My husband has a passive/aggressive relationship with his mom? How do I deal with that?

In summer 2022, you wrote that your H complained about your visits with your parents in a NH.

Did your MIL move to a MC near you within the last year because her H passed?

I say you do what you want for your parents in the NH, and let your H do what he wants for his mother in the MC.

I don't know why you would be this upset about your husband's relationship with his mother. She doesn't live with you. As Dr. Laura says, his relationship with his parent is his business and for you it is "just be polite". I love her form of tough love. So I would say let him visit her without you; no reason you both need to go, show up once in a while, be polite, move on with your life. He is doing what makes him most comfortable with an uncomfortable situation. Just let him do it his way.

Innes, your profile says “Facing a near future with ageing parents. Looking for support and encouragement on how to navigate this new ‘normal’”. I would encourage you to be polite to your husband, to your relations, and to the people on this site. And you should be able to see that’s really a supportive comment. You’ll do better that way.

He does these things for his mother because he loves her. She's not asking for diamonds and furs, she's asking for a CD, a book or a movie. If I had a dime for everything I bought for my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, I'd have enough to buy MYSELF a diamond.

These elders are scared and lonely in Memory Care, for the most part. Their addled brains are tricking them into paranoid and delusional thinking, believing their parents are still alive and other assorted things. They regress in time back to young girls and want to go home, when life was wonderful, which it no longer is. If we "children" can bring them some joy and happiness for a little while, why wouldn't we?

I'd bring my mother a new blouse with matching costume jewelry when I'd go visit. Or a fancy dessert. Or her favorite food from a restaurant. My husband once drove across town to buy her some Italian struffoli at Christmas time bc he knew she loved them.

I always thank God I have a loving and supportive husband who stands by me no matter what.

My Dh is doing the EXACT SAME THING with his mother.

My only answer is that he feels tremendous guilt over being a crappy son and he's doing all he can to make up for that. (She calls him a crappy son, and he has assumed the role as being true).

Nothing to do and nothing I intend to do to help him.

If she ever passes, the first thing I'd like to see him do is get some therapy to work through the love/hate thing he has with his mom.

And I hope feeling ticked off is OK because I know I am, on a daily basis.

It's a sick dynamic that has likely been going on for years and isn't going to end until she dies. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but while he's in the trenches with this, he cannot see it for what it is.

When my DH does something for his mom that is just, well, ridiculous, I just bite my tongue. One more issue to work out in therapy, someday.

I get your dilemma. I have no solace for you. You recognize it for the crazy that it is and let it go. (Advice I need to remember!)

After reading all your responses, Ines, it seems to me you more want only support (which reads sympathy) than ideas how to make things better. It also sounds more to me like this is a marriage problem than a MIL problem. You clearly don't like the woman. To me many of your complaints about her seem vague as in she wants to be treated "like a queen". So it's hard to judge what's going on. Perhaps consider seeing someone for counseling to help you with these issues. Either you alone, or if he would consider it, you and your hubby.

I do wish you the best moving forward. Your MIL is in care, not in your home, and that's a major plus that so many here aren't lucky enough to have. She is also an aging elder, so this is kind of a self-limiting situation.

Since nothing she is asking for costs very much, but may make her happy i just don't get this. Perhaps your hubs just wants to give her some pleasure in her time left, and I can;t really see where it impacts you much as he is going to visit her anyway? If you feel this is really impacting your time together then talk to him

"We" want to please our parents.
This "training"starts when we are young (think Pavlov's dogs) when we are "good" we are rewarded, when we are "bad" we are punished.
So I think him wanting to please mom is a response that he has.
It is easy to give someone something when they are happy and nise to you, it is difficult to be nice to someone that is being mean and hateful, spiteful to you.
You can not change him or his "training" and response to it.
You can change your reaction to it.
If he wants to please her, let him but if he drags you into it tell him you are sorry you can't help him track down the latest book or whatever she wants.
If and when you visit if she is the "hateful MIL" that day make your excuses and go to the car and read or go to another part of the facility and sit and read. If it is the "nice MIL" stay and visit a bit. (if you want)

Of course it's normal. The life you had with your husband has been upended. He has other interests now (keepmomhappy keepmomhappy guiltovernotkeepingmomhappy keepmomhappy wifeisnthappy). That's his thought process.

Mom will probably never be happy. Her cognitive issues will get worse. This often includes blaming, shaming, and thinking others are stealing from them. No matter what he does, it will never be enough

I suggest you read other posts on this forum about wives who are in the same position with selfish and sick MILs and their sons who have been sucked into the quicksand of keepmomhappy. That's a whole education about the problems of caregiving.

Try talking to husband about your concerns. Tell him you miss what was. His attitude will tell you a whole lot of what you need to know.

My sympathies about a bad situation.

What Loopy said

"She has been trained her whole life to let people walk all over her and treat her badly."

In your post you did not mention that what he does is effecting how he relates to you. He needs to realize that Mom is safe where she is. Is cared for, has shelter and food. He needs to also realize that your needs override what she thinks she needs. He has been groomed since childhood that Moms needs were the most important. She goes and lives in Fla and you don't have to deal with her. There is a reason she was placed in a MC facility and u aren't caring for her and thats OK.

If MIL is in MC then her Dementia is pretty advanced. I would ask DH to have a little test. Instead of running home and ordering her that book* or CD wait till the next visit and see if she asks about it. Tell him time for little white lies. Tell her its being ordered. I will bet, the book is not being read (have him ask her what its about) or listened to the CD (ask her "what was that song u liked?"). Waste of time and money. Her short-term should be pretty bad, so she may not remember from day to day or minute by minute. Their days just go into each other. He could see her every day and the next day she will want to know why he hasn't been there for a week. They have no conception of time.

He needs to realize, there is no reason to jump. You and your family are #1 and come first. He does not have to visit her every day. I so hope she does not have a cell phone. Really, no reason to have it in MC.

*the book, she maybe able to read the words, but not be able to string them together and comprehend what is being said. I found when my Mom read, the bookmark would be to the end and the next day at the beginning again. She could no longer follow the story. Sad because she was an avid reader. The CD, maybe she heard the song in the Common area. You don't by a CD for just one song. She is going to hear conversations where people are talking about things. Maybe even bring a gift that she will see that she likes and thinks she should have. Doesn't mean she should have. Her reality includes TV and dreams. Think of her like a toddler who wants everything they see, doesn't mean they get it.

I so hope you can sit down with DH and explain that he is not obligated to fill every whim she has. When he married, he left his mother and you and your children became a his priority. My MIL too was passive-aggressive. I think as boys that were given a lot of freedom, they learned to just say "Yes Mom" and go on their way.