I picked my mom up for an appointment today and as we were driving she said that she felt excluded from my family when my MIL died recently.

She hadn’t see her grandchildren together before the funeral. Then no one took her. I would feel excluded and hurt, too.

Assuming the fathers have both passed, there’s no one left for your sibs and her grandchildren but her.

Oh, this could be MY MIL.

When mom died, MIL said nothing, not a word. Not even a card, much less flowers or a phone call. After the funeral and all the stuff that had to be taken cared of, she got mad at DH for not taking her to funeral. Said she felt left out and that nobody cared about her.

Well, in life, she was really cruel and cutting to my mom. Mom had her issues, sure, but being mean to my MIL was absolutely not one of them. MIL put mom down, was openly rude to her on the occasions we took both of them somewhere. One night she had my mom in tears over something stupid she said and that was the END of that.

DH blew her off completely, saying "You didn't like her. You never acknowledged her presence in anything. You acted superior to her. Why would anyone take you to the funeral so you could just somehow make it be all about you?"

This is the same woman, who, after finding out I had stage 4 NHL, simply ignored me and NEVER asked, not once, how I was, or how I was doing. I treated for almost a year and when I went to see her (against my will) and my hair was beginning to not look so scary--she looked at me, deep-sighed and said "Why didn't you just DIE?"

And people wonder why I am grey rock with her?

When her ex DH died,17 years after they'd divorced, she was FURIOUS that no one sent her flowers or a card, acknowledging her 'widowhood". Love of Pete, she wasn't a WIDOW she was a divorcee! And she didn't even send her own kids any kind of card or acknowledgment that THEY had lost their father. And she didn't go to the viewing or funeral.

Then she harangued ME for details about the funeral--which had been recorded--and asked for a copy so she could make sure nobody had talked bad about her. (sigh). I told her the CDs were for family only and she had to ask DH. He refused.

We didn't, and DON'T play into this level of crazy.

Someone talked about 'deflection' and I can say that with her? That's patently impossible, if she has something on her mind, that's all she can focus on or talk about. You can't change the subject.

When she gets like this, the kids go out on the back porch and listen to music so they don't have to interract with her.

Please don't let yourself fall for that attention-seeking, pity-pot bullsh*t "performance" of her feeling "excluded" from her family. Your in-laws are not her family. They are your family.
You and I both have already seen our mothers starring in that show too many times. Don't buy another ticket to it.

You are correct if you think it's a ploy to get attention because she resents not being the center of attention for every moment of everyone's life.

My mother is very much like yours and has an uncanny ability to 'escalate' things that really have nothing to do with her. She was this way with both my sets of in-laws.

Don't tolerate this behavior from her. Visit her when it is convenient for you to do so. Then tell her very plainly that her innapproriate and downright selfish behavior is going to be the reason why YOU put her out of your life.

She has a choice. That choice is stop ingratiating herself in the parts of your life she does not belong in, or she will be put out of your life.

You should also take some time off from visiting her and limit the number of phone calls too for a while. Take a break. She needs to think about her behavior and how it affects your life and the lives of people you love.

I have just left those type of comments roll off my back. My mother who does not have dementia thinks everything should be her way and that she is the most important person in the world.

News flash...she is not.

I agree with your retort. Keep on track, don't dwell on her demands and whining.

How old is Mom?

Your Mom needs Labs done to see what her numbers are. When ur Dad saw changes, it should have been looked into. Of course the first thing we think is Dementia. As we age we lose some cognivity. A test for that would not hurt either. If nothing is found...I would say Mom was always like this but covered it up well. As we age, I feel, we don't filter what we say like we used too. I would remind her that you are not the only child and your children not the only grands.

If Mom can't understand that her grandchildren can't be there all the time because they live in other States with lives of their own, then she has a problem. My parents and in-laws were not friends. So for my Mom to say she felt "excluded" would have been weird. I don't think she was even at my in-laws burials. They lived in another State, cremated and sent to our State to be buried in a National Cemetery. It was just in-laws family.

You may have to chalk this all up to age. Don't argue with her. Just say, sorry Mom you feel like that. But I would say that you are not an only child, she has 3 other children with children. Maybe its time for her to reach out to them. You and your family can't be everything to her. Reminding her again that your children live in other States with jobs and lives of their own. Things are no longer like they were when she was young where family lived in the same area and dropped into see each other and had holidays together. She needs to except that this is her life now and she needs to make the best of it. That her attitude is driving people away.

