My 88-year-old mother lives in filth and won't allow anyone to help clean. She has bowel incontinence and her bathroom is disgusting. How do I get her to allow someone to come clean?

The issue here is not finding someone to literally clean up the sh*t. Every homecare CNA and HHA has cleaned pee and crap off of walls, floors, furniture, clothing, and people.

Your mother cannot be on her own anymore. You say she doesn't have dementia, but a person willing to live in a dangerous bio-hazard there's some serious mental issues going on here. Granted, it could be mental illness but at 88 it's probably some form of dementia. Or both. Whatever it is she not coping and if care has to be forced on her, do it.

So now is the time to make some choices. If she will not be compliant with help coming in then things will go one of two ways.


Either she will have to be forced into a care facility by APS and the state against her will where she will live out the rest of her life, or you (or another family member) will have to petition for conservstorship. Then it will legally not be her decision to make whether or not paid caregivers are hired.

You're not the first person to find themselves in this kind of situation with an elderly parent and sadly you won't be the last.
So many people are dealing with a stubborn senior who won't "allow" help to come in.

Here's the thing though. When they're living in unsafe filth and crapping all over the house what they will or won't "allow" is irrelevant because they can't make the decision anymore.

Your brother having POA from 600 miles away is completely useless. You're also not alone in a parent choosing the distant son over the local daughter. The daughter can manage all of it and so the work. The son can get the praise and look after the money.
Sounds familiar? I bet it does.

Get the POA changed to you. Then your mother must be made to understand that either she accepts paid help coming in, or APS will put her in a nursing home. This is what happens and once they get involved it will not be her choice or her family's.


Trust me because I know. I was an in-home client caregiver for 25 years.

I've seen many a stubborn elder removed from their homes and placed against their will and against the wishes of family because the filth and squalor of the home was unsafe.
More than a few of those cases were reported by myself. I was mandated to report if a client's home was unsafe or if abuse was suspected.

I always gave a stubborn elder a chance to get compliant with care and a family some time to clean a place up before snitching to APS. I'm unusual though. Most caregivers call it in on day one.

Get in that house. Call a cleaning company to handle it. Then get your mom to her doctor and get that POA changed over to you. Start here.

I'm glad you found this group because you'll find a lot of good people here with good advice.

I would not even try to tackle it. I would call APS . Mom is 88, there is some mental decline at 88. She is not thinking reasonably. She needs to get to a hospital for evaluation. She then needs to be placed in LTC or AL if she can afford it, unless you or brother want to care for her. It is no longer what Mom wants but what she needs.

Anyone who allows herself to live in such conditions is clearly not in her right mind. That means (probably) advanced dementia or mental illness. You might as well stop trying to reason with her because she can’t understand . She’s sick. She needs more help than cleaning her house.

Start by involving social services. Good luck.

If you could convince here there are special companies that do toxic waste removal. Search "Feces/Urine Cleanup Services" = $$$

But you already stated she won't allow anyone to help clean, so why exhaust yourself thinking she'll magically be a different person if you present her with a different solution?

Does your Mother have a medical diagnosis of dementia? Does she have a PoA? If not, it may be best to just contact APS and report her. They will take care of her mess and find a facility for her.

She needs to be at a higher level of care. You can clean it up but it’s going to keep happening. Call adult protective services.

Also, you don’t ask her to agree to having someone come cleanup. You tell her it’s happening.

Has your mother been diagnosed with any cognitive decline?
are you mom's POA?
If mom is competent and you are not (or somoene else is not) POA that should be taken care of in case the need arises.
Self neglect is reportable as "Elder Abuse" so you could take that route and see what happens, would a "non family" person get through to her that she needs to change her living conditions?
The other solution would be have someone take mom out for the day and hire a cleaning crew to come in and clean the house/apartment.
(when you hire cleaning crew thell them the situation that they will be tackling.)
Be prepared to have to do this again and again if the conditions do not change.
She obviously needs help and if that help is not accepted nothing will change.

My vote is a call to APS. This is a pitiful way to live.

Mom needs to be in a nursing home and in diapers. Living in a feces covered house is a recipe for infection and disease. It's not like you can clean once or twice a week either because most people take a crap at least once a day.

"Mom I can't stand this and it makes me sick to visit, so we get someone in here or I can't visit anymore" nuff said. Then call a cleaning place that works with insurance companies after disasters.. they have seen it all, One is called Scene Clean, but I am sure if you call your insurance agent they can recommend a local company.

If it’s possible try to clean up the worst while she is sleeping. You can also pretend to use the bathroom and spray the toilet, sink and tub then use paper towels to clean why the sink is running. Be quick. Also I find it helpful to find out the trauma of why it is what it is. A lot of older people have a past they don’t tell. And it affects them. But I hope things work out for you and your mom. All the support in the world sometimes is more valuable than a sparkling home.