How do I respond to elderly mother's guilt tactics?

My mother accused me of being selfish because I married and had kids and opted to stay in my own house instead of moving into hers. I was fortunate that she wrote a suicide note (instead of verbal threats she would later deny) before her last attempt. I called for EMS. The police came too. That’s what started the process to get her in care. (she lived in the house next door)

It was both one of the best and one of worst days of my life.

You are not responsible for her choices.
You are not the solution to her problems.
You are not alive to support and enable her.
You did not cause her to age.
You did not cause her decline in energy or abilities.
You do not have any reason to feel guilty.

So mother chooses to move 3.5 hours away and then demands you cater to her every need? Nice try mom. The nonsense ends today!

Tell her to let the Golden Boy son do it all for her, and to lay the ridiculous guilt trips on the one who does the money grubbing! And tell her to please transfer POA to him bc you are resigning your post.

You have no more PTO to help her out, "unfortunately", so what's YOUR plan mom? And what's your plan for the future since I will NOT ever be moving in with you?

Hang up the phone the next time the guilt tripping starts, and tell her why you're hanging up. Do it every single time without fail.

You deserve to be treated with the same respect sonny boy is being treated with. Demand it.

"I do take my PTO to drive 3.5 hrs to take her to major medical apts another hour away and 3.5 hrs home. It's a minimum of two days PTO."

Stop doing this. Your mother made her choice and now she will have to live with said choice. It is not your responsibility to take 2 days off to take her to these appointments. Does that sound harsh? Maybe, but your mother doesn't get to call the shots here. She wants to do what she wants to do and that does not mean you jump when she calls. Obviously she can hire someone to go to these appointments and that is what she needs to do from this point forward.

And whatever you do, please do not move into her home and do not move her into your home.

"She guilts me by saying that she took care of me as a child and young adult so now I should take care of her."

Here's the thing about this when you were a child and a young adult you had to listen to what your mother said. She made rules and you had to follow them. If back then your parents had said we're moving then you would have had to move with them. You had no choice or say so in the matter.

Tell your mother if she would like you to treat her like the child you once were then you are more than happy to accommodate her with doing so. That means she will need to move close to you and you get to make ALL the rules and she has to comply with said rules, just like a child.

If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, she needs to stop bringing it up about caring for you when you were a child because it holds no weight with you about the game she is trying to play to get her way and ruin your life and financial future in the process.

And to add: Parents are supposed to take care of and love and nurture their children. It's their freaking job and no you don't get credit for being a decent human being to your own children. There are no special accolades for a parent actually doing what they are supposed to do. Children don't owe their parents anything for that.

Sure there are crappy parents who don't even do that for their children but those people are mentally defective humans who should be forcibly sterilized so they can never bring another child into the world to neglect and abuse.

How does a fish not get caught?
They don't take the bait!

I can’t stand the sense of entitlement. You didn’t ask to be born. You weren’t put on this earth to be her servant later.

Best reply I can think of: “Mom, I will never move to live with you.” Repeat anytime she brings it up. She can ask all she wants; answer is always NO.

Here's how you respond to your elderly mother's guilt tactics.

IGNORE HER.

Please remember that you didn't ask to be born. Two people (your parents) decided to get down and make a family. You did not decide that for them.

Your mother doesn't get any points for taking HER responsibility and parenting her own children. Sorry, but no one gets a prize for doing what the law requires of them when they have kids.

Bottom line. If she is unwilling to move closer to you (not IN with you) then there's no way you can be of any help to her. So all the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) she is using to manipulate you into becoming her care slave has to be ignored.

Stay strong, my friend and don't let her take your life over.

My mother pulled this exact crap for a long time and still attempts at it now. She almost destroyed me with it. I stayed strong and set boundaries that I will not allow to be crossed for ANY reason.
You need to do the same.

So let's recap.

Mom either moves to a senior community in your area where you can see her more or she's on her own where she is and paid caregivers will do for her.

Make your language very plain to her about it. That either the guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and manipulation nonsense stops or your relationship with her will be over.

What I told my own mother that I will not be her caregiver. That either she drops the guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and manipulation or our relationship would be over.

I was a homecare worker for 25 years. In my long experience I find that many times everyone is better off when family does not do the caregiving for family.

Stay strong and don't let your mother manipulate you into giving up your life to caregiving slavery. Good luck.

No one can make you feel guilty unless you allow them to.

It's very sad that your mother is so self-centered and unable to see you as a separate adult human being with the need to support herself.

If your mother refuses to move, then it's on HER to make other arrangements for her own care.

It sounds like a nice Assisted Living place in your city would be a good option.

Don’t take time off from work . Tell your mother to hire someone to take her to all her appointments . Your mother is making the choice to remain living where she is. She has to deal with what that entails .

As far as the guilt trips . “ Sorry Mom I have to work”. You should not upend your life . You should not be the one to move from where you live.

I think living 3.5 hours away from your mother may be a good thing for you at least for now . It helps maintain boundaries .

Do not move in with her or have her live with you . She is the type that will want you to be obedient and do what she wants when she wants . Maybe when she needs more help , assisted living near you would be an option .

Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause any of this.
Therefore, you aren't RESPONSIBLE for any of this.
Therefore guilt is off the table.
Change out the word for "grief". You are grieving that your Mom is unhappy (and likely always was). You are grieving that Mom refuses to ease thing for BOTH herself and for you. You are grieving that Mom is unhappy and experiencing losses and has so many limitations that she chooses (as per usual) not to own her decisions but to blame others.

As to what you say to Mom herself, try to meet her (likely lifelong) criticisms with humor, because they aren't going to change. For instance:
MOM: "You will regret it when I am gone and you have to live with never caring about me enough to come take care of me in my last time on earth"
YOU: "I sure WILL, Mom. But I have such a long list of things I am sorry for I can't know where it will fall on the list".

MOM: "You better get a PTO off because I NEED you to come and do this or that".
YOU: "Sorry, Mom. My boss is as unhappy with ME as you are. Gotta keep him/her happy because I gotta eat".

MOM: "I wish I had a daughter who cared enough to take care of me"
YOU: "I wish I had a Mom who lived next door to me so I could see her sweet, smiling face every single moment!"

There's a way. She's who she is. She has her limitations. She has trained you up to serve. You are still attempting to do it. I am VERY THANKFUL that this woman lives so far from you as she does, to tell the truth. Because her slave-whip can't reach you as easily. Were she with you you would truly be in the eye of one awful storm.

Don't worry. Mom's isn't happy. That's her norm. She's comfortable there. If you need help for yourself get a good and understanding therapist. But STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

I’ve read through the further information you’ve kindly provided. You must realize there’s simply no winning for you in this. Mom has consistently chosen your brother and seems she always will. Meanwhile, you’re working hard, burning all your time off on her, and hearing constant complaints for your efforts. Mom isn’t changing, only you can stop the madness. Please don’t listen even one more time to guilt inducing comments, they aren’t beneficial to either of you. “We’ve discussed this already, I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling more positive” and goodbye. Make the trips only when they’re good for you, not on her demands. Tell her there will be one POA for healthcare and financial decisions and she needs to amend what she’d chosen to pick only one of you. Getting out of that when she chooses brother will be a blessing to you. I wish you the best in reclaiming your peace and wellbeing