My husband is in AL and he recently fell. He had a bruised ear, but is ok.

Honestly both of you are spending way too much time with him. Lunch every day does not allow for him to acclimate to his new surroundings and the camera thing is not necessary, what exactly is your son looking for?

Your son needs to reset his thinking, you are entitled to a life as well.

Time to dial back, if necessary, remove the camera as your son definitely is over the top.

Good Luck!

Thank you.

Your son is not allowing the aides to do their job and you are paying big time for the care. I am surprised the AL allows cameras. Tell your DS that you cared for his father until you couldn't. And how you spend your days is none of his business. Really, you spend too much time there, both of you. Your husband needs to get used to staff caring for him. He needs to eat his meals with other people besides u. Two times a day is a little much. Maybe Sunday dinner. You need to get on with ur life. Join friends for lunch. Go on some day trips. Let the staff do their jobs. Your DH has no conception of time. He probably does not know if you have been there all day or not at all. Their days run together. You probably spend all afternoon with him and he tells ur son that he has not seen u for days. If he has not gotten to this point, he will.

It's really easy, when you're not the primary CG to sit back and critique the care that the PCG is doing.

Give your son a solid week of taking 'care' of his dad, whatever that looks likes. (Impossible, that's how it looks--but he has to find that out on his own!)

I don't think your DH really qualifies for AL at this point. IF you are going to the AL every single for 6+ hrs, you basically have no breaks, just evenings and a little bit of time in the morning. AND your son thinks you should be watching the 'dad' channel the rest of the time?

All the AL is doing is providing your DH a place to sleep. They probably love it that THEY don't have to do anything!

However, if this is working for you and it's what you want to be doing for possibly years--keep it up. Your call.

Your son is kind to do all he does--I imagine he is single, I can't imagine a wife & kids putting up with this amount of time being given to a man who HAS all the things in place to help him live fairly independently.

I know change is really, really hard. But acc to your son, dad needs to be babysat 24/7 and you may as well have him home as the level of care the family provides is really beyond what any AL would expect.

Your call, and son should respect that.

Oh, and the fall? Old people fall. Having eyes on him via a monitor is not going to prevent falls. My friend who has been in a NH for almost a year (botched brain surgery left her with a lot of deficits)...fell out of her wheelchair and broke her hip. Probably 10 people within 'reaching' distance and she still fell, hard.

People fall. He fell once, he'll fall again.

Your son would benefit by speaking with the admin at the ALF. He has NO IDEA how common falls are in the elderly. There are any number of reasons for this, but the primary one is that the elder has very poor balance. I can attest to this at age 81. I have never weighed more (am 5'7" and 145), but I now, when standing on the bus, feel like a feather in the wind. And I had better hold ON in a moving bus whereas I used to be able to dance up those aisles. Our lower and mid brain just DOES THIS. Elders fall and it is a certainty. A given. Stepping backward over a mop or a rake used to be just "catching myself". Now the ground does the catching.

Falls happen. At most ALF no one even goes to the hospital unless face or head is hit. The person is checked over and on they go.

It's important to get what assistive devices are needed. That is to be decided by MD and PT. It's important that the correct level of care is there (ALF versus MC, and the staffing changes that occur with "moving on up").
After that, yes, there will be falls.

You will need to tell your son that he must do what he must do, but that there will now be falls, and the best thing to do is give a prayer out to god or the fates that there is no serious injury (for THAT, as well, is likely a given that is coming).

As an old RN and as an OLD PERSON, let me tell your son, falls WILL happen. Whether you see them occur or you don't, they are coming. Speak with the admin both to warn them of level of care and checking needed, and to get comfort from their reassurance. But falls will happen. It's just a part of it all now. And not everything can be fixed.

As to your son feeling resentful?
You can't "make him" anything. We cannot change others. Say your piece to him, and then he will have to feel what he feels. At some point you may need to tell him he has a right to his feelings but not a right to slather them all over YOU. You have enough of your own. Blunt honesty is sometimes the only answer. And, again, not everything can be fixed.

This watching their elders age is painful. It was for me watching my own folks. It was for me watching my brother. It is NOW for my children watching me. Worrying if I have "plans". Worrying what is coming for me, and hence for THEM. This is the price of loving. It must be paid.

Your son is like a helicopter parent, constantly hovering. What good does this do? Or rather, ask son what good he THINKS it does?

Let your husband make friends where he lives. Reclaim your life. Visit when you feel like it. Make each visit special. But don’t make his life your life.

If I were your husband, I’d resent being monitored 24/7.

If your husband needs that much supervision, then he doesn't belong in assisted living.

If this is merely your son's impression, then perhaps you need to point out that treating Dad like a child will keep him from settling into his living situation because he's enabling his helplessness.

Falls happen to everyone, and neither assisted living, eyeballs on cameras, nor 24/7 home care will prevent them. Your son isn't being realistic, and this is probably more about his inability to accept his dad's decline than anything else.