Easiest way to live around a vengeful parent who lashes out?

Trials,

Please memorize the following and say it to her every day for a week. If there is no improvement, make a call to APS and walk away.

'You will not speak to me in any way that is snide or disrespectful.
You will not instigate any fighting or lash out at me in any way when I am here helping you.
You will not slander me and tell lies behind my back either.
If you cannot speak to me in a civil and respectful manner then I will call APS and abandon you. Then the state will take over.
Good luck in the crappy nursing home they place you in'.

You learn these words and I guarantee your mother's behavior towards you will greatly improve. You may also find that she stays silent when you're around.

Good.

Don't take her crap for a second. She needs you because you take care of her needs. Not the other way around.

Trials have you signed her up for the local transit? From my understanding, every county department of transportation has ride services for the disabled and elderly. Make her wait for the bus after her appointments, that might show her what a blessing you are to her.

Another thing I really recommend is calling her out every time she starts going "there". Mom, I'm not listening to the BS while I am giving up my life to help you. Then shoosh her, as aggressively as needed, ie shooooooooooooosh or shoosh or shooooooooooooooooooooooosh.

Whatever you decide, know that you are not a child under her authority any longer, you can tell her to her face to knock it off, however that needs to be said for her to hear.

My mom wouldn't ever hear unless I was super firm and I can't tell you how many phones calls were ended with a flat our lie just to hang up, oops another call I have been waiting for, love you, bye - click. So much easier then arguing or being degraded.

So Trials, why are you helping her?

Why aren't you telling HER (a la Burnt) to STFU ?

This situation seems to be taking a tremendous toll on your mental health.

Why does she get to bully you without consequences?

I'm genuinely curious. Not trying to blame you for this caregiving situation, which probably started out in a crisis.

But it seems to me like it's time to re-think the idea that mom can remain at home with you providing care.

it's nice to hear other perspectives on this, there is no child, this child we're spesking about is 30 something married and successful while being happy...the ongoing saga places me right on the cusp of behavior I'll accept. She is actually very mad about me leaving to my other house to take care of some things and leaving her to outside aid for 4 days. The subsequent conversations are often about my failings as a parent some 2o to 30 years ago, my failings as her child some 40 or more years ago, my siblings failings my father's failings, the dr's and nurses failings etc etc
I have a seperate unit from said parent, but am there 3 to 5 x a day depending. Her transfer skills are weak. She set off the fire alarm last night. I had to help her navigate complicated appointment making this morning, I'll give her a ride to a blood draw later today. IN the car she will absolutely guaranteed bring up an old situation that has long passed or any other number of discussions that will leave me non-plussed
In the end I'm still attending my job now mostly wfh and helping her stay in her home by living on the property separately. But every single GD time I get involved with her beyond daily short checks and mail delivery it turns like this.
She's not going to change.
How do any of you make life with a overbearing, self indulgent bully any easier?
Alva, shut tf up

Exposing yourself to abusive behavior is a voluntary action.

This has been going on for a long time, and you have written to us about it frequently. At some point living with this sort of thing has to be recognized as your own choice.

And no, people don't change. Especially Narcissists don't change, as they believe themselves to be absolutely and positively always right.

As to being "enemy #1" in the opinion of a "peanut gallery" of a family? What sort of person CARES about such a thing?

I cannot know how old the "child" you speak of is, but if you are exposing a minor to abusive behavior, that is on you, really. And could be considered negligent.

You are the second person in as many days to come to us with the same story, Trials, of "trials" in your life. Only you can change the exposure of yourself and those you are responsible to, to an abusive elder.
If you leave she has the exact SAME RESOURCES that any elder WITHOUT CHILDREN (and there are many) or any elder with children who live a world away has.

