Strange question from my wife about her condition.

My mother, in a rare moment of lucidity, asked why she needed caregivers. I explained that her mind was not processing information as well as it used to, just as her SIL needs care because her eyes no longer work, her bro needs a hearing aid because his ears no longer work, and I need a brace because my knee no longer works. As we age, different parts fail on different people.

She mulled it over and seemed to understand.

Then proclaimed that it was surely due to something I’d done to her. Maybe poison.

Meh.

My elderly neighbor is forgetting everyone’s names. He said to me the other day, “I’m so sorry that I can’t remember your name.”

My grandma definitely knew she was having memory issues. And she would remember later that she didn't remember earlier. One time when we visited (she was five hours away from us), when we greeted her she did not know us. The next day when we went back, she told us she was sorry she was having a "dummy day" the day before and of course she knew us, and she was fine the whole time we were with her. She talked often of having "dummy days" so she was well aware of the changes happening to her.

My mom definitely knows that there is something wrong with her.

We are about 3 years in, as well.

She gets upset, and says, “I wish I could just be REGULAR” and “I wish I could be the one helping YOU.” The second is pretty weird, cause she never really was much help at all - she would say, “no one helped me!”

She also reaches out to get me to hold her hand. Which is also weird, because she was NEVER affectionate in my direction.

She also has no filter. Like your wife, trash talking comes easy to her, now that the filing cabinet that used to keep those words hidden away no longer holds much at all! 🤣

You’re a good husband!

A Neurologist and Geriatric Psychiatrist can assist you and your wife with proper diagnoses and treatments.

My Mom had been showing signs of Dementia for a while. My nephew lived with her so he was there most of the time. A hospital visit made it so, she now had to live with me until her housevsold and we placed her. Her doctor explained to her how things would be and to not worry. He never said the word Dementia. I did after she asked me a question. The next day she was reading the paper and said..."here is something about what you told me I had" Yep there was an article on Dementia. You just never know what will go flitting thru their mind.

My MIL is not dxed with dementia, per se--but she definitely has signs of it.

Forgetting anything that happened 1/2 ago, but crystal clear on a conversation she had with someone in 1979.

Hides things, throws them away, whatever. The kids have been searching high and low for her most recent fall pendant and could not find it. Eventually, it came to mind that she'd thrown it away.

DH reports that she will be unable to phrase a thought, and when she's upset, she smacks herself in the head saying "why can't I remember that?".

The list goes on and on. The kids have opted to not have her tested for dementia b/c it's patently obvious she has it. (And OB is a psychologist and HAS given her several mini-psych tests. She doesn't pass anything.)

If only she had gotten 'nicer' with her dementia. She's so bad now they can barely get her to let in the CNA who brings her meds and bathes her. She yells at my DH when she's mad at OB.

The only thing I've heard from the 'kids' is that they simply do not engage with her, verbally, when she gets like this. She fights with them and blames them for things that didn't happen. They will try to re-direct conversations, but I don't know how helpful that is.

A lot of folks with any of the dementias are more than aware that they're no longer able to remember things and that something is very off with themselves.
That's why a lot of them end up suffering from depression as the reality that they're basically losing their mind is more than they can handle.
It can be quite scary for some. Usually though as the disease progresses they become lost in their own little world and are no longer aware that they have these issues.
The fact that your wife seems to know that she's having these issues tells me that she may not be as advanced in the disease as you may think she is.
This is a horrible disease and it's heartbreaking to watch those we love lose themselves.
Bless you for taking such good care of your wife.

Yes they recognize often and can verbalize often.
Answer honestly as you have been without details she can't handle.
My brother, with his diagnosis of probable early Lewy's loved to discuss it, how real his hallucinations were, and how he saw the world differently. What patterns in carpet of marble would bring on hallucinations. He was in early stages and said he was not happy to know where he was going, but was happy to know WHY he saw the world so differently. He would have been a marvelous test subject as he loved to discuss it.
Important is to tell your wife what she feels is normal for the condition she has and that you will be there for her and keep her safe and secure.