Advice on managing anger/resentment while caring for a parent who was terrible, mean & cruel?

OP, as you have chosen the label ‘ThankYouJesus’, my guess is that you have had rubbed into you that it is your ‘duty’ to go along with all your mother’s bad behavior, because that’s what the Bible says in the Ten Commandments. We have many posters who have been made miserable by exactly this, well over 2000 years since Moses is supposed to have brought the stone tablets down from the mountain.

There are also texts in the Bible about how parents should treat their children, how husbands should treat their wives and how wives should treat their husbands. You probably know that the texts most frequently quoted are pro-husbands and pro-parents (particularly fathers). People pick and choose Bible texts that that are ‘on their side’, and don’t quote the others. I addition, they very very rarely mention Jesus’ own treatment of his earthly father or his mother. Joseph is ignored, and Jesus showed little concern for his family – in fact he said that his disciples were his ‘family’, not his blood relations.

Treat your mother according to your own sense of appropriate behavior, NOT from any ‘over the top’ sense of obligation.

I have one of these mothers too. We walked on egg shells as kids because we never knew what set her off. Very hard growing up with her as a mother. She made a mess of me psychologically. It took me years to become the person that I am today. My sister bore the brunt of her abuse, I admire my sister for stepping up to the plate but I think I feel an obligation to support her. That’s why I do what I do.

While I am staying with my mother I really cannot stand to chitchat with her. When I am staying with her during my “on” months I see her for maybe a half hour a day because I don’t want to spend any more time with her than I have to.

I don’t think I am going to miss her when she’s gone sad to say,

You are continuing to give her all the power because you and your sister are too weak to walk away, you have been conditioned to be this way.

I walked away from my mother 13 years ago, the best 13 years of my adult life.

The ball is in your court to stand up to her and stop all this abuse. The only person you can control is you.

This sort of hopeless post appears all too often on this site. Advice-givers, do any of you really think, for one moment, that mousy, easily-manipulated people like this OP read your very sane advice (the essence of which is, rightly, “You do NOT have to spend one more second with the old b***h who birthed you and mistreated you! Dump her sorry old (carc)ass in the care of the State, and RUN!”)…and follow through? Of course they don’t! And you know what? All they really want is some hand-wringing sympathy, not a real solution. And what they deserve, really, is contempt. It is NEVER too late to grow a backbone. Had I had a parent like that, my greatest delight would be to see them rot in a substandard nursing home, far from me!

You’re not obligated to care for your mom. She needs help. You can certainly acknowledge that she is in need of care. You don’t have to be the person who is providing that care.

Do you feel responsible because she raised you? That was her job as a parent. She wasn’t loving or kind. How can she expect you to think of her warmly now?

Call Council on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. Tell them that you are not interested in providing the care for your mother. Ask them to help you select care options for her.

Visit if you choose to or don’t visit if you don’t want to.

Best wishes to you

They say that blood is thicker than water, and apparently it is an old adage you agree with. I myself would not be caring for a cruel person, even if that was the person who gave birth to me. I would allow the state to take on the care, just as though there were no children, because quite honestly I would not be her child once I was grown and able to escape her.

Thank you. I appreciate your input very much.

Its not disrespectful to tell Mom you will no longer tolerate her nastiness. You put up with it as a child because u had to. But as an adult you no longer are going to tolerate it. If she wants respect, she has to show it. Then set your boundaries. Don't do anything for her she can do for herself. Do not be at her beck and call. Are you doing things that she can afford to have done. Like having someone to come into clean? Once a month should be enough. She can maintain it. Does she live in a community where you can pay for additional services, like help with bathing.

I did not know I was placing boundries with my Mom. When she had to stop driving, I then took her where she needed to go. Once a week was grocery shopping and errands and lunch out. I was working p/t so appts were made at my convenience. Since we live in the same town, I was able to go to the pharmacy for her and run an errand for her but again it was when I could unless something urgent. I didn't get paid if I did not work. Remember, Mom needs u more than you need her and she needs to realize that.

NEVER allow this woman to live with you. She is very lucky her children do anything for her. I know what walking on eggshells is like, and I refused to do it for the rest of my life. They get mad, they get glad and if they don't get glad, oh well.

No is a one word sentence

When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get (from the book, Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud. You may want to read it)

My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way


You may want to look up the "Grey Rock Method". You may need to learn to block Out Mom. But first, you must tell her what you expect from her if she continues to abuse you. Tell her if things don't change, u will no longer be there for her. After that, you ignore her when she is abusive.. Just do what you are there for and then leave. If it gets too much. Just walk out the door. You don't have to answer all her calls let go to voicemail. Put ur phone on Do not Disturb. Block her. Your in charge not her. You need to demand that respect. For your sanity, you may need to spend less time with her. Again, you are justified to have the feelings you do.

I know how my DH handles his hateful and tyrannical mother:

He gives in to her demands every single time she asks for anything.

I don't suggest it. It's destroying him.

"Tough talk' years ago would have been good. Boundaries. Not taking her crap all the time. Calling her on the lies and abuse. Staying away when she 'misbehaves'.
Treating her with respect b/c she IS his mother, but not playing along when she throws tantrums.

For him, it's 70 years too late. But for you? You can save yourself.

This forum is a good place to be for advice and calming words. It's saving my sanity.

((Hugs)) you are not alone!

Why are you caring for her?

Is she paying you?

Do you perceive yourself as being obligated to provide care?

You're not.