Help dealing with hostile siblings.

I will respond to the "hostile sibling" part and commiserate. I also have a brother I looked up to since I was a kid, we got along great as adults, and the relationship was nearly destroyed in one phone call when he complained about my choices for her after I spent 10-plus years caregiving her and she was moved to hospice. Different situation from yours but the common factor--and I hear this a LOT--is my brother became hostile to me when he saw mom very ill. I am the youngest and, like you, a recovering people pleaser who when confronted will do about anything to make people less angry with me (working on that with Alanon.) And the saddest thing is I know he talked about it with his wife and kids as I felt the shift in their attitude towards me. It was very painful-- but I am learning to adapt to the fact that some of my family is not who I thought they were.
I do think I looked up to him too much from childhood and never adapted to who he was as an adult--a good but flawed person who never dealt with his childhood--and that was a mistake. This is who he is. I ascribed qualities to him that he didn't have and underestimated my own because of our childhood relationship. And I also underestimated the power of unresolved childhood experiences that adults play out when a parent is near the end of life. All these neuroses, if not dealt with, come out that were there all along.
All I can say is you are not alone, you definitely cannot control their unresolved issues with your mom (which they are taking out on you), and I hate to say it but...reality check from someone who is the main caregiver: Love for your mom can turn to indifference or hate over the long run as she becomes more needy and feeble, and you really may consider it a blessing they are taking on her care.
It is a long and exhausting slog to be POA and responsible (and harder when you are not nearby). You think you love someone unconditionally until...their care takes over your life and affects your own relationships and health. Speaking from experience...I loved going out to lunch with my mom...and now I cannot wait for her to die. It changes. That is why we are all here venting.
Just as much as you are hurt by them...I would suggest when possible acknowledging their pain, and thanking them for taking on her care, because you know it is very stressful. Partially, they may also be lashing out and angry because while they are taking on the brunt of her care--she is not acting as loving to them as she is to you. Even when someone is in a facility and high functioning, they are a lot of work. Being POA is a LOT of responsibility.
However--and I want to emphasize this--nothing justifies sending nasty and aggressive texts and this does show they are toxic in their behaviors and that will not change. It isabusive and not acceptable. It just shows you how "off" we can be about who are siblings are.
Take care of yourself. I know how painful it is for family stuff to be affected by dying parents. I told people it was like a divorce. My dream of the happy family was shattered. But that's life and I have learned from it how to not treat other people. Best of luck to you.

I am the hostile sibling. Tired doing it all. And then criticized for feeling emotional watching my dear mom fading away. No real help unless I spell it out in finite detail. SIL states she dislikes elderly people. No emotional support from family. Tired of an emotionally cold brother. So I said “SEE YA”.. best just doing it myself..no expectations, No added stress…..

Have you spoken to your mom about removing your brother as her POA? If he isn’t as close with your mother why did he want to take on this responsibility?

Are you willing to become her POA? Would you move her to a closer location to you and her friends when it is possible to do so?

So sorry for your pain. It hurts to see a parent suffer. I know that this is taking it’s toll on you.

Sorry your sibs are being such immature babies! Sure it's hurtful but I would write them off! Set boundaries and don't tolerate their crap. Life's too short to allow people to treat you poorly. They can say whatever they want - but you don't have to listen or care.

It sounds like a lot of what you take issue with is hearsay. And some of it is through conversations with your siblings.

For instance, how do you know this? : “They will visit to drop off groceries and take her to appts but they are frosty towards her (even yelled at her many times)”

I have family member bullies, to the extreme. I won’t explain the details, but if I would, it would be hard to believe: that’s how over the top it is.

My advice about your hostile siblings:
”I always looked up to him and was close to him and my SIL before this all happened with my mother.”

THIS.

This is their true nature. Believe it. And take it as a warning. You’ll probably see more of that bad behavior. What you saw before was their fake personality.

Contact your local and state agencies for the blind. They may very well supply services that your mom needs.

You are not alone. I thought I knew my brother before my father started needing help. I thought my brother was a smart, decent and caring person. Literally within a week of my father needing assistance my brother turned into a selfish, mean-spirited vindictive, stupid jerk. He doesn't work and is supported by his well off wife. I work full time. So just one week where he had to spend time helping my father was enough for him to change.

Thank goodness though he found an excellent assisted living place. Now my father is well taken care of, with the exception that I described in another post. My relationship is over with my brother. I felt bad about this thinking it might be partly me but I heard from others recently and they told me my brother is not the angel he represents himself to be. Very vindictive for anything he deems is a wrong done to him.

Get mom signed up to see the doctor who comes I to the AL, that's my advice. Since brother is POA and all the work involved w her care in AL is too burdensome for him, and mom is legally blind, have HER tell HIM that's what she wants to do. Makes life MUCH easier for her and for lazy POAs who figured they'd drop mom off in AL and wash their hands of everything. Ha. What a joke. Now he's pissed and it's your fault? Nice try bud. Ignore he and SIL completely, that's what I'd do. Hopefully once mom gets the in-house doc to be her PCP, things will settle down for her even more and calm will prevail for all.

Fwiw, moms generation put the men in charge of everything. In spite of knowing full well their lack of interest in caregiving or managing details of any kind. Quite pathetic, really.

Best of luck to you

Why did she let him make that decision? Why is he POA if you two are so close? If she is mentally sharp there is still time to change both of these situations.

