for sure.
Thank you for your suggestions!
Expect F.O.G from your mom. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt--look it up).
My grandma would say to my mom "My, how you've changed".
My mom would look thoughtful and say "yes, yes I have".
Stand strong! The solution is one that needs to work for YOU.
You are bright and articulate. You already KNEW much of what we have said, which is basically that your Mom isn't going to change; her limitations are her own, and you can't fix her. But you CAN save yourself and still maintain some sympathy for her without sacrificing your life and the lives of all those you love on the pyre of her life.
You say you are changed. But we are kind of like that moment you walk out of a particularly good Sunday sermon. It's great; it doesn't last.
Think on all we have said. Discuss it with hubby. Tell him to discuss with you honestly how you got her and what can be done. TAKE YOUR TIME. It took a long time to get here, and it will take time to reclaim a portion of your life you keep for YOU and for HUSBAND, a portion you can love, laugh, and take joy in.
You are a pleasure to have here. I hope you keep us updated on your journey.
What are you going to do to change things? Give us your plan, and we will encourage you every step of the way. Hint: make a timeline, also, or else the plan will always be in the future sometime.