CMA123 Asked September 2023

How to deal with PTSD of childhood trauma with NARC parent?

My mother has dementia and an angel. My Dad is the NARC, abused our mom and us children. Our parents are 82 years old now, our mom was in the hospital and rehab for 5 months. She was released to our dad who has never cared for her needs and still doesn't. They love in Florida, have since 2012. Our mom and dad are frail and we have gone to court for guardianship over our mom since he mentally still abuses her and neglects her. Our dad is fighting us all the way. He is not allowing us to talk to her and s controlling her. We know we're doing the right thing to protect her and her safety, but are also experiencing so many emotions for going against our dad and fighting him and emotions we just can't understand or pinpoint. Our plan to set parameters on how our dad must care for our mom and if he doesn't then it's due to his neglect that will force our mom out of the home. Overall, we'll bring her back to Indiana and see if we can get them both up here. Our mom is in a lose-lose situation, she requires help with her dementia and colostomy bag but otherwise is in pretty good. She didn't like a nursing home and we don't want her in a nursing home either.

23 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

“We don't want her in a nursing home either.” You need to rethink that.

Her dementia and medical needs will worsen. Will need 24/7 care eventually. She could live another 10-15 years. Is the plan to have her live with you and hire aides? Who will pay for it? Are you willing to endure the abuse again? Because you won’t heal from PTSD while she is a major part
of your life.

Not all nursing homes are hell holes.

Helpful Answer (8)

Yes, she is going to need a nursing home. Think about it this way: anything is probably better than being under the care of your dad.

(5)

What is the plan for getting your mother to Indiana? And you are going to see if you can get them both to Indiana? Where are they going to live? Will they be together or separate?

I have this awful vision of BOTH of them moving in with you. Don't do it...

Helpful Answer (7)

I wholeheartedly agree with you. She shouldn’t even consider having both of her parents move in with her.

Giving the OP fair warning is great advice!

(3)

I would first worry about getting gaurdianship. Then I would take Mom to live near you. If someone wants to care for Mom, do it. Just be aware that a time will come when Mom needs more care than you can give. Her Dementia will worsen where she will have no idea where she is.

Your Dad, leave him in Fla. If u get guardianship you may also want to see an elder lawyer about splitting your parents assets. Once u get guardianship, get Mom out of that house. Moms SS will need a payee and funds sent to a different acct. If Dad is healthy then he can fend for himself do not bring him to live near you. Your life will be h**l. You need to get away from abusers and Narcs. You cannot allow them in ur life. What you do is make a list of resources available to Dad where he lives. You make sure he has a menu to all the places in his area to eat. I had a widower friend who ate breakfast almost daily at a local diner and dinner later on for years. Dad can do it too. Maybe he will find a girlfriend to do for him. If he is considered independent then leave him. Its not abandonment, its getting Mom out of an abusive situation. He does not deserve your time or energy. He is user, manipulator and an abuser. He deserves to be alone. You can actually just pick up Mom and take her to Indiana and leave Dad behind. What is he going to do? He does not own her. You read about this all the time on the forum where an OP posts family members have taken a parent to another State. Lawyers will not pursue it and either will the police and its very expensive to try.

All you may owe your Dad is a "wellness check" from the police or APS. You can do this anonymously. If APS, they will make sure he has everything he needs. Then he will be put on their radar. If its ever found he needs care and your called, you just say because you were abused as a child, you cannot care for him. That he needs to become a ward of the State of Fla. Then let them take over his care. YOU CAN NEVER CARE FOR HIM!

Helpful Answer (7)

Thank you very much.
At the zoom/court hearing yesterday, the judge asked about the Bond money like they were already looking to split their assets and we felt rather positive that we might be gaining guardianship but was told we wouldn't have the decision until Tuesday.
What is APS for my Dad? At this point in my life, I have great love for my Dad. I clearly don't agree with his bad behavior or bad actions, yet we've had good times in the 58 years of my life.

(2)

What you want and what she needs are two different things, her health is not good, she has dementia and is being bullied by an abuser.

Your mother is not able to make sound decisions and they all don't like AL, MC or NH's, it is part of their verbiage, they all want to stay at home.

NH may be the only viable solution for her well-being and to get her away from the abuser.

Good Luck!

Helpful Answer (6)

You're right. The skilled nursing she had in Florida was pretty good, but it was in Florida and we siblings believe and know that our Dad did and will poison her mind if she's left in Florida. Our lawyer has told us that we have to file (again) for another case to get her across state lines. The court decision is Tuesday 9/5 for decision for guardianship and yes it has cost us quite a bit and my dad too, but it's so worth it. We couldn't do anything as kids, so finally as adults we can. IF we gain guardianship, then I will look at memory care facilities here in Granger,So Bend,IN area and that have medicaid/medicare options. That's my next step next week. It's been my goal my entire life to get her away from my Dad, she would never leave (true abuse victim). So now, she can't make that decision, she's been evaluated as incapacitated and we are doing our best to gain guardianship and yes, we have witnesses and medical personnel that have have witnessed my dad neglect/abuse and a neighbor and cousin who all testified. We did our "homework".

(1)

Find a therapist who does EMDR therapy.

Helpful Answer (5)

What's EMDR?

(0)

"Our plan to set parameters on how our Dad must care for our mom and if he doesn't then it's due to his neglect that will force our mom out of the home."

You already know that this isn't going to work. Dad is an abuser. Dad has always been an abuser. Dad is not going to stop abusing mom. Mom needs to be protected from dad but trying to get guardianship of her over dad will be very expensive. Plus you have to prove the abuse. Do you have proof?

If you do get control of mom and can move her to where you are she would need to be moved into a facility. As for dad I would leave him to rot in Florida and cut off all contact with him. Abusers who are still abusing vulnerable people do not get help.

As for your emotions in going against dad. That is just your own PTSD talking because you were abused and controlled by this POS your entire life. Allow the uncomfortable and unfamiliar feelings of this battle with dad over mom to come and continue trying to get mom away from this pathetic loser.

Helpful Answer (5)

Thank you, we're doing the best we can and honestly with others expressing to get her away, it helps. I have always hoped he'd change (and that's probably the victim in me) and a true narcissist is good at behaving to get his way but yet I love my dad so much. It just sucks, yet I know that I have to do what's right and get her away from him. It's nice to have your/this support forum.

(0)

Southernwaver suggested you look into EMDR therapy for victims of abuse and trauma, and I agree. Here is a link that may help you:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/emdr-therapy-for-victims-of-abuse-what-it-is-and-how-it-work-483312.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

Helpful Answer (4)

I will certainly look into this and thank you for the suggestion and will share it with my brothers.

(4)

This is hard. Since you love both parents even though he did what he did to you. My dad has verbally abused my mom and us since I was a child. He has been very sick, no longer walks and still returns to the same behavior. My mom has been a Saint sticking by him no matter what. She doesn't want him to go in a nursing home either so she continually cares for him. It's alot on her and us. We have all suffered from his anger but I am the only one who decided to get help. I don't know how to help your situation except maybe ask someone in your town or state services what you can do. My best suggestion to help yourself is to start attending Adult Children Of Alcoholics meetings. Get as much support for you and try to take care of yourself first even though it's hard. Secondly, if you get therapy start with that. EMDR therapy helped me with PTSD. Both can be done through zoom and phone if you are unable to get around. Seek help for you. Lots of luck.

Helpful Answer (4)

Thank you, will definitely look into this and suggest it for my brother's too.

(0)

Your father sounds like a very sick man. I hope you can get your mother to Indiana but I’d leave him in Florida. Your mother was abused and deserves to have a some peace.

Helpful Answer (3)