I'm trying my best to get along with my father. We have always had a tense relationship but he is getting older and try not to get in arguments with him. He says things that are negative and has always been this way. The negativity is most of the time, directed at me which has chiseled away at my self-esteem since I was six years old. The latest thing he said was that he does not know what he would do without certain people in his life who check on him and even stated that one does "a lot" for him which is not true. But he has never once said this to me. I clean, wash, get groceries, pay bills, accompany to doctors’ visits and etc. When I try to talk to him about how what he says bothers me, he gets mad and says I'm being too sensitive. He also told me a few days ago that I should be working to take care of him. He wants me to spend all of my time doing things for him and nothing for myself. I do work, but my job is not something he wants me to do. He expects me to be with him 24/7.
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She's a broken record and can only talk about how awful DH's father was, how much she's suffered in her life (More than any other person, ever!) and the like.
It took my DH MONTHS to realize that trying to reason with her was pointless and causing him so much stress.
Now he doesn't even TALK to her sometimes when it's his 'turn' at caring for her.
She also was a lousy mother--did all the 'right things' but it was all done for show. She despises my DH and his OB. And makes no bones about it. THEY ruined her life and I guess she's trying to pay them back.
At this stage, the EOL sudden epiphanies about relationships? They pretty much never work out.
DH will accept his mother's demise with a 'glad heart' as awful as that sounds--b/c he will finally be free of the person who has beaten him down, spiritually and physically for 71 years. It's time he gets some peace in his life.
As to getting along with negative people of ANY ilk, parents or any other, the best way to get along with them is to see them very seldom, and for very minimal amounts of time. But to most of all understand that they will not change; therefore YOU must.
Basically, our choices are in our own hands.
Often, parents like your father, train their children to be servants lifelong. And no one really "respects" a servant; they are there to do one job, and that job is to "serve". If you notice in any book or movie, they move around the table unseen, unnoticed; anything can be discussed right in front of them, because really, to all intent and purpose, they don't actually even "exist". They are interchangeable and changeable as lightbulbs.
Your Dad is a classic.
You have written us often about him. He gaslights with great skill, even to using praising others as a lure to make you think if you just get it right enough there will be love and acknowledgement. But there won't be. That would ruin the setup.
I am listening to a Podcast now called "Something was Wrong" and I suggest it to you. It is about women lured in by sociopaths, and just how they do it (they don't vary at all). Start with the first Season. An amazing exercise. Listen to it mostly BECAUSE........
Eventually Dad will die, and you will be free of him. BUT................
there are many men in this world who will be MORE than happy to take his place. Think boyfriend. Think hubby.
Only a good therapist can combat the years of training such a parent puts in. By good, I mean one that will disturb you, confuse you, anger you, and shake your world, rather than the one who will standby with the hand out for the couple a hundred, assuring you that you will need therapy all your life.
Right now I would bet that only sympathy of others gets you through. But in reality that sympathy is your only "reward" here, and it keeps you mired in this mud. It does you no service and does you no good imho.
Dad is a choice. He is your choice. I know it is hard to "feel it", but the choice is yours. I sure do wish you the best ongoing. Breaking these habits take TREMENDOUS courage. You will be SO proud of yourself, and such a help to OTHERS if you manage it, and your self esteem will be so great that you will never ever need ANY man to build it up for you.
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One day I said to her: "I'm sensitive because God made me that way, and if you have a problem with it, you need to take it up with Him." Interestingly, she never said it again.
Nevertheless, to this day, at 96 years old, she is quick to find fault. She does not care one whit that I have lost years of my life taking care of her and when I have a sitter to give me a break, she pouts.
She doesn't hesitate to scream at me either. She's the same person she was when I was growing up. Still wrecking the peace and sucking the life out of me.
I wish I had some sage advice, but I don't. For me, it's come down to gutting it out every day. This is no way to live, and I've been ground down to a pulp after 17 years of caring for her - the last 6 in my home.
I guess those aren't nice things to say about my mother, but it's the truth.
Remember, "NO." is a complete sentence.
You didn't MARRY your Dad. His idea
is ridiculous and selfish beyond words.
Did he take care of his elderly parents? I doubt it.
Tell him you have NO INTENTION of retiring, selling your house, or move in with him to take care of HIM. When he starts about "all these people" who do so much for him, tell him, "Great, they can take over your laundry, buy your groceries, cooking, dishes, pay your bills and drive you around then, right?"
STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Start suggesting he HIRE & PAY helpers, so you can have your own life. Don't even think about sacrificing your career, home or life for a selfish, mean old man. I hope he is paying you for gas money, groceries and cleaning supplies!!! You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
I going to talk to him about getting extra help because I'm worn out! I have done this since my mom has been gone ( almost 21 years).
Dad is not going to magically start showing you love, respect and appreciation for what you do or who you are bc he's a lousy father. That won't change. My mother was a lousy mother and I didn't get along with her. Everything I did wasn't enough. So I reconciled myself to the fact it was an IssYOU, not an IssME. I quit jumping thru hoops to get her to be a great mom, and instead, backed off and accepted the fact I got shortchanged in the mommy department. Made my life a lot easier, let me tell you. I love myself and know I'm enough, that's all that counts. I never would have cooked and cleaned and done wash etc for her, so AL was the plan from day 1. That's what worked for both of us.
You bending over backwards for a mean old man who demands it of you and shows you no respect is a direct hit to YOUR self esteem. Stop doing it. Tell him ENOUGH. Or nothing will change and your questions will remain the same.
There is no magic solution to how to get along with an abusive person: you don't. And you stop trying.
Best of luck recognizing things for what they are.