At this stage of her life you may have to just let things run off your back and chalk it up that she is getting old. Really, she has had to give up a lot. Leaving her home to live in one room with a few of her things around her. Can no longer drive. Has to rely on other people to get her to where she needs to go. Its hard to lose your independence. Her friends are dying off. Her life has changed drastically and you and your family get to go on with yours. But that does not mean you give up ur life for her. It just means she has to adjust. May take a while, she may never adjust because in her mind it should be her way.

Do what you can for your Mom. Involve her when u can. If she turns you down say "well I asked Mom. You remember, you turned me down" Do you take her out to breakfast, lunch or dinner maybe once a week? My Mom, errands were done once a week. Every Friday we met 2 other couples Moms age at Burger King. That gave Mom some socialization. But life happens. One of the wives died and a husband had a stroke so our little group disbanded.

This may have worked better when Mom began her litany of woe:

"Oh, Mom. I am so sorry. I had NO idea you would have wished to attend the funeral. You never said anything all the time that Myrtle was ill, nor even as we were planning the funeral. Had I known it was so important to you to attend I could have picked you up. Dearest, next time please let us know!
Now, where shall we go to lunch after your appointment?"

Don't argue. Don't engage. Don't defend.
Deflect.

Your mother has an inflated sense of worth. My grandmother was the same way. The old saying is "A bride at every wedding, a corpse at every funeral". Your mother feels as if she should be the honored guest at any family gathering...including your mother in law's funeral. She is upset because no one made the effort to come and get her. I am sure in her mind she thinks everyone at the funeral was wonder where she was.

Do not feed into this behavior. Did you ask her why she felt she needed to be part of your MIL's funeral?

If an aging LO has functioned within some general parameters of behavior, then begins functioning differently, it may be more fair to observe the “new” behaviors as potential “symptoms” rather than being socially “inappropriate”.

However uncomfortable the new behaviors can be, ESPECIALLY as the “children” of people who are observing the changes in their parents or older relatives.

Living in AL happens for a reason, and the needs of AL residents can, and typically do, progress, slowly or quickly.

Is a family participating with your mother in family meetings, (if they’re offered)? Has the staff at her residence noted any change in her outlook?

This was the hardest part of any of the family care/management situations I’ve lived within.

Maybe she really is “….never to blame….”, and maybe you, as someone who loves her may be “….taking care of some patient….”.

It’s ok for you to be upset and confused by all of this, most of us are. Try to remember that it’s possible that getting mad at her probably won’t achieve any positive results for her, or for you.

Has she had a thorough physical recently? Maybe a vision/hearing/cognitive assessment? Probably a good place to start.

Be sure you take good care of yourself. She deserves good supportive care, but so do you.

"She thinks she needs to be everywhere with everyone yet she has no way to do so".

Anxiety? Loneliness?

I think this kind of clingy attitude/behaviour can creep in when social skills start to decline. People become less able to connect with the people around them so reply on family being their whole social world more & more. Add some memory slippage too & you get asked why you haven't visited, why you haven't called. (When you have actually done so quite recently, they cannot 'feel' the time).

How distressing to experience a beloved parent acting unlike themselves. I was afraid of this with my own father as he neared the end of his life, and there were a couple of incidents, that while brief, were disturbing. At one point he became almost (for him) slightly argumentative in insisting that we start using his old trusty VCR (long discarded) to tape the news programs he loved as he had done for himself for many years when he was well. In vain we explained that now the DVR recorded everything for him easily and conveniently but he didn’t seem to accept this explanation and was visibly irritated. It was hard for him to forget about the matter.

The other incident was the night before he passed away when he briefly demanded to be taken “home”, with a little edge to his voice. This was a sweet, gentle man who previously had almost never raised his voice to anyone. I was so afraid that he would continue to have these uncharacteristic episodes until the Lord himself brought him home. Thankfully he did not as he began to near his final hours but it was stressful.

Personality change due to frailty, the conditions that are contributing to death and the process of dying itself is a real issue and I think it something all caregivers have to prepare themselves for.

My best wishes to you and your mom as you travel this road.