Dad has been delayed in a pre planned move to indep living facility bc of health issues. He sold his home last month and I have gone down 3 times in 1 month to try and get him to start packing and he procrastinated. Day before the move I went down to help coordinate ( I live 6 hours away). Original plan was he and lady friend to move together but she needs to sell her place. They are both in their 80s. I don’t think they understood what Indepenent living is. He’s called me 18 times today about not having food ( he just can’t get downstairs because he didn’t order the scooter like he said he would) He has mobility issues , has bladder issues / incontinence and is drinking heaviliy to manage his depression ( denise and says “ only a glass or 2 for stress) He has paid security deposit and first month rent and moved all his stuff. ( he didn’t take my advice) and now realizes he needs asstd living. I’d prefer him to move to assisted living by me but he’s committed to her and I think she’s stringing him along saying shell
move there but that could take months and he can’t be alone. Until this gets sorted out and I can get him into assisted ( here or there) what kinds of things can I do to help support him? Hire a nurse or CNA to come in daily? What is a resource that can help me w this ? He’s in a great facility w tons of amenities but he can’t take advantage of them bc of mobility/ health and he’s there alone and never should have gone to independent living - the places her in NY required DR notes to attest to ability to live alone. Not in PA ?- his expectations are unrealistic and for $5000 a months he’s getting nothing. Sorry if rambling. Im
justgreally sad and frustrated. He won’t give me access to his doctors, I’m an only child and I’ve tried to help as much as I can by going down there but he procrastinates and now is begging me to fix things. Husband says I need to be tough .. what about adult protection? Isn’t self neglect something they look at? If I convince him to come here I can get him in assisted living or a senior apartment w nursing care a few hours a day. Any advice appreciated.
9 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
ADVERTISEMENT
If you do not have POA, you should talk Dad into assigning you. It is a tool so you can help him when needed. He would still be in control as long as he is not declared incompetent. You need to tell him without it, the State could step in and a stranger would be taking over his care. If he still says no then tell him he is on his own then.
Medicare supplies scooters and wheelchairs with a doctors order. You need to tell Dad as long as he lives 6 hrs away from you, you cannot be there for him. Set those boundaries. No calling u 18x a day. Once in an AL there should be no reason for calls all the time. No reason for you to have to fix things. Whats it called...not able to make executive decisions? Him not packing, him not ordering the scooter, him not thinking without the scooter he can't get around, all part of cognitive decline.
I also would call the GF and bring her up to date. Tell her without her living with him, he cannot stay in the IL he will need to go to AL. Will that change her plans about living with him? Ask her to be honest, was she ever planning to move in with him. If not, thats OK but you need to make plans. SHE also has to call him and tell him that she will not be moving in with him with whatever excuse she wants to make. It can't come from u because he won't believe you.
If you move him closer to you or into your home, you’re on the hook until he dies. We see that a lot on here, people desperate because they did just that and it’s ruining their lives. There are many fine senior places in Florida. Let him find one or stay where he is in assisted living instead of independent. They deal with this all the time, trust me. There are nice employees there to help him switch. Nice women to flock around and make him happy. Field trips where an aide will wheel him about. And none of them are YOU!!!! Make sure you never are.
Good luck.
Does the place he moved into have AL? If so can the living arrangement be change from IL to AL?
If the place he moved into does not have AL do they have a "sister facility" that has AL? If so I would find out if he can transfer to that.
The other option would be to have him pay for a caregiver that will come and help him.
Don't overreact he is the one who screwed this up not you, he needs to be in AL, so if he is not getting anything for his $5,000 a month that is his fault, you cannot make everything right for the man as he will continue to screw up.
As for moving in with you that would be a BIG "No", it is very difficult to get them out once they are in your home. Follow your husbands lead, he is on the right track.
The girlfriend? Well don't expect much, she is looking for a free ride, old men don't make good decisions when they are in love, it is a day-to-day occurrence here in Florida, women look for an old man with some money and con them from there, including being in their will and cutting out others.
It's only been a few days, calm down, the fun has only just begun, trust me I have two in homes, one AL the other MC.
Good Luck!
He is realising he needs more care than IL. But hasn't realised/accepted yet that if he wants your help, you need the information & authority to do so.
Basically, if he wants you to drive, he must hand over his keys.
PS It doesn’t have to be all his way or all your way. Having some good honest discussions will hopefully find the right road for him. What is really important to him? Who does he want to live closest to now? (He can always change later on).