This was your first post in May and u had 45 responses. Since then you have posted a few more Xs and I am sure you got plenty of answers. Does Dad have Dementia, if so you need to ignore him. If not, you need to cut back on what you do for him. This has nothing to do with what HE expects, he can expect all he wants, it has to do with what are you willing to do. You do not owe him your life. You need to lay the law down to him or find a therapist to show you how. Your situation is not going to change until you change it. NO is a one word sentence. When u say NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get. (Excerpt from Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. You might want to read it.)
Cleaning, if Dad can afford it, he can pay someone to clean. Groceries can be ordered and dlvrd or picked up. Bills can be done from your home. Washing clothes can be from your home. Really, with working what kind of time do u really have.
Faith, we as a forum can only do so much. You seem to be stuck because you have done this Caregiving for so long so maybe having a problem with justifying you feelings now. You can come and rant anytime you want. We can give you tons of suggestions but you need to carry them thru. I really think you need to talk to a professional. You have years of being verbally abused that doesn't go away overnight. You need tools to help you deal with Dad. You also need to realize that he needs and probably will need more help that you possibly cannot give. Thats when he will need to go to an AL or LTC. You have done enough.
You are right. I'm stuck because I have done this for so long and I do need therapy. I'm working on finding someone. As for groceries being delivered there is not a place in my area that has those services. I do wash his clothes from my home. I apologize for repeating myself in the forum and I appreciate all of the advice. I agree that verbal abuse does not go away overnight, especially when it is sometimes continued. As far as Dementia, because of his age, he has shown a few signs but, the verbal abuse began when I was a child. He will definitely need more than I can give probably sooner than later.
Him getting mad at you when you try to talk about how his words hurt you and telling you that you are too sensitive is typical gas lighting behavior. It is also abusive behavior.
I hate that you are an adult now but are still allowing your father to abuse and mistreat you. I wish you would stop all contact with him because you are worth far more than being a caretaker for this terrible human being.
Never, ever quit your job to take care of him no matter how sick or feeble he becomes. You need your income to sustain your own independence.
You should also be charging him for your help and assistance too.
This is the only thing you need to take away from this thread.
I'm an only child to a single Mother. She has always been on the negative side and lived vicariously through me. She lives next door to me and she's now 94. I have to tell myself daily that I'm not responsible for her happiness; I'm not her entertainment committee; I'm not her full-time retirement plan. Even when I don't take her along on all my social outings (because she can't keep her negativity to herself anymore) I feel guilty and have to remember that she has it a lot better than most elders her age (she still drives, sees her grand and great-grand kids regularly, I take her to visit her 104-yr old sister in FL, etc). But she still gripes. And I keep my distance and redirect the topics of negative conversation.
I respectfully suggest you see a therapist. You don't seem able to find and keep healthy boundaries with your Father. So, you need help with this and there's no shame in it. His expectations of you should mean 0 to you and not control you. You can help him, but not so much. Of course he won't like when his servant becomes independent so don't discuss it with him, and change the subject if he mentions anything negative or about your lack of whatever. Initially won't feel "good" to back away. But eventually it will be great for you. I wish you all the best as you regain your life.
Then why in the world are you choosing to do so much for him if he's doing so great? Are you perhaps enabling him a bit? Let him do more things on his own now as there may come a time when he actually needs more help with things.
And perhaps help him find a good person that he can hire(with his money of course)that will come in and do the dishes, laundry and housekeeping, so you can take the necessary steps back to keep more healthy boundaries.
And check your local Senior Services or Shepherd Center as they both have great programs daily for seniors. That way he can get out and enjoy time with other folks his age and not be so dependent on you.
But remember too that he's only dependent on you because you're allowing him to be. You're the one who's going to have to change if you want things to be different. And I hope you will.
Your dad is trying to make himself feel better by mentioning the others who do so much to help him. He thinks happiness is having others do for him. Tell your dad that you are tired of housework and need to take a break. He can call one of his friends to help him find a housekeeper. Maybe after a rest you will check in on him but meanwhile you are glad he has friends to call on. Stay away awhile. Live on the wild side. If he says you are too sensitive, shrug your shoulders and say “probably”. Blow him a kiss and walk away. Practice that before you go over. You can give yourself a giggle.
What are you doing to make yourself feel better? Today is Saturday. Are you off work today? Try to do at least one thing to make you feel better. Take a walk if it isn’t too hot. Borrow the neighbors dog and take it for a walk. Buy a new lipstick or a nice fragrance. Even a beautiful flower can brighten your day. I sometimes like to go to bookstores or a coffee shop and Read a new magazine or visit a farmers market or art gallery. Read poetry aloud, listen to classical music. Breath deeply and relax. Just do something to go off the normal path and let dads issues recede for a few hours. They will all still be there.
Maybe pick up a wall calendar and start putting some notes on it to encourage you to do something nice for yourself on the regular. You have to invest in your own happiness and well being. You can’t depend on dad. He’s all about himself. Fill your life with small pleasures and smile.
Big Hugs to you and Happy Labor Day!!😎🌻
You have taught him how to treat you.
Set your boundaries and stick to them, this is for your well-being not his.
Sending support your way! Keep posting it will help!
Idk how sick you dad is, or how much help he needs, or if he is just trying to control you. What I DO know is that things progress, parents get older, sicker and needier and if we don’t set boundaries early we end up being puppets on their strings.
I would suggest backing WAY off and let him see how much these other wonderful people really do. In the meantime decide what you are REALLY willing to do, especially looking long term. Our parents have a way of manipulating us with guilt, and we end up feeling like children. But you are a worthy adult with a right to live your own life.
You are his servant. It is up to you to stop this. Back off and reframe your relationship.
I hope that you do not live with him, if so, make plans to move out.
He will not change, you are the one that must change.