How can I get my sister to help with mother who has dementia and suffered a stroke in 2017, who now lives with me and my spouse?

I respectfully submit my answer. I have early onset Alzheimer’s, Im 56.
When it became clear that I couldn’t handle what was happening with my brain by myself, my son & daughter-in-law encouraged me to move 1000miles to their state where they could help me. It’s been 18 months & increasingly they’ve pulled back from helping me, even to the point of claiming my numerous doctors & neurologists have gotten every scan, assessment, testing session etc wrong, including the 2nd opinions who concurred with the original diagnosis.
All of that is to say, I have finally accepted that I can’t MAKE them want to help me through this time. I do get that it is overwhelming & different people handle it in different ways- some by completely avoiding it, some by doing all they can & some by being somewhere in between.
As a result, I am finding every resource available (including someone to help me find & apply for resources) so that I don’t burden them & so their last years with me hopefully aren’t full of resentment.
My son keeps asking why “this” (my diagnosis) happened to him & stating how unfair it is. While I REALLY want him to be in a different mindset, I can’t do anything about that. AND, I don’t think I can fully understand why it’s sooo difficult for him. Maybe because I was ALWAYS such a rock of strength & a caregiver for others- it may be hard for him to accept & see me like this…. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer of why it’s hard for them.

So, maybe there are resources to give you & your family a break. There are even people who will volunteer their time to come & be with someone who has Alzheimer’s for a while & maybe they can do that while you do what you need to for a little while.
I wish you the best

You cannot change other people. It is best just to let this go as there is enough on your plate.

I feel for you, and am in the same boat. I, however, resent being called a martyr and a whiner because I choose to care for mom. My mom not only raised us, but she was here for us throughout our lives, and even provided free home daycare for my brother’s children. I’m not trying to “apply for sainthood”. I’m just trying to do what I feel is right by mom. My brother will never step up (until money is being disbursed). My solution has been to hire in home caregivers. I absolutely had to do it. I hope you can find the help you need, and I wish you all the best.

PS. Sometimes help comes from unlikely places. My brother’s ex wife of 15+ years has stepped up to help. SHE remembers everything my mom did for her kids.

As others have posted, neither of you is obliged to take care of mom. Looks like mom didn’t plan or save for her own eldercare, and you’re on the hook. Since you don’t have to be, start looking for options that don’t include your sister. If she hasn’t helped by now, she never will.

As for sis calling to talk with mom, sometimes there’s not much to say to a dementia patient. They don’t won’t or can’t converse like normal people. Sis may not wish to carry on a convo that seems like a waste of time. Sad, but that’s how it is.

I hope you find help somewhere soon. If it’s possible to place mom in a facility, that would be a whole lot better for you and be much more interesting for her than sitting around your house.

The simple answer here is that you can't get your sister to help. Period.
You made your choice to move mom in your home and care for her(why I don't know)and your sister has made her choice to not help and live and enjoy her life.
It sounds like you perhaps have regretted your decision to move mom in and are now jealous because your sister is living and enjoying her life while you're strapped down to care for your mom.

The good news here is that neither one of you have to care for your mom. You can start looking into assisted living facilities where mom will get the help she needs and be around people her own age and have fun, and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver.
And as always if money is an issue, mom can apply for Medicaid.

It's time for you and hubby to get your lives back so you can start enjoying the only life you have and will ever have.

Your sister doesn't participate in your mother's care, and neither do you have to. You can't make other people do things that they don't want to do. Same with grandchildren.

What are your mother's finances like? Can she afford a facility? Can she qualify for Medicaid? Are you her POA/HCPOA?

What type of tasks do you have to for her, and how much time does it take?

You love your Mom.
You took on being Mom's caregiver.

The kinda blunt truth of it is you have chosen to do this.
Chosen because... It felt right..? Based on your moral compass (my guess - as many other big-hearted folk do).

This of course does not mean you have to do it all, with no help from anyone.

These things make sense to me;
1. Each family member will choose how much they can help.
That is up to them.
2. Time arrises when care needs exceeds what family can do (aka informal supports)
3. Non-family help can be explored: homes services, sitters, personal care aides etc (aka formal suppoets).

It takes a village. This is said relating to raising a child, but I think it applies for elder care too.

If your sister isn't up to the task, look elsewhere. Start the search & collect your 'village' helpers.

For once, every single response here makes total sense! Bravi, bravi, tutti!

When, oh, when will martyrs STOP already with the whining about a sibling who doesn’t want to get trapped, strapped, and hog-tied to fooling with a senile parent? You wanna ruin your own life, trash your remaining years on this planet? Fine, have a party, and apply for sainthood…but respect, please, the sibling who chooses to say, “count me out.”

Not one damn thing you can, nor should, “do” about it.

There's nothing you can do. You can't force your sister into becoming a caregiver.
She doesn't want to and that is fine. Guilting or coercing her into it will make things even worse. Dropping your mother off at her house will do no good at all for any of you.

You and your sister need to have a serious talk. Tell her plainly that covering all of your mother's care needs is too much for you without help. The choice is either start helping out with the care, start contributing financially to pay for care (if you want to preserve any potential assets), or help find a care facility to place your mother in.

You made a mistake when taking your mother in to assume that your sister or anyone else would step up and help out with it.
It doesn't work like that.

No response from the OP. I suspect she only wants to know how to make her sister come to at least visit their mother.

There's no way to do that, OP.

I wouldn't make up white lies about your sister not coming to visit, either. If your mother keeps asking for your sister to come visit, I'd tell her to ask your sister herself during one of the daily phone calls.

Have you done that?