How do you handle interference from other family members?

To be completely blunt and honest, I'm the type of person that puts up with very little in this area. I tend to deploy the old "shut'her down" tactic. I had family members give opinions here and there based on my situation, and that's fine, but once the "You shoulds" creep into the conversation, the shades go down and communication gets sifted through sporadic texts/emails and the like. My sibs and I have a pact in this regard.

FB, make sure you distinguish in your own mind the difference between a Living Will and a Will.

Your abusive father has no doubt convinced his relatives that you are an idiot, which is clearly how he views you.

However, you know the truth. Keep that truth--that you are competent, compassionate and mindful of your own health and financial future in the forefront.

Yes, dad has needs. And HE is going to need to pay to have them taken care of.

Your question got bumped up, and I reread your comment about your difficult father: “I do know he has a living will and I’m the beneficiary of the house and contents”. I wrote back about the difference between living will and a will, and the problem of relying on a will, but I had another really nasty thought.

A ‘living will’ gives directions for your own care while you are living but are not able to give instructions. A living will CANNOT leave it to you after he dies.

If your father did refer accurately to something as a ‘living will’, it is quite possibly a direction that you should live in his house and care for him until he dies. It won’t bind you, but it might affect the way you think about the future.

Advice to non caregiving siblings -Don’t be another “slacker sibling” who can’t deal with the sibling that made the real sacrifice to become your senior parents caregiver. They made a difficult choice. Comments about “healthier boundaries” and “playing the victim” are nothing more than justification for your self-centered guilt that the good folks on this forum are far too familiar with. You’re preaching to the wrong choir.

I have a bossy older sister like this.

Your response should be the same as mine which is to tell her that she is free to take over the care anytime she wants to. My sister actually started paying for a maid to come. It is a passive aggressive gesture but at least she put her money where her mouth is.

Tell your siblings they can take on more of the burden or else butt out.

We politely thank our nosy cousin for their information. In the past, we invited them to then deal with whatever they thought needed to be done. Of course they backed off as soon as we did that. Then we assess if we think the information has merit. If so, we look into it. Most of the time we just ignore it and keep doing what we know is right. After a few times of refusing to be drawn into drama, we get much less interference.

It might be a good idea to move closer to your daughter right away. I’m sure you and daughter can think up some good reason. Then let all the friends, relations and neighbors know that you are relying on them to provide all the care that Dad needs. Be your own ‘flying monkey’!

As stated earlier a “living will’ is about medical care. It can’t make you ‘the beneficiary of the house and contents’. Even if he has a normal will leaving you the house and contents, it can be changed – and quite possibly will be if you stand up to him. You may need to make a choice between your own life and getting dropped by him and all the friends and relations who stand by him. Never depend on a will, if the testator is still legally competent to change it! Or if the assets could disappear to Medicaid.

FB, this Aunt is what is called a "flying monkey"--a person who the narcissist gets to try to corral the victim into feeling guilty that they're not doing enough.

Trying laughing at her. It can be a pretty effective technique. "Why on earth do you think I should be doing that, when he treats me like dirt? He can either hire outside help or hire me, and treat me with respect."

She will sputter about "honoring your father" and you should tell her that "the Bible says parents shouldn't provoke their children. Also that you shouldn't make garments of linen and wool, and that you shouldn't sow two kinds of seeds in the same field. Lots of interesting stuff in that book."

I absolutely feel your pain. Going through that myself. I look young for my age, so my aunt (mom's younger sister) thinks she can push back on me (i.e., she thinks she knows what's best, but she hasn't got a clue). For her, it's about telling family that my mom's failing and I'm not handling things right. I've also got a special needs brother in the hospital and that's on my plate. My mom is in post-hospital rehab and my brother is about to go there.

Stand your ground. Now, I've ignored some of my aunt's phone calls, because I don't have the time with what I mentioned above, plus a full-time job. But when faced with the aunt or my mom's nosy neighbors, I tell them it's under control and I'll reach out if there's any news to share to the family. I'm also being very selective on what I share. If your family member doesn't want to divide up the tasks for caring for your dad, they can stand down. Being friendly but firm will work. I know it may take a little time for them to take the hint, but they will. Hang in there. You've got this!

Why would you mover CLOSER to this inconsiderate person?

Why is it your job to "do" for him?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/have-you-noticed-a-change-in-yourself-since-being-a-caregiver-482970.htm

This post is from August. I think you have seen the light. Time to do what you want to do because its time for Dad to be in care. If you agree with me that moving near daughter would be a good thing, time to do it. That is really the only way Dad will get the help he needs. He has his sisters, so not leaving him high and dry.

