I keep procrastinating and I feel horrible.

Thank you for all of your replies...makes me feel so much better. Mom is happily hallucinating (her honeymoon, taking me to college, petting our cats from when I was young). The nurses said it's her way of escaping so they let her be in the hallucinations. She is in AL because of space and no room on MC but they take her to the MC wing during the day for stimulation and there's more nurses and aids around. She was resting when I saw her today, and not in pain. The director of the facility is very nice...we talked and she said I know it's alot for you if its easier just call and check in and see her a few times a week. I feel better knowing they are taking good care of her and she is comfortable.
Thank you all for letting me vent and being supportive.

Mom should never be in pain, that is what Morphine is for.

I never visited my Mom more than 30 min when on hospice. One day she closed her eyes to never open them again, to not wanting to get out of bed, to just lying there. Thats when Hospice was brought in. I am not the daughter that ever sat with a parent all day. Actually, I don't think Hospitals make it comfortable to do that. When my MIL was in Rehab, my BIL thought we should be there all day for her. We left at 8 am and came home at 5pm. My DH went along with it. She was not dying, just getting Rehab. She was competent. Sorry, not this daughter. Problem, they can call me. I was 10 min away. Now because Mom had Dementia, I did stay longer.

So do not feel bad. You do what you feel comfortable doing.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, as you and your mental health matter too.
Your mom knows that you've been there for her all along and that you love her, so cut yourself some slack and just do what is comfortable for you.
Not everyone is cut out to watch a loved one die, especially when it is long and drawn out.
Since mom is now under hospice care talk to their grief counselor and chaplain as they do offer that for free as part of your moms services.
Wishing you peace and comfort as you take this final journey with your mom.

Your mother is not going to die a painful death under any circumstances because hospice is on board and will medicate her to prevent it. Keep that in mind.

My mother was on hospice in Memory Care Assisted Living too and not imminently dying by anyone's standards. Then one day she felt tired, took to her bed, went into a semi comatose state and passed a week later. Hospice kept her comfortable the entire time.

Be sure to stay in close contact with your hospice nurse so you can request meds as needed for hallucinations etc. I did so bc mom was Sundowning something fierce and horribly agitated every afternoon and evening. The nurse gave her Ativan which helped quite a bit.

All that said, I sympathize tremendously with what you're going through. I dreaded going to see mom in MC too. How many stomach aches I suffered through, tortured times I sat there holding back tears to see her dreadful decline. Slumped over in her wheelchair like she was, it was awful. I'd bring dh with me for moral support. I'd always cry afterward bc the whole scene was so sad. To see a once vibrant and mouthy woman deteriorate into a mere shell of her former self was too much to bear. I used to pray daily for God to take her and put her out of her earthly misery, finally. He did, at 95 years old, and I was relieved.

Wishing you Godspeed with a very difficult situation to deal with.

What happens while you're there? If it's not much, then you wouldn't need to go. I'm thinking that if she's hallucinating, she's not going to know if you're real or not.

I do understand that you feel that you should be there, but at some point you have to decide if it's really necessary. Delve into your motivation. Is it someone else who said you should be there as much as possible, or is it your conscience? Where did you get your belief that it's the right thing to keep visiting? Society's expectations? A Hallmark movie?

Sometimes there's no practical pragmatic reason at all. Showing up faithfully when it's not necessary is like flagellating ourselves to expiate the vague sins of our childhood or some such rot.

My tipping point with my mom was when I kept sitting with her and all she did was look out the window twisting the hem of her blouse in her lap. She hadn't acknowledged me for weeks. My attendance was depressing me, meant no difference to the person she'd become, and I realized that I could be useful by cleaning out her house and attic while I was there. So I did. I felt better, she kept gazing out the window, and I took 70 years worth of junk to the dump, thrift store, etc. over a period of months. It was better to be useful than to sit and fret.

Maybe that would work for you.

How "aware" is your Mom of your visits during the visit, after?

Your grieving is normal and healthy. What kind of person would you be if you could not grieve for someone you love losing herself in such a long and slow slide down. If it is a source of this much dread and continuous pain I would consider seeing a licensed social worker experienced and in private practice for counseling. They are often best at life transitions work.

I am so sorry for this grief and pain.

<((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))