Mom doesn’t want to fight anymore. What can I do?

Please don't continue to beg and plead with your mother to fight to keep on living when she has no quality of life! You are hurting her by crying. I have stage 4 cancer at 66 and cannot talk to my husband or my 2 children about the realities of my terminal situation, they won't listen or allow me to say my peace. When the time comes for hospice, maybe then they'll allow me to talk turkey.

When life situations become too much to bear, its time to make a decision to take the next step in the journey of eternal life. I know how hard this is for you; I've lost both of my parents, dad to a brain tumor and mom to dementia. During the last year of her life, I prayed daily for God to come take mom. She had no quality of life left and she was ready to see her parents and siblings again, she spoke of that continuously.

You can't "fix" this situation for mom now, unfortunately. Speak to her PCP about a hospice referral. She may be readily accepted with her health history and the recent significant strokes.

Bless you as you strive for acceptance of a difficult situation.

You are not your mother's age nor have you suffered yet all she has suffered. She is tired now. She may well be done with all of it. And to be honest with you, as a nurse I had to listen to MANY MANY patients tell me that they could not share this truth with their families because their family would not let them. So they had to share their truth with ME, a total stranger. That is very sad.

Many people choose their final exit as stopping eating. When the MD understands that tube feedings won't be allowed and that it is time for help and medication for comfort care he or she will likely request hospice. And you should support your own mom in this request. My own father in his 90s told me he was utterly exhausted with life. He had had a good one and honestly very little illness, but he was tired and he was done. He was ready for, as he called it, the long Nap. Among the wonderful lifelong conversations I had with him some of the most beautiful occurred when we were totally honest at the end of his life.

Support and honor your mother and her wishes and DO listen to her; don't negate what she tells you. Let her know you love her and will never be ready for the loss of her, but that she taught you well and you will be OK and you will carry her with you EVERY SINGLE DAY you live, because quite honestly that is the truth.

You stand by your mom and honor her wishes, hard as it may be.
Your mom has been through a lot, as in A LOT with various health issues, can you really blame her for wanting to call it quits? I know that you don't want to lose your mom now, but is it really fair to want to keep her here in the poor shape she's in just to keep you happy? And does it really make you happy seeing your mom in the shape that she's in? I'm sure it doesn't.
So I would now bring hospice on board and let them keep your mom comfortable until she leaves this world for the next, and just be there for her.
We are all going to die one day, so why not let your mom die on her terms and not yours? To me that could be one of the greatest gifts you could give her.
May God bless you and keep you.

There is a time to push people up the hill. There is a time to walk slowly side by side. There is a time to let them sit & rest.

In his book “Being Mortal; Medicine and what matters in the end” Atul Gawande uses his own father’s experience as an example of when it is time to take stock of what makes life worth living.

It is difficult to stand-down as a caregiver even when we know that is the correct course and even when we know that is the choice of our loved one.

As a patient, we might think that surely we have the right to make the decisions or the choices of whether to continue treatment. We can have all the right paperwork in place, even have had the discussion with our loved ones and yet find ourselves back in an ER or the hospital due to the fear of our caregivers.

That’s what happened to Dr Gawande’s father. His father (a physician himself) had already experienced interventions that didn’t work and he knew he wanted to be at home on hospice. When his wife found him non responsive, she panicked and had him taken back to the hospital. Finding himself back in the hospital and in great pain, he insisted he be taken back home and readmitted to hospice. Not everyone is able to speak so clearly for themselves. Not everyone has family who will listen.

Please listen to your mom. Call hospice for an evaluation. Sometimes hospice patients actually improve. Think about how she can enjoy the time she has left living rather than drawing out the time she spends dying.

I recommend you support your mother with her decision. This is about her, her fatigue of having to struggle her entire life. If a person has had enough, she's had enough.

I can't imagine how hard this situation is for you. This is the greatest and kindest thing you can do for her--and the hardest thing for you--to assist her in this final journey.

Get her doctor to place her on hospice now. This way she and you both can have invaluable support. I am sorry, LostandSad.

When Daddy was 'done' with this life, he simply requested Hospice and the family had one meeting where we learned about it, and honestly? that was my first brush with Hospice.

Being able to watch Daddy control the last months of his life according to his own choice was quite beautiful. We never argued with him about his choice. He had suffered so long and so profoundly from Parkinson's--getting to go 'home' was a blessing to him.

Of the 6 of us kids, 3 of us opted to help mother with the caregiving while Daddy was actively dying. She needed breaks and when we were there, she could have them. Also, I know my time with dad was very quality and remains to this day one of the most spiritual things I got to experience.

Daddy wanted NO intervention in his process, All he got was Morphine and Valium. It kept him out of pain and calm.

As far as refusing food--dad would choke on anything that wasn't plain liquid, and at the very end, even that didn't work.

My dad was DONE. He had lived a wonderful life and in then when he had endured all he could--he opted 'out'.

In my case (as it is with many people) being a believer in an afterlife and the reuniting of our families for eternity--well, having daddy simply walk through the door that separates this life from the next made it easier to accept.

His wishes were met and respected. Only my YS fell apart, but she had reason to know that daddy loved her, but was not really happy about some life choices she had made. His passing was very, very hard on her.

It IS hard to accept that a LO wants to be 'gone'. But why would you want them to hang in there, sick and miserable and holding family hostage to their care when the option to go with dignity is there.

Let your mom have this. Give her support and love and let this be a time of peace, not anger or argument.

I know it’s hard and sad , but , Mom says “ I’m done “ . Please listen .
Don’t make her feel she has to fight or pretend for you . Let her be able to be honest .

This is not about you. I am 74 and cannot imagine having health problems most of my life. At 74 I was so glad when my PCP told me no more pap smears. I won't have to have another colonoscopy. Mammograms 2 yrs now. I do go once a year for my check up but...I do not like to go to doctors. So if I was your Mom with all her problems, I would be tired of it all to. I would want to rest. Not have one more person touch me. No more poking and prodding.

Take Mom home. Get her pallitive care or Hospice. Let her have peace while she is here.

Everything AlvaDeer said, 100%!