A living will is a medical directive. It's different from a Will that would make you a beneficiary of his estate including the house. You'd better find out if there actually is a Will that leaves you anything. POA is different from these two things.

Taking care of him without POA is not a good idea. As dad gets sicker and can't speak for himself, if you're not in charge of his finances, business, etc. you could end up still caregiving him but with no power to pay for things that he needs, such as food, equipment, bill paying and so on. POA gives you the power to do these things using his money.

Wake up! You're being pressured to do more for him, you shouldn't have to pay for any of his upkeep or bills, and if you haven't seen his CURRENT Will, you have no idea how this will turn out. If you're hanging on only to inherit the house, you may be sadly disappointed.

This is from your first post from May 2023

"Thank you for this..especially when you said don't do what makes you shudder and suffer. I'm visiting my daughter now and I dread going back home because I'm so unhappy there. I don't think he looks at me as a person with my own wants and needs. When I had Covid last year, he kept asking when I was going to come and get his clothes to wash. He seems to sympathize with everyone except me. I admit that I feel guilty for not just moving in with him but on the other hand I know it probably drive me to the edge. I'm doing the best I can. I also think ( Lord forgive me if I'm wrong) that he has been saying negative things about me to his sisters because their attitudes have changed towards me. I was never close to them anyway but I can tell the difference."

So now I am sure this family member is a sister and Dads negativity towards you has influenced her. You know what I would do? I would move to live closer to your daughter. She should be #1 in your life. If she has a family, a better reason to move. I would make the plans, sell your home if you have one. When your ready to move, you do all Dads laundry. Clean the house. Make sure his pantry and frig are full. Leave him the number for Office of Aging, the Senior bus and any other resources he needs, maybe Drs phone #s. Then call the Aunts and say "he is all yours", hop in your car and leave.

I will bet u his sisters will not put up with his stuff. I will bet he will be hiring people to do what you did because his sisters will not do it. And if he does not do things for himself, APS will need to take over especially if he never assigned a POA. And if a sister holds POA, he will be in care. And please have no guilt about this. Dad has made his own bed by treating you as his slave and not the daughter ur. He does not deserve u and you do not deserve his abuse. You know honoring goes both ways. Forgiving him does not mean you continue to be abused. As long as ur there doing for him, no options will be found. You owe this man nothing! Please, please realize this.

Tell her you appreciate her help and if she would like to pay for these things, she is welcome to take care of it. Or just tell her to mind her own business.

Who is the family member? You can take the list, say TU,smile and ignore or you can turn the tables on her. "I have no idea why you are giving me these lists. I have no authority to have this work done or the time to do it myself. I already do as much as I can for him. I have no idea what Dads finances are but I think he can afford those "fix ups". So you need to talk to him, if he agrees, you can call in the people to do the work and have Dad pay the bill. With my job and my own home, I do enough for a man who abused my Mom and me." Hand the list back to the person and walk away.

Do you still do all you say in ur profile? If so, Dad needs to hire a housekeeper. And if some of the things on the list the housekeeper can do, then it should be done by her. Otherwise, Dad hires someone. You do not use your own money or your time.

Without POA you have no tool to help Dad when needed. I would not want it for a person like this anyway. When the time comes you feel he needs to be placed, then call APS for a vulnerable adult. Explain he does not trust u to give u POA. And because of childhood abuse you do not want it. You have no idea if he has assigned anyone. All you know is his care is more than you can take on.

I would say that this family member has been influenced by the way Dad looks at you. You need to tell them that you don't appreciate the condescending attitude toward you. You are now a Senior and have held down a job and seem to manage your life pretty well with no help from anyone not even Dad.

Tell this family member that's a great list and now she needs to get started on taking care of all the things she wrote down that need to be done.

I skimmed through your previous posts and have some questions.

What's the plan as your father needs more help? Is the plan that you will be guilted into quitting your job and then going to live with him? Actually, you have written that it is HIS plan. Although you have stated you do not want that and will not do that, what is your plan?

You mention he might eventually need AL. Does he have the financial ability to pay for AL? Are you his POA/HCPOA? Are you the executor of his will? The sole beneficiary of his estate?

Why isn't he hiring outside help for what you do for him now?

How about a response like this: “Thank you for your list. I’m not quite sure why you are giving it to me. Is it a list of things that you want to take responsibility for doing or arranging to be done? I’m sure that you don’t mean to appear to be giving me instructions. I have my hands full already, and I would be delighted if you really are intending to help yourself. I am planning to go back to work full time, as his care has had an impact on my finances, and it would be particularly helpful if you could cope with medical appointments. Please let me know."

See how you go. I am suppressing saying "Kick em where it hurts".