Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
W
wileycat66 Asked September 2023

How to get out of living with an often angry and personality disordered elderly parent?

Has anyone tried to live with an elderly parent where there has been a history of verbal and emotional abuse from way back and it never quite resolved? Like generational types of conflict that gets repeated by the elderly parent almost unconsciously?


 


I am disabled and single and the worst mistake of my life so far has been moving into a home with my elderly parent where I get to be the daughter living in a basement area underneath her nice home. The archetype of that is enough to make me feel depressed. It is a nice home and my living area is nice, but conflict breaks out on a routine basis and she talks to me like I everything I do agitates her or like I am an inferior child. Doesn't matter what it is. It was always like this, but it's worse as she is now 83.


 


I have bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD, chronic migraine, and now Gastroparesis and other digestive issues for which I am supposed to manage my stress and just keep some weight on and some food down.


 


Yesterday she started a lot of drama with me because I sounded agitated for a change over something small. She goes to a family and friends support group for those who have a bipolar family member and uses things said in the group against me in order to win an argument. I finally called up the group leader to let them know that I didn't appreciate hearing the stigmatizing statements in group being hurled at me outside of their group.


 


I do not have enough income to just run out and get an apartment as they are beyond expensive these days. I do work part time from home but it involves book inventory I sell online. So lots of stuff requiring an extra room.


 


I have put myself on a housing list but that could be another two years. I feel terrible, but my own mental and physical health is not doing well. She is the source of a lot of trauma for me as a child and I am constantly feeling triggered in spite of getting special therapy, etc.


 


I am at her beck and call for things she can do herself a lot of the time. I have no other family around to help out, but I cannot live there anymore. It is literally killing me. I can barely eat due to the gastroparesis and I'm worried about myself now. She has money and a nice home and can hire a care giver if needed. She has health issues, but still mostly sharp and active.


 


I am now trying to find some tiny apartment I can afford and give up my book business and maybe get a different part time job. Even when I would visit her, it was never long before we would argue. I have been going to DBT therapy and it has been helping my distress levels, but yesterday I was caught off guard and she started shrieking at me and berating me.


 


I don't know how the rest of you live with this sort of thing because I know some of you do. I just want to know if anyone has successfully gotten away from a borderline/narcissist elderly mother later in her life or at least been able to set firm boundaries. It's harder when disabled. This situation was not supposed to be exactly like this, but when she moved out closer to me, there were not a lot of other options when Covid started. I imagined I would have an entirely separate living area with a private entrance.


 


I left a place where I was paying decent rent to be tormented living with her. I contacted a social worker today for help navigating 55+ housing options, etc.. It was a very bad decision and she knows it, too, to move in together. Things will be fine, or barely fine, and then a traumatic blowout happens.


 


I am sitting in a hotel because I can't handle the toxic energy around her anymore. Wondering what others in my situation did. I told her in a text that I need a lot of space while I look for other housing and if she needs things done, write them done. I'm done with the endless discussion of what needs to be done at home. That's all her life is, is obsessing about her house and using my mental health dx as her only social outlet.


 


Thank you.

funkygrandma59 Sep 2023
If you don't make the necessary changes NOW, it will be you who dies before your mom.
Please don't go back home. Stay in a homeless shelter if you have to and let Social Services find you affordable housing.
And no matter what, never ever put yourself in such a toxic environment again. You deserve so much better. I hope you know that.

JoAnn29 Sep 2023
With your health problems, you cannot care for Mom. I oversee a nephew who has disabilities from birth. He has been living in an apt for 5 years now alone. I was able to find him help.

Do you get Social Security Disability? If so, then you receive Medicaid and Medicare? Where I live there is HUD subsidized housing. They require 30% of your monthly income for rent. I think electric is a set amount. There are food closets and food stamps. There is Senior/disabled bussing. Reg busses give discounts for the disabled.

I would contact your local Disabilities Dept. My local one is part of Office of Aging. They may be able to help you find a place of your own and resources. The State helps my nephew with a housing voucher. He gets an aid for 5 hrs once a week and a Coordinator. The Aid takes him to appts and to run errands and just to go to the Park.

You may want to check with Social Services about Supplimental income (SSI). You may be able to receive that in addition to ur SSD. They maybe able to help with housing. Even with SSD you can have a job. Just can't make more than a certain amt a year. Ask SS about this.

You can do this. I am so glad u walked away. You should never be ur Moms caregiver in any way. If she starts showing signs of Dementia, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult. You tell them with ur disabilities you cannot help her. Good Luck and update us.

ADVERTISEMENT


janicemeyer18 Sep 2023
Please get your PCP to refer you to a social services case manager who will help you find appropriate, affordable housing for yourself. Or you can contact social services on your own. You can also call APS, Adult Protective Services, and report your situation in the home . APS will make a visit to the home and assessed the dynamics and, can actually take over your care with options if you do not feel safe. APS can also assess your parent and, go forward from there. Do not just sit alone in a hotel room. It is valid to feel afraid and not sure what to do: here's where to start.....get social services involved either via your PCP referral, your own call or call APS.

