In the last 7 years I have been running interception on life threatening, close calls for my father (whom I love very much). I do not live in the home but it's been fortuitous that I have been there when they have occurred. As I am both my parent's primary caregiver.
He had another incident a few days ago and is currently in the hospital. I am realistic and I accept that we as mortals pass away from this earth. But I still cannot stop feeling personally responsible for keeping my father safe and alive. I can't stop feeling overwhelmed and sad that I cannot prevent not only his death but any pain and suffering he may experience before it.
Again, I understand the realities, but how do you feel appreciative and grateful for the time you have left instead of devastated over what you cannot control?
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"I am a single woman who is providing care to an elderly father (83) with a multiple heart conditions and a mother with severe neuropathy and early dementia."
Does your Father have a Advanced Healthcare Directive (aka Living Will, aka 5 Wishes)? I think this will take some of the second-guessing away as you make more and more of his healthcare decisions.
Does he have a DNR? If not, why not? This, too, would help both of you.
When my 94-yr old Mom (with spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis) is in pain and complaining, I steer the conversation to helping her count her blessings.
- that she doesn't have any other awful health problems, like cancer
- she still is semi-independent in her own home
- she still drives
- she lives near her grandsons (and great-grandkids) who adore her and call/visit her
etc.
Your parents may not have any of the above but at the minimum they have an awesome daughter who cares deeply about them and is giving her all to help. MANY elders don't even have this. Your parents do have blessings to be counted, so think on this with them. Suffering cannot always be prevented but that's what morphine is for -- at least there is this solution, like it or not.
Many have not lived as long as our parents. Many have suffered much even before becoming elderly. No one gets out of here alive and we have to accept this reality for everyone. May you gain peace in your heart on this journey!