There is a payback for putting up with this stuff, and it is the sympathy of others, among other things. I am sorry to say I have little sympathy left for people who will not help themselves, and who repeat the same behavior in hopes that some miraculous "other outcome" will happen. It won't. And while I am sorry for your circumstances, I am even more sorry a child is exposed to this, because you are TEACHING that child about life, and sorrier still that you won't do anything about these circumstances. Please get help from a GOOD professional, a therapist who will not simply listen to this over and over, but who will shake your world so hard that old habits fall away.

You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm

"easiest way to live around vengeful parent lashing out?"

Is to not live with her. You have to be very strong mentally to live with a Narcissist. Me, I am not that strong so would not have done it. If everyone knows how Mom is and most don't like her, why are you the sacrificial lamb? I guess you just "grey rock" her as much as possible. Tell her "if thats the way you feel" and go on ur merry way. Get out as much as possible. Make a joke out of what she says. When she puts you down, say "must be nice to be perfect". Maybe just laugh and walk away. Don't let her see she has gotten to you. Thats what they want, to get a rise out of you. My Dad was a button pusher. Its now she needs you more than u need her and somehow you need to get across to her that. Maybe ask her "Mom, would you like to go to an AL/LTC facility? Of course she will say no. "Well thats what is going to happen if you don't stop what ur doing. Because I can leave and when I do, I will be calling APS on a vulnerable adult and they will come and place u in any NH they see fit. I will allow the State to become your guardian and they will be making decisions for your care. I will be out of the picture." Then walk away and let her scream and holler. But it will give her something to think about. Be only around her when u need to be and then just do what u must and leave.

If your Mom has no Dementia, do you need to be there all the time? I have a friend who owned a business and his wife died. They had her MIL. He would get her ready in the morning, brrakfast then sit her in her recliner with water, snacks and her remote next to her. Then he would go to work. Come back at lunch, feed her and do what was needed and then back to work. Home for dinner and the night. It worked for them. Could you do something like that?

Trials, I would tell my parents that I bet they wished they raised me better when they would start judging me and bringing up everything they thought I did wrong, which usually centered around NOT being a doormat for them.

I think I would tell her that she can keep her ugly to herself or you are walking away and she will become a Ward of the state. Period, end of discussion and walk out, leaving her for a couple hours to think about it, every single time.

If she persists then follow through and reclaim your own life. Anyone that criticized me would be told that they are hipocrites and MORE then welcome to go rescue her or shut up.

There is no excuse for abuse, EVER.

The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. It obviously is not working for you, yet you are the only one that can bring about the necessary change.

I have to ask this question for clarity: Has your Mom always been like this? Does she have a history of mental illness/personality disorder? Only asking because it muddies the waters of whether dementia is at play or not.

Who is her PoA? Is anyone?

Her PoA needs to be told that you are done with this caregiving arrangement and that you resign as of XX.

If no one is her PoA... is she living in your house? Or are you in hers? This matters as to what guidance is given to you.

For an immediate solution, try "extinguishing" the behavior by not responding to anything unworthy or negative. You can redirect the conversation by just asking her a totally unrelated question, or pointing out some unrelated (positive) thing, like: "Oh! Did you hear about the latest Lotto winner??" If she doesn't play along then literally walk out of the room. Don't respond or react, just remove yourself. If she follows you go somewhere she can't (your room, or your car, or outside, etc).

My Mom was always been a glass-half-empty person; pessimist, skeptical, fear-based (and honestly maybe a touch on the spectrum since her people skills were always weird). She is now 94 and these features have gotten worse, plus she's more stubborn, irrational and unempathetic. Makes having conversations with her draining. So, if I have to hang up on her I do; or walk out of her house, I do. This, plus redirecting, is as much as I can do. If you respond to her toxic negativity then YOU are the one giving her power. Stop doing that.

Now that my Mom's brain is more broken by the week, I don't hold anything against her, even things from the past. This helps me have peace in my heart so I can enjoy my life and function.

Move out and the hell with the rest of your dumb a** family and theur a** talking. If they can't support you when you need it most then they are not worth having in your life.