Should 92 year old MIL live alone?

No, MIL should not be living alone at 92 with her issues. Nor should dh be acting as her surrogate husband 6 months after her actual husband died. But that's a moot point. MIL belongs in Assisted Living and dh belongs back home with you.

Whether either of those things happen is the $64,000 question, isn't it?

Choose an assisted living facility near you, and it should have stepped-up care to a memory unit. The place will have the equipment she needs, such as handicap rails. Housekeeping is provided. Laundry service and transportation are provided. She'll have a chance to make friends in the same situation as she is, which is a whole lot better than her son for company.

FYI, this is almost certainly dementia, and whether there's a diagnosis or not doesn't really matter. You are observing the symptoms. It doesn't get better. Be ready for the next step, which could be wandering, setting the house on fire, or forgetting where the bathroom is. She shouldn't live alone, and she may not be capable of adjusting to the life changes you expect.

Her hearing problem needs to be addressed. Inability to hear contributes hugely to development of dementia because the neuron pathway from ears to brain begins to stop functioning. However, by waiting till this age to get hearing aids, she may not be able to understand how to use them and they may not do any good. You won't know until you try. I'll pass along what doctor said to my LO: "Get the best hearing aids that money can buy."

Absolutely NO on the in-home help. You have no idea how hard it is to get three shifts of caregivers who actually show up. And you'll need relief caregivers as well. Managing all of that is a full-time job, and no one is going to want to work in a cluttered house.

Good luck, and don't let her live with you. That shouldn't be an option.

She should not live alone and this could drag on for years... She is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Then as her age and health issues progress, there is additional care on site so her level of care can be increased. You could find a place near your home so your husband could visit her and check on her as often as he likes, but still have a married life with you. She would also have interaction with people and can attend social events, etc.

As mentioned in previous responses to your last posting, this all comes down to what your husband is willing to do and not do. He has to stand up to his mom and say I can't do this long distance caregiving any longer. I need you closer to my home to be able to help you.

I'm not so sure he is willing to do that since his parents took him in while he was undergoing treatment. Wasn't that the situation? I am trying to remember the details of your previous posting. This all comes back to your husband.

At 92 I know that you and hubby recognize that MIL is at her end of life. If she is competent in her own decision making you cannot force placement. You CAN call APS for wellness check on her and discuss with them any steps you might be able to take to oversee her in home care and passing versus an assessment that APS can help arrange to come to conclusions about competency.

For me, at 92, given the level of clutter and so on that Mom has lived in (apparently with your hubby THERE in it WITH HER for 6 months) I think I might do supportive care for her such as you CAN do, check on her, and allow her to pass in her own home. At some point, given the nature of things, push will come to shove with a fall. If she survives the fall, she will be hospitalized and placement can likely proceed from there.

The truth is that this is one of those situations where there simply is no perfect answer. Mom is competent enough to make decisions and is making BAD DECISIONS. Not a lot of this is in your control.

I'm 83 and I live alone. I am deaf these last 8 years. I think in home help for her would be nice as a day to day service. I'd say she is doing well for her age and hope I can do the same. I've checked out many assisted living facilities and I wouldn't want to loose my freedom. I have some clutter and have never used an ATM card either. I do drive but have transportation for some appointments. I am also physically disabled. I would like a companion to do some things with but not live in. Perhaps she would too. A helper is always nice as long as they don't move in. Some of us want to stay independent as we grow older. If she can do it let her but check up on her once a week. I have no one to do that. Your husband belongs with you so start interviewing some people. Just do it. I hope I have been of some help. Helen

Sounds like a lot of changes are needed in the very near future. Hubby needs to come home. MIL needs to either go to AL or have in home care. Simple as that. OK, maybe not so simple to do but the needs are there. I agree with others that she almost certainly has dementia.

MIL will not like this. That's uncomfortable for your hubby, but it's OK. He should not expect her to agree or be happy about these major changes. Getting old kind of sucks and can leave you with very limited choices. But the issue now is her safety. I think hubby should decide which option he thinks is best for her - home caregivers or AL. And then put a plan in action ASAP.

Some therapuetic fibs may be needed. She won't agree to anything so he may need to get creative in the explanations. I told my mom that the cleaning lady and caregivers were for ME. I did not want to do all the cleaning. I needed help. I needed caregivers here so I could go babysit my grandkids and was not comfortable leaving her alone. If he prefers AL, tell her the house needs to be fumigated or some other thing that makes it inhabitable and then she just never comes home. He needs to be firm and not back down when she whines and cries. She'll adjust and everyone (well maybe not her) will be happier in the long run.

LonelySpouse: Your husband needs to make his marriage his priority.

Assisted living near you so bith of you can visit as family not caretakers. More social activities and knowing you can be close to her….

It sounds like your MIL manages pretty well except for needing someone to take her to appointments and shop for her. There are both volunteer and paid services for those tasks. You have not said if she is depressed or functioning fairly normally and begging your husband to stay longer.

As far as cleaning and clutter, if the clutter is dangerous, maybe your husband can work on making it safer before he leaves. It might be good to have a cleaning service in place if she could stand it, but she might still resist.

Moving to a facility is not a good idea for everyone. Some people do not like to socialize even if it would be easy to do so. Consider her mental state and ability to live alone safely. If she is wallowing in grief, she might benefit from a Grief Support group, espeically and open-ended support group where people share their stories and help each other as theylern to move on with the next stage of their lives. There are many online if she does not want to attend one in person.

Personally, I feel no one in their 90s should be living alone.
However, this isn't 'the real world' as some do.
My client is now 104 and she still lives alone - although she has had support / caregivers for a few hours a day for years.

Of course (husband's mother) "she isn't "facing the life changes that occur when you lose a spouse." She is 92 and grieving - what 40, 50 ? years with her husband.
* She is bonded with her son / your husband. Period. There is no changing that.

* It is HIS decision whether to stay with her / his mother or return to you. It appears he has / is making his choice / decisions. Even though it hurts you and you feel frustrated with this situation. It is what it is. Are YOU facing life changes that occur? as you seem to expect this 92 year old woman to do?

I believe your stance or question / concern / objective is to get your husband back home with YOU. So you want to make an argument that "she can manage alone" and seeking support for that position - by asking us.
When the focus should / could be on the WHO.

The first question is: has MIL been tested for dementia? what is the MD diagnosis? This is important to know - for needed care (caregivers, move to a facility).
She can / your husband could set up caregivers easily enough. Even if she doesn't want them.

The issue (seems to be) that your husband is making a choice that you do not want nor like. You feel hurt and trying to hang on / strategize... but for what end ?
In you feeling lonely, hurt, and frustration, you may be pushing your husband away. Even if his mother could / can manage alone, you know your husband won't leave her.

While you may not be pushing your husband to 'come home,' I sense the best strategy is to have an open heart and support him and in his decisions. Let him know you are on 'his side' vs a tug of war with him in the middle of you and his mother. This, of course, will not be easy for you to do. THINK of the outcome that you want ... You would likely benefit from outside support - therapy - church - friends. Lean on others now and take off the stress(ors) off that you are putting on your husband to 'come home.'

Give him room and let him know you are there - supporting him and his decisions.' He is doing what he wants anyway. You will not change that. So support him so HE feels it. It has to be real. You may not 'get there' or be able to do that w/o therapy or professional support.

Gena / Touch Matters