Burnout and frustration.

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Laura0791 Asked August 2023

Burnout and frustration.

Hi all,

New here. Have been caring for my 80 year old mother for a long time. She is bipolar so there's always been a level of care associated with her mental health challenges that she cannot help. It's hard on her, it's hard on me and my brother.

As she's aging, I'm noticing declines in her decision making, her ability to manage spending money (I manage her monthly budget and give her spending money because she has spending problems), her overall understanding of the world because she hardly leaves her apartment now.

She looks to me for everything - I feel like I'm parenting a third grader and I'm realizing recently, I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm tired.

I probably need to work with a therapist or someone to help me navigate these feelings. Has anyone had luck with that? Her ederly behaviors seem to trigger a lifetime of frustrations related to her bipolar that we've been dealing with for a long time.

Ugh. Why is this so hard? I'll take forty teenagers any day over the elder care, which seems to trigger, frustrate, and anger me more and more lately.

Advice? Experience?
Thanks,
Laura

Anxiety Burnout Family Caregiver Mental Health

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score 1 · Answer 1

I have a 32 yo stepdaughter who's bipolar and refuses to take her medication. She is so hateful and instigating, that I've now cut her out of my life 100% for my OWN peace of mind. I can write a book on the nasty, disrespectful and unhinged things she's done to both me and her father over the past 18 years we've been together. Her father can't seem to disassociate himself from her, but I certainly can! My point is, it's impossible to deal with a bipolar person unless you are a person who loves torture. 24/7/365 because that's how bipolar people dole it out.

Get out of this horrible situation by any means possible and move on with your OWN LIFE NOW. Consult with an elder care attorney for guidance about placing mom in a facilty.

Best of luck.

Helpful Answer (1)

Imagine what she's going to do to that poor baby she just had. Very sad to think about it.

(0)

score 1 · Answer 2

I can really relate to you. Both of my parents have passed and i'm trying to figure out how to deal with how i was treated and how chaotic it was to have two adult kids. Anyway, enough about myself what helped me most to feel better was to exercise, travel, restorative yoga, hiking, do things i loved even if i didn't feel like it. Sometimes just eating a good meal and binge watching a show. These are temporary fixes. The more meaningful fix is for you and your brother to either find someone trustworthy to care for her (and you take turns checking on her) or to move her into a facility. Get some distance to care for yourself. You need to live too. You don't need to be like me after she passes thinking where did the time go and why did i give up so much of my life for people who weren't grateful and didn't care enough about my well being? Definitely find a good therapist... keep looking until you find a good match. Sending you peaceful, healing vibes.

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score 4 · Answer 3

I would guess every person who cares for an elderly LO ends up needing therapy. There really is no way to express to anyone outside our circle just how hard this is. Some days it feels like your whole life has been stolen from you. Every moment of the day is spent on the needs of another person who will never gain ability, only lose it. No matter how hard you work at it, they'll never, ever get better, younger, nicer, etc.

I feel for you, I really do. I've been there and am there now. I would definitely advise therapy. You have to vent this in real time with a live person who can help you cope and help if you are feeling depressed.

But know this, everything you are feeling is normal and nobody, and I mean NOBODY can push our buttons like the person who installed them.

Peace to you and I hope you do find a therapist, they can be great help. You're dealing with a lot!

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score 2 · Answer 4

No doubt, caring for a parent is hard. Yes, I sought out a therapist when I was caring for my mom. It does help. Please speak with someone about your situation.

Best wishes to you.

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Ok, I will look. This forum is quickly helping me to see what a common struggle this is.
Thank you for responding. It means a lot.
Laura

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score 1 · Answer 5

What you describe could be dementia. If that’s the case, memory care in a facility should be your ultimate goal. She has too many problems for you to handle. If you try, your mental state will take a hit. So don’t try.

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Indeed and with the bipolar it's truly difficult to tease out what is again and what is an underlying significant mental health issue.

I think I need to develop more of a relationship with her psychiatrist too. So, she can guide me as to what's what. Her doctor was the one who told me today we need to off load the responsibilities to someone else.

She's right.

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score 2 · Answer 6

I suggest the book, a memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. She attempted, for many decades, along with the help of the state and city of New York, to care for her mentally ill mother, all to no avail and to no good outcome over time. I think, if nothing else, you will find that you are not alone.

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Yes, the not alone is actually a huge support. Thank you for the suggestion.
:)

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score 1 · Answer 7

Medicare does not pay for Long-term care facilities. Its her health insurance. You need Medicaid if Mom has no assets. Most States only allow 2k in assets. And there is a cap for monthly income. If Mom has assets, you can spend them down on her care in Medicaid facility and apply for Medicaid when they are gone. Talk to a Medicaid caseworker to get info needed. Each State is different.

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Hi Jo Ann,

This is helpful information. She received alimony from my father and when it comes time for a care facility, that will need to go away I think.

She doesn't have assets but she makes too much "read 30K" a year and doesn't qualify. Without the alimony it would be under 24K.

Thanks for the advice. I'll start researching that so we have a plan.

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score 3 · Answer 8

I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar position. My PCP told me I need a therapist and probably some anxiety medication. I refuse to take meds for something that is situational, not a chemical imbalance, actual psych issue, etc.
Just today a number of people here have told me to get out of the caregiving I’m doing.

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My mother's psychiatrist told me the same thing today. How to get out of the caregiving though?

Just finding people to fill these roles and managing them seems like a full time job.

I can't believe I've gone from feeling love and compassion for my mother to constant resentment and anger. Who is this person I'm looking at in the mirror? How did I become these feelings?

I'm thinking a therapist can at least hear me vent - I don't want to vent to my adult sons - this is their grandmother whom they love deeply.

Sigh.

This just sucks.

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score 0 · Answer 9

Hi,

Thank you for your response. It's hard to wrap one's brain around but I think I do indeed, need to come to terms with the fact it can't be us providing the care. It's too much.

She on medicare though with no resources for facility care unless it's a medicare approved facility. Starting that research seems like a lot. Sigh...

Helpful Answer (0)

Talk to family, coworkers, and friends for references. One thing that I noticed is that just about everybody over the age of 50 is caring for an elderly family member. Find out what facility they are using.

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score 2 · Answer 10

She needs to go into an appropriate facility. There is no way to make it easier on yourself as long as you are providing her care. And it is only going to get worse.

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Burnout and frustration.

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