How to get my mother to shower and wash her hair?

Suzieq69: She may require medication. Speak to the person handling your mother's care at the dementia ward of the nursing home.

Medication helped my family member. Maybe her skin is being rubbed too hard. You can also wash other parts of her body other times. As long as the perineal area is clean arms, legs etc can be done later.

Talk with doctor about anti-anxiety medication. She can be given medication about an hour before bath time to help her relax - and possibly enjoy the experience.

Is there a beauty shop at the facility? She might be agreeable to get her hair washed there. Once a month would probably be fine. The aides should just try to shower, not wash the hair at the same time. They should make sure that the water is warm. Otherwise, a sponge bath should be fine.

Shower wash caps work well. Along with sponge baths or adult wipes to wipe down. Used all three with elderly parents who could bo longer get in the bath tub. They never smelled

Showers often upset people with dementia. Naked, cold, water and possibly shampoo/soap in their eyes. Is it really necessary? Would a sponge bath or sits bath do just as well?

I agree it is the staff's job to know how to do this. You can talk to the admins to discuss. Maybe they have no idea their staff is inept or unwilling.

Ask about administering some calming medication on bath day.

I find it hard to believe that the CNA's at your mothers facility don't know how to deal with her, as I'm sure she's not the first one to give them a hard time and she won't be the last.
Perhaps your mother needs to be given some type of calming medicine before her shower time, or they can just give her a bed bath in her bed. They can use the extra large body wipes for her body and the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps to wash her hair. Both can be ordered on Amazon or Walmart.com.
I know it can be very frightening for someone with a broken brain to take a shower, as there can be a fear of falling, the water hitting them, and more, but again the CNA's should have some type of training to deal with these fears so they can get their jobs done and their patients showered.
I hope they/you can get things figured out soon so your mother can once again get bathed in one way or another.

That's their job, not yours. Maybe a dose of Benadryl will calm her down.

Here's a helpful article from the Care Topics of this forum:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-help-with-bathing-and-personal-hygiene-top-tips-from-caregivers-212010.htm