So my mother in law did come to live with us briefly back in early July but it didn’t last and her son shipped her off to a specialty hospital after he saw how much work it was. Then we went on vacation and enjoyed the rest of the summer. Then my best friend was in a near fatal car accident in September in another state. She doesn’t have any family so I flew out to see her for a few days and my sister stayed at my home to help with the kids. When I was at the hospital, my husband called me to let me know he had to make a decision quickly about his mom’s placement and wanted to bring her home with us again but hire help this time instead of the nursing home. I told him absolutely not. We agreed she would be going into a nursing home after discharge. Now all of sudden, we are back to square one. I was so angry he would try this again when I was out of town. When I came back, we had a terrible argument and he told me I’m a horrible selfish wife and his mom is probably going to die in the nursing home because of me. Now my husband has stopped talking to me. Hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. Her siblings are mad at me. Nobody from his side of the family is speaking to me. I’m probably headed for a divorce soon just because I stood up for myself. I had a good cry about the other day. My life is a mess right now.
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As to "you are a horrible wife and person". EMBRACE it. Own it. Tell him "I never claimed to be a good person or a good wife; I am what I am and what I am NOT is a wife who will have your mother in this house. The day she walks in I will walk OUT."
No one can stand up for you. You will have to stand up for yourself. I am sorry to be that blunt about it, but that's the truth. As my Mom always told me "I am raising you to be strong, capable and independent because THAT is what the WORLD will require of you". I will be grateful to that kind woman till the day I die.
And YES, your MIL will be dying in the nursing home. Just let him know that's a fact, and encourage him to visit her often and hold her hand while she goes.
Thank you for the update. I know you will have read her often and know that you are far from alone in this.
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Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him. Plus, he's given you the power of God to say when his mother will pass! Ridiculous.
Best of luck to you.
I am always so surprised at how many people have extended family involved in giving their opinion. I never saw my parents consulting nieces and nephews on how they should be caring for their siblings. It wasn’t any of their business.
What in blazes is wrong with him?
Since you were blindsided, do you wish to attempt to salvage this? I know that if this happened to me, I’d want to know what brought about this unilateral decision and why, after deciding WITHOUT YOUR INPUT, to make it, he then did the180.
My mother lived a comfortable and pleasant 5 1/2 years in a fine local highly rated SNF. Then she died there, of course. And if he brings her into HIS home, she will die THERE.
Is it possible that a press of guilt has been gifted to him from other families? Guilt is a horrible, insidious enemy of logic.
When did you become selfish. It was obviously not while you were vacationing together. You say he “saw how much work” it was to have her live with you previously, but did he actually DO any of that hard work, or did most of it fall to you?
Did he express as you argued whether he’d thought about his children, and their needs?
It would certainly seem as though you do need sound legal advice, and counseling
for yourself if you would feel it would be helpful, and also for your your children .
I rarely say or feel this way, as painful as many of the stories shared here are, but I’m terribly disturbed by your heartbreaking post.
May you find peace and a solution that can offer you the comfort and consolation you deserve. And you DO deserve it.
I hate to break it to him but she is going to die sometime, somewhere anyway but it won't be "because" of you.
If his siblings are dead set against a Skilled Nursing facility maybe mom can move in with one of them and they can care for her.
I am wondering what happened that he "quickly" had to make a decision about mom's placement.
No facility would discharge her unless it was to a safe place that would be able to meet her needs.
If you are truly heading for a divorce make sure that you see a good lawyer and that you protect yourself and the kids. (just wondering where will your husband go with his mom?)
**Just saw the update that you are divorcing. PLEASE do not uproot the kids he should be the one to leave the house.
I said "You can certainly have mom llive here. But I won't be here, and guess what? I'm going to take you to the cleaners, financially."
That was the one and only threat. I had to stand up for me, b/c he wasn't thinking clearly. He never lifted a finger to help his own father, my father or mother. He hadn't even SEEN my mom in the 4 years prior to her passing, yet he saw nothing wrong with bringing his mother to our house for 'us' (read: ME) to care for.
Without question, I would have divorced him. I even saw a lawyer about it.
Some years later--she is in Home Hospice care and he has to do 3-5 shifts a week, caring for her. It has dropped him to his knees, mentally and spiritually.
I basically forced him to choose--and I was SO MAD at him, I don't think I did talk to him for a couple weeks.
IN the 'end' 6 years later and she's not great, but she's still alive and requiring massive amounts of attention and care. She won't allow outsiders to care for her.
Had she moved in with us--well, there would have been NO 'us'. That's just one boundary I would not move, not one iota.
I do hope you don't have to divorce over this, Your husband really needs help. His family is probably happy that he's thinking of doing this-don't count on them for any support. If THEY wanted mom with them, it would happen.
Hold fast. Be a little patient, but do not let her bring so much as a spare toothbrush to your house.
I love it when people who are completely invalid and basically have the independence level of a toddler refuse to "allow" anyone but family to do for them.
Do they really have a choice? I think not. If your husband like so many others "allows" the needy elder to still be in charge then that's a choice. People who do this choose to allow the needy elder to be in charge.
They don't have to.
Do NOT leave your home, make him leave. And whatever you do, don't leave your kids, he can claim you abandoned them and create hell for you to get your kids.
Time to take of the muzzle mama bear and protect your kids from the joke you bred with. He has proven how low he will go, stand up now and defend you and your children.
Prayers for you and your children. These situations are rotten to the core.