AlvaDeer Sep 2023
You have both mental and physical disabilities that are, I am thinking, preventing you from having a job. Disability, which must be a factor now in your life, isn't enough to afford most housing, so I am understanding how and why you have ended up where you are now living. You say it is a very good living condition in terms of comfort and it sounds as though you also have a good deal of privacy.

We have heard your side of all of this, and I do sympathize, but I also wonder what your elderly Mom would say about her side of things. It sounds as though neither of you is going "grey rock" silent with the other. It takes two to continuously bicker.

I am glad you are on a list for housing. I do hope you will be able to continue to reach for as much independence as you are able. You, with your severe mental and physical limitations are not in a position to take on caregiving for an elderly woman. Your mother is not going to improve in health or attitude toward you.

I am very sorry for BOTH of you. This is hard to get through on a daily basis and you have my very best wishes. I hope you find housing soon.

TouchMatters Sep 2023
IF you decide to stay there, limit your interaction by 99.9%.
Clearly, if you are 'sitting in a hotel,' this is your answer.
It is time to move out.

As I often say, the other person won't change, you have to - for your own survival, peace of mind, quality of life. If you do not make changes, the situation will continue to deteriorate / cause you ongoing emotional, physical, and psychological stress.

In order to make this decision to severe your relationship with your mom - as it is now - you need to learn to value YOURSELF. Feel you are worth more than what you are allowing your life to be like in this environment. If you do not value your self / your life, you will stay 'stuck' - Get into therapy if you can. You need support.

Gena / Touch Matters

BarbBrooklyn Sep 2023
Your mother is mentally ill.

You aren't going to be able to help "just a little". Sorry to sound harsh, but that's the truth.

If you want to read about someone else who went through this, get a copy of "Never Simple" by Liz Scheier She tried to help "just a little". She ended up realizing that she needed to go no contact and leave her mom to be helped by Social Workers. They tried too.
wileycat66 Sep 2023
Thank you. Sometimes she is fine, but I have past abuse and C-PTSD issues and it's just not easy. She doesn't see her part in anything. It's a mental illness. I am right now working on minimal contact and seeing what I can do for other housing, which will take a while. Thanks for the reading idea! I will get that book.
deniseblair Sep 2023
I'm dealing with the same situation. All I can say is start your spiritual journey now. You will reach a point where none of her negative comments will bother you. Secondly, become a boring person. Give one word replies, if any. Try to understand she is just repeating the programming her parents passed on to her. Break the cycle. Don't do anything for her she can do for herself. Get your chores done then go outside. Walk in nature. You will heal in time. Focus on finding your happiness. Do little things that bring you peace, joy, and excitement. Know this too shall pass. Lastly, let your light shine. That is how you get back at a narcissist.
wileycat66 Feb 1, 2024
I am on the spiritual journey much more steadily now but still have lapses here and there. I am seeing that how her mind works is her own problem more and more and that I cannot fix it.

Her mother was very abusive to her as well. I am getting there with going out and making friends. It's interesting that when I return after having a good time, it's almost like she makes it a point to be miserable and complaining just to bring me down on some level, though she encourages me to get out and meet people.

I will never forget how hard it was to graduate from college in my late 20's and I finally did. She nearly made me late for my graduation and told me to just go in and she will park. I was wondering where she was. She was waiting at the front door of the place full of anger - to blast me for about where in the hell was I? I told her I was graduating.

I guess she got lost in the parking lot and couldn't figure out where to go. But as my step-mother pointed out, she could have asked several people and it wasn't that hard to figure out where the doors to the main building were.

I have to remember not to do anything for her that she can do herself. Thank you. That is what I have been thinking that will cut down on these miserable interactions.
MDJones Sep 2023
You have to get out of that toxic situation before it kills YOU. You have only one life, and you deserve to live it without this kind of torment. Narcissistic parents turn into monsters when they get dementia, etc...but they already were to a great extent and they will take you down with them. Protect your one life, while being as attentive as you can and getting her help and into a home somewhere. You deserve this. It's an act of self-preservation.

Beatty Sep 2023
I like how you have plans for your own home. You're in a tough spot but are willing to consider your options & have already taken big steps.

Persistence & grit!
The Finnish call it *Sisu*.

There will be setbacks & obstacles. You may need to settle for a smaller or more modest home than wished for, but it will be your own space.

Connecting yourself to community & social services is a good start. You may wish to suggest to your Mother she connect herself to elder services also. (She can decide).

Best of luck going forward.

ConnieCaretaker Sep 2023
(copy and paste)

https://agefriendlypikespeak.org/resources_categories/housing/#:~:text=The%20Colorado%20Springs%20Housing%20Authority,are%20inspected%20annually%20as%20well

and this sentence to do a search: "jobs for the disabled colorado springs co"

See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter