Can an adult child be held liable for an elderly parent?

FB, you WILL stand up to those bullies this time

"No, Aunt/Uncle, I cannot quit my job to care for Father. I couldn't do it even if he were cooperative and appreciative, and he's not."

" He needs to be somewhere with people who can make him listen to what he needs to do to stay safe. That's not me."

"No, I do not owe him my life. That idea is laughable. I am the ONLY person who can take care of me. He has other options."

"I won't listen to this any longer. My being his caregiver is not on offer."

Send the discharge planners an email, text, fax or drop off a written letter "I cannot provide care for my father. He will not be safe at home because he will be alone, despite what he may tell you."

Also, since you are NOT his POA, you really have no authority here. Remember, if you decide to help find a rehab/NH for him, you don't sign ANYTHING. HE signs for himself. You are NOT the responsible party

Consider having the state take guardianship.

Helper vs Servitude

Sometimes someone kind-hearted, big-hearted has been trained to be the *helper* all their life. Be a good girl & do... what a great help you are.. it's not evil. Just being trained up to be useful. But.. the power imbalance of adult : child can sometimes be misused. A parent can assume their child is their servant. This is wrong - can slide into abuse.

So to step back, walk away, say no, can feel like a huge dent to that self-worth of being a helper/kind-hearted. Being *good*.

This can be all-or-nothing thinking.

I must help - or I am not good.
I must fix their problem - or I am not good.
I must do as they say - or I am not good.

Silly right?

What about respect instead?

Eg I respect it is your decision Dad.
To choose LTC, rehab, home with adequate services or home alone with none. You are free to decide - also free to change your mind.

However, you cannot decide for me. Cannot decide about my job, my time or what I will do.

A person can be very big-hearted, be proud of that, be respectful - but not a servant.

Bounce, I hear your compassion for Faithful in your posts.

Many of us here worked well with discharge planners because we had mentally well, non-abusive parents who understood that they needed to go to LTC, and discharge planners who understood without asking that none of the professionals ("the kids") in the meeting was going to be providing care. The question never arose.

FB has only recently returned to work. She has an abusive, entitled father who has already told family members that her job is temporary and that she will be quitting to provide him with care in his home. Her relatives are already piling on with the "you are obligated to do this" speeches, making her feel guilty, doubtful of her own stance and vulnerable.

Our fear is that she will agree to look at homes. And then be persuaded to become POA. