My in-laws moved in with us almost a year ago. I need help in managing privacy times and hygiene.

The answer to your problem is pretty simple.

MIL needs to be told plainly that either she starts meeting your hygiene requirements and puts the brakes on the bossy, entitled, demanding behavior or she gets moved the hell out of your house. Offer to have homecare aides come in to assist her with hygiene care, but she will be paying for them. Not you.

I think if you and especially your husband (he has to back you up) state what I just said to your MIL, she will clean up her act (literally) real quick.

Remind her that she always has a choice. Meet your demands or get moved to a nursing home.

It has probably reached a point where you (or someone) needs to be with her when she is in the bathroom. Changing her pull up disposably underwear and disposing of it properly.
AND she needs to be cleaned properly. If her clothing is soiled that needs to be changed as well.
A caregiver can be hired to do most of this. Use MIL- FIL's funds to pay for the caregiver. This should not be on you (your husband) to pay for their care.
By the way any cleaning that needs to be done to remove urine, urine odor should also be their responsibility to pay for that as well.
If you hire through an agency they will probably require that you have a nurse catheterize him. So you or a family member would still continue to do that.

To tell you the truth, both should be in a facility. I would say MIL is showing signs of Dementia since this seems to be new behaviour. I so hope with FIL, ur husband is handling the intimate part of his caring. I would not be caring for my father, let alone a FIL. I give you a lot of credit for taking this on.

Add on .

Do not use your own money to pay for in laws care . Use the in laws money . If they don’t have money start the Medicaid process as Geaton suggested below .

Perhaps your MIL could be more cooperative with your desires if you make things easier for her to do. If she sometimes uses a walker then she must have some balance or weakness issues; that together with vision impacts can make it difficult for her to do some basic things. For example, toileting. When my mother required a walker and started wearing disposable underwear because she could not always make it to the toliet, I reorganized the bathroom yo be more accommodating. The underwear was stacked in a cabinet that could be reached from her position sitting on the toilet as were the 2.5 gallon bags to put the used underwear and large cleaning wipes (kinda like bigger baby wipes) in and the trash can to thr ok w them away. She could walk to the toliet, use the grab bars to lower herself, use the toilet, change her underwear, clean herself, dispose of the underwear and wipes, and pull herself up. As long as Mom was able, she did her part to keep things clean and sweet smelling. It was harder for her when she needed to decide whether she would need clean underwear before she headed for the bathroom. Reorganizing so the things she needed were where she needed to use them helped a lot.

I also installed handrails on the walls of her bedroom and hallway to aid her (before the walker). Put several small items she kept on a bed side table in a plastic showbox she could move to her lap when she wanted something. Small things that allowed her to do things with as little energy required as possible.

OP states MIL has become very needy , bossy ……and insists upon being waited on .

Time to talk to your spouse about getting paid help in the home or looking for placement in a facility. This couple’s needs will only increase . At some point soon they will need 24/7 care which should not be you.

Your father-in-law certainly IS an issue. He can't walk! He needs medical attention. So let's admit that he's an issue.

MIL is a very big problem because she can't take care of herself. She can't see, can't use a toilet, can't follow directions and demands a lot of you.

The truth is that you're providing hands-on care for two elders who both need professional help at this time in their lives. You can't do it all for two people who are only going to get worse. They are way beyond what can be handled in your home by you.

What can you do? Keep them home and hire help. It's expensive, and one paid caregiver can't do all of it. Or find a facility where they are cared for by experienced professionals 24/7. That's what it comes down to.

I'm very sorry you've had to face this, and I hope you find a solution soon (meaning another solution, not you.).

It is honestly my opinion that we don't change others.

I don't know if there is any dementia involved for either parent, but having the responsibility for two such needy adults virtually turns your home into a nursing facility.

You may need an honest discussion with parents if they are mentally capable of that, telling them the truth that you have told us, that you cannot live with a home that smells of urine. That you have provided a method to help and if they are not capable of availing themselves of it they may need to move into a care facility where there is staff doing the cleaning and caregiving.

I hope others have some easy fix to this that I cannot imagine. But I think the future isn't looking good for what your life will be caring for two elders 24/7.

Welcome, Blondie!

It sounds like having MIL live with you is becoming too much caregiving for you to do.

Do you work outside the home?

How much care does your husband provide for his parents?

When the caregiving situation no longer works for one of the parties, it's time to make a new plan.

Are you their only caregiver?

Who is their PoA? Is anyone?

I am sure many responders who have been in your shoes will tell you that you will soon be overwhelmed and in danger of burnout. Managing private time is certainly important, but will be the least of your problems as your inlaws decline.

Your FIL may be a candidate for LTC, which is covered by Medicaid. You may want to be proactive and consult with a Medicaid Planner for your state to make sure you know what would be required for him to qualify, should you decide this is a solution for you and them. Your MIL may also be a LTC candidate in the near future. Needing LTC is something their doctor needs to assess them for. Just putting this in front of you so that you don't have to make decisions in a crisis.