Thank you so much for the responses. My brother is POA. My mother is still mentally sharp and is paying for her AL. However, she is legally blind so she needs help. I would love to have her move near me - as would they, as they apparently did not realize how much they would have to do for her - but understandably she said she cannot handle the stress of moving again. Maybe she will change her mind at a later date, but I do respect her wishes and will do the best I can from where I am. Fortunately she is starting to settle in where she is. They are just being immature jerks, which I never knew they were until this happened. :(

If mom is in assisted living, they usually have a car and driver to take residents to appointments. Mom should be using that. You could be on speaker phone with doctor and mom while she’s in the exam room. Also, video appointments are popular now. They’re easy. Mom participates from her home and doctor is his office. A full report of the visit is accessible on the patient portal to whomever mom grants access. There’s often no reason to disrupt everyone’s schedule now that we have these modern tools.

If Mom is of sound mind she can make her own decisions even if there is POA. Does that happen to be ur brother. Mom can revoke any POAs she has and assign a new one. If she has no POA, she should and it should be you. If Mom is not happy where she is, then move her closer to you and tell brother to pound sand.

Is Mom afraid if him? Why? If he has POA he has no power if it needs a doctor or more to declare her incompetent. If immediate, she still can make her own decisions till she can't. I would just move her closer to you. Dear brother has to know nothing about it till its done unless he is handling her money. Thats why if she is competent she should revoke his POA and assign you.

I would tell your brother and SIL to grow up. Mom favors no one, it all had to do with who lived closer and could do for her. They both are hurting Mom who does not deserve it. I personally don't like confrontation and in this instance I would probably just block them. But may first tell them to grow up. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way people think. I have found after 40 years married to my DH, his brother has become more like his B of a wife then her him. You will just have to ignore their comments. They will think what they think. You can't do anything about it. But u need to get Mom closer to you. Its not good for her to have arguments with ur brother. You know, she has a right to request they not be allowed to visit at all if all they are going to do is upset her. ALs are not prisons and ur brother is not her jailer even if he holds POA. It really is not a power over someone nor a control. Its a tool to help Mom. What she wants should be primary if competent.

I have a policy that I came to late in life: Do not respond in any way to bullying, harassment, or put-downs. Or untrue gossip about me to others. I don't have a relationship with family members who do any of these things. If friends do this to me, they're not my friends.

Unfortunately, it's been one of the hardest things EVER to maintain this attitude. And it does allow those who do it to keep on doing it, unfortunately. The vicious untruths that some have spread about me (such as I put my mother in a third-rate nursing home, which was not true because mom was kept at home with private duty caregivers around the clock for five years until she died, and everyone knew that; this was an attempt by Rude Aunt to disparage me when she knew for fact it wasn't true). I believe that such behavior speaks worse of these peoples' bad character than of mine.

I'd advice you to adopt some manner of this attitude toward these siblings who are giving you so much trouble. You're doing the best you can with your mom. Once she's gone, you won't have to have anything to do with these siblings if you don't want to. That might be a blessing!

Welcome Sun,

If you explore a bit in old posts here you will see that siblings at war is very common, and almost NEVER resolved; not that I have ever seen, anyway.

I am very sorry there is such division in your family.
It sounds to me as tho this has little to do with your Mom's recent move and whether or not she is happy about it (few of us ARE happy about moving into care; it's a very difficult adjustment.

I think that there is nothing so distressing to our elders as family division in elder care. It causes terrible dissention and very child-like behavior. It can cause parents great distress and it can also cause them to manipulate in much the way small children do when their PARENTS are divided. They may begin to "play one child off against another" to get their way.

I would keep all communication with your siblings to a minimum. When there are unpleasant and accusing communications, ignore them. Argument goes nowhere. When there are angry calls, excuse yourself politely "Doorbell!" "have to go to the bathroom" "Omg the stew is boiling over; gotta go". Any of that sort of thing works.

It takes two sides for argument. The rest is just all bluster.

As to moving your mother here there and all about, it's a bad idea. If her facility is good, stick with it. Don't add to things. Remember that the POA is in charge. Don't argue. Don't fight. Do your thing and allow them to do theirs.

There's never any answer for siblings at war. Not when they are snotty-nose babes, not when they are teens, and not when they are grown. As dear Dr. Laura says, not everything can be fixed, so just be polite and move on.

Who is POA? Is brother paying for AL? If she is of sound mind she can chose to live near brother or near you.
My experience: I had my daddy resign as trustee from his living trust. I told him I would take care of him and my siblings would get their share of what was left of any money or items. He did and I did. I then let my siblings know what was happening and told them A, B, C. I had one argument and that was that. My daddy was placed in a facility and later came home to spend his last days at home. I used his money to pay for the funeral and distributed the rest. I was not the eldest but I felt I was the one that did what he wanted and the majority of my siblings agreed. Sometimes you have to just bite the bullet and argue with the ones to argue with and do what your parents require. This sucks but put on that hard shell and do it.
As far as the appointment - what should brother care as long as the appointment gets done!

I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist so that you can identify appropriate boundaries and learn strategies to defend them. Your siblings/family aren't going to respect your boundaries if you yourself don't respect them. They can only run over you if you allow it. And, as Sendhelp advised, don't listen to/care about anything they say to you that is disrespectful and bullying. When you act scared and cave in, you're essentially training them to treat you that way. Once you stand up to them they'll back down.

Reschedule the appointment.

Do not listen to anything those people say.
It just does not matter, except to you.