My dad wants to go home. I keep telling him he can't take care of himself, but he insists he can.
I was wondering if a list of what he needs to show me he can do before he goes home would help? I don't want to do it if it would be harmful, but when I tell him what he needs to do he insists he can.
I had to tell my mother this very thing last week. The saddest part is her mind is intact and I had to be blunt and give her the many reasons culminating with the fact her daughters cannot prop her up in her home any longer. She cried and was upset and it was upsetting for me as well.
She at least will spend her final years with my dad. They will not be discarded and forgotten by us. At least one of their daughters visits every day.
It was not well received but I just don’t care anymore. I’m done. We really tried to keep them both home for as long as possible. We kept hoping they would die in their sleep at home, but life played a cruel joke on my parents. They are living too long with no quality of life any longer. Just quantity now.
Hothouse , So sorry . I’m sure it’s just as difficult to have been dealing with your mother’s stubbornness as it is dealing with a person with dementia who insists they want to stay at home and can’t be reasoned with . Either way , the burnt caregiver is held hostage until placement can be achieved .
"not knowing how to deal with him insisting that he can and blaming me".
Shift this blame. Pronto.
You did not cause him to get old. You did not cause him to fall. Tell him.
He can blame OLD AGE & rant at.. I dunno.. the sky. But he can ZIP IT & stop blaming you because it is NOT your fault.
Then you can move onto his team. I KNOW Dad, it's so unfair. I'd love you to go home too. Let's just make the best of it, eh?
Then distract, distract, distract.
He will hopefully get used to his new daily routine. Let's face it, NHs are not great BUT there may be a few activities or hopefully caring staff to chat to rather than a rehab/hospital with overworked nurses. He make make his new space his own, & hopefully gain some acceptance.
Me, I would say "When the doctor gives us a letter stating that it ok for you to go home and care for yourself, we will consider it"! It will never happen.
A list won't do a thing if he has dementia, in one brain cell out the other.
One of the keys should be to tell him you will not help him move or care for him after that.
I have two in a facility, one my 98 yo mother in AL, the other my stepmother in MC. My mother loves where she is, the other one doesn't know where she is.
This is one of the things that you will have to work through, everyday there is something new, most likely soon he will forget all about going home.
He is now the child and you are the parent, look at it that way, you need to be firm, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Your father sounds just like my nearly 90 year old father in law , dementia , barely walks , very incontinent and ….also thinks he can take care of himself . They can’t .
We tell my father in law that the doctor says he is not well enough and he has to stay where the nurses are .
You’re trying to be nice and not get yelled at by your parent. It’s a difficult rock and hard place to be in. You’re doing the right thing. As a complete side, it’s also hard to watch your parent’s hard earned assets go to a facility.
The man is 96. What "should" the hard earned money be spent on if not good care in a nice, high quality MC? I spent nearly $400k of my parents money on precisely that. No inheritance for me, but it wasn't my hard earned money in the first place.
Becky, I would have a tough talk with the Social Worker and tell her/him to tell dad you AND they could go to jail if you agreed to this unsafe discharge.
Becky, remember, its our job as daughters and POAs for our parents to make those tough decisions FOR THEM that they are no longer mentally competent to make. Dad's already had 2 major bones broken at home, it's not working there.
My mom was segued into Memory Care Assisted Living after 4 years in regular AL. She was furious, insisting she was fine and needed no help whatsoever. Meanwhile, she was wheelchair bound and insisting I was hiding her mother in the closet at the memory care. Her mother would've been 137 years old.
With dementia at play, pt is very difficult bc they are not motivated to exercise or do the hard work required to get walking again. Mom sure wasn't.
She stayed in Memory Care and passed with hospice at 95 years old, peacefully, in Feb of 22. I have no regrets for keeping her there, where she was well cared for, in spite of her wanting to come live with me. It wouldn't have been possible.
I see below that Lealonnie says your dad suffers from dementia and is in ALF. Along with mobility problems he suffers from incontinence.
So let me ask you why you can imagine that your father might be well enough to take care of himself in a home living situation, Becky? And why you believe he is capable of making lists or agreeing to lists? I don't understand.
The best way to distract someone with dementia is to put it all on someone else. Such as "Oh, I wish you could go home, also, Dad, but the doctor says not yet".
He is in a memory care/assisted living facility. We tried as long as we could to keep him in his house with 24/7 care, but he recently broke his femur and is too much for one person. The money for the care has run out and we need to sell his house to pay for the facility he is in. It is a nice one.
He broke his hip in the spring, and can't live on his own. We had 24/7 care for him so he could stay at home, then he fell and broke his femur. We continued the care for him at rehab, but he has run out of money. He is in a memory care/assisted living and we need to sell his house to pay for that.
Your father is 96 with Alzheimer's/dementia.....and wants to go home ....from where? Your profile says he lives in Assisted Living. Is that where he wants to go home from?
I'd say absolutely not based on the dementia alone. Then throw in incontinence and the fact he's 96, it's a surefire recipe for disaster to send him home to live independently. You'd have to hire an aide to do everything for him 24/7. When dementia is at play, they insist they're FINE and need no help at all when we all know that to be untrue.
Get his doctor involved to tell him it's out of the question. That's what I'd do if it were my father.
If you give him a list and he demonstrates that he can't do some or all of the things, how does that help? How would you enforce his not going home?
You don't state what is wrong with him or his age, but if it's dementia, he won't remember that he couldn't do the things, or he won't do them at all, or he won't understand the reasoning behind why you want him to do them.
In dementia, the patient often insists that he can do things. Or that he has done things. Or doesn't need to do the things.
If he wants to go home with you, don't fall for that maneuver. Many have, and many have regretted it. Wherever he is, he's probably being cared for by professionals. Thank your lucky stars and hope he can stay there!
Yes, I am glad we found the facility where he is at. He has major mobility issues with the dementia, but he is very aware of what kind of place he is in. He isn't aware of his limitations at all.
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She at least will spend her final years with my dad. They will not be discarded and forgotten by us. At least one of their daughters visits every day.
It was not well received but I just don’t care anymore. I’m done. We really tried to keep them both home for as long as possible. We kept hoping they would die in their sleep at home, but life played a cruel joke on my parents. They are living too long with no quality of life any longer. Just quantity now.
So sorry . I’m sure it’s just as difficult to have been dealing with your mother’s stubbornness as it is dealing with a person with dementia who insists they want to stay at home and can’t be reasoned with . Either way , the burnt caregiver is held hostage until placement can be achieved .
Shift this blame. Pronto.
You did not cause him to get old.
You did not cause him to fall.
Tell him.
He can blame OLD AGE & rant at.. I dunno.. the sky. But he can ZIP IT & stop blaming you because it is NOT your fault.
Then you can move onto his team.
I KNOW Dad, it's so unfair. I'd love you to go home too. Let's just make the best of it, eh?
Then distract, distract, distract.
He will hopefully get used to his new daily routine.
Let's face it, NHs are not great BUT there may be a few activities or hopefully caring staff to chat to rather than a rehab/hospital with overworked nurses. He make make his new space his own, & hopefully gain some acceptance.
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A list won't do a thing if he has dementia, in one brain cell out the other.
One of the keys should be to tell him you will not help him move or care for him after that.
I have two in a facility, one my 98 yo mother in AL, the other my stepmother in MC. My mother loves where she is, the other one doesn't know where she is.
This is one of the things that you will have to work through, everyday there is something new, most likely soon he will forget all about going home.
He is now the child and you are the parent, look at it that way, you need to be firm, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sending support your way!
We tell my father in law that the doctor says he is not well enough and he has to stay where the nurses are .
I'm sorry your dad is angry. It will pass.
My mom was segued into Memory Care Assisted Living after 4 years in regular AL. She was furious, insisting she was fine and needed no help whatsoever. Meanwhile, she was wheelchair bound and insisting I was hiding her mother in the closet at the memory care. Her mother would've been 137 years old.
With dementia at play, pt is very difficult bc they are not motivated to exercise or do the hard work required to get walking again. Mom sure wasn't.
She stayed in Memory Care and passed with hospice at 95 years old, peacefully, in Feb of 22. I have no regrets for keeping her there, where she was well cared for, in spite of her wanting to come live with me. It wouldn't have been possible.
You can't reason with someone with dementia.
I see below that Lealonnie says your dad suffers from dementia and is in ALF. Along with mobility problems he suffers from incontinence.
So let me ask you why you can imagine that your father might be well enough to take care of himself in a home living situation, Becky? And why you believe he is capable of making lists or agreeing to lists?
I don't understand.
The best way to distract someone with dementia is to put it all on someone else. Such as "Oh, I wish you could go home, also, Dad, but the doctor says not yet".
Where is your dad right now? In a facility?
He wants to go home, yes?.
Can he move there by himself?
The fact that your dad wants something does not mean you have to enable that, or make it happen.
Consider saying "you need to talk to the doctor about this."
Or just leaving if he presses the subject. It's NOT your problem.
I'd say absolutely not based on the dementia alone. Then throw in incontinence and the fact he's 96, it's a surefire recipe for disaster to send him home to live independently. You'd have to hire an aide to do everything for him 24/7. When dementia is at play, they insist they're FINE and need no help at all when we all know that to be untrue.
Get his doctor involved to tell him it's out of the question. That's what I'd do if it were my father.
You don't state what is wrong with him or his age, but if it's dementia, he won't remember that he couldn't do the things, or he won't do them at all, or he won't understand the reasoning behind why you want him to do them.
In dementia, the patient often insists that he can do things. Or that he has done things. Or doesn't need to do the things.
If he wants to go home with you, don't fall for that maneuver. Many have, and many have regretted it. Wherever he is, he's probably being cared for by professionals. Thank your lucky stars and hope he can stay there!