How do I convince my husband that my mother with late stage 5 dementia is not being deliberately rude, mean and manipulative?

Whether mom is being deliberately mean and rude or not is pretty irrelevant. What's relevant is that trying to care for an elder with stage 5 dementia is pretty impossible for you both at home. Acknowledge that fact and go about getting her placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility or hire 24/7 caregivers in her home so YOU can move OUT.

Best of luck.

It is impossible, frankly, to live together when all are not in agreement. I cannot know what you and your husband discussed about all this BEFORE the move, but he may not be capable of 24/7 care. If he isn't then you are looking at placement for your Mom if you have a GOOD relationship worth KEEPING with your hubby. If not, then perhaps he will have to move on.

I am sorry, but you can't change others. We all have our limitations; apparently this is your husband's.

You must choose your husband/marriage as a priority. This doesn't mean you don't love your Mother. You need to make a decision/change that initially will seem really hard and won't feel good, but it will do good for all involved. Please consider transitioning her into a good local facility where you can visit and help her all you want while preserving your relationship with your spouse.

As others have pointed out, it won't get better, especially if she becomes incontinent, says or does vulgar things, shadows, screams for help continuously, etc. Been there, done that. I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you make decisions.

"We moved in with mom 4 months ago. Mom has not responded well, has anosgnosia, and confused and agitated by our presence most of the time."
How's this arrangement working for you?

Stage 5 Dementia patients should be in MC. Why did you both decide to move in? I would guess to save rent money, be unpaid 24/7 caregivers, or both?

You aren't caught in any rock or hard place. Time to decide if your priority is your husband (and marriage vows you made), or your Stage 5 Dementia Mother, who you admit will "deny her offensive behaviors." This idea has already exploded in 4 months, and likely to get much worse. I cannot see convincing your husband of anything other than getting out. Sorry.

"Very little help from siblings who live locally."

Your siblings stepped away. Why didn't you? Did they perhaps think your mother needed to be in a facility, but you said no way and so instead moved in to take care of her?

Why were you the ones to move in with her? There were no other options?

Is anyone benefiting from your current arrangement? Is anyone thinking they are?

You lost me right at your first sentence. “We moved in…” is where you screwed up, bigtime. Not much sympathy for your husband, really, as he had to agree to this cockamamie decision. While I do not blame him one tiny bit for cutting your mother dead (okay, okayyy, not her fault, but still, a huge pain to deal with!) I can’t help wondering why he does not stand firm and say, “This nonsense stops right now!” Either you place her somewhere (on her nickel) or you move out. What kind of life are any of you having?

Despite the bad choice of moving in, I still do feel for your husband. I wouldn't want to be yelled at either and I really wouldn't care that she doesn't know any better. Abuse is still abuse.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

Let me just say that it’s hard to live with our family members regardless of whether they have or don’t have any form of dementia. Dementia certainly adds another layer to your challenging situation.

I realize that you want the best care for your mom. I saw in one of your responses that you and your husband mutually agreed on moving in with your mom as an interim solution until you find placement.

I don’t see any point in making you feel badly about a bad call in judgment by moving in with your mom, so I won’t go there. Do everything that you can to remedy this situation before it becomes worse.

Your marriage and your peace of mind are equally as important as your mom’s care.

I know that you frustrated and disappointed in your husband’s reaction.

Of course, your mother’s behavior isn’t her fault, but are you willing to allow your husband the same amount of grace that you give to your mother?

Don’t expect your husband to stick around when he needs a break. Don’t berate him for not being able to tolerate your mom’s behavior. Tell him that you understand if he wishes to get out of the house.

This is a new environment for your husband. How was he supposed to know in advance that he would not cope well in these circumstances?

Place yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if this was his mom and you found that you didn’t want to be walking on eggshells all the time?

Your mom’s behavior, regardless of whether it’s due to her dementia or not isn’t an easy thing for your husband to shrug off. It won’t be any less frustrating for him even if he understands how dementia works.

Can your mom afford to hire additional caregivers so that you and your husband can return to your home?

Wishing you and your family all the best.

These situations of living with a demented person rarely work out. It won’t get better.

Figure out what to do next. Taking care of mom is going to get harder, and your husband’s understanding will probably not grow. Is this worth losing your husband? Because that’s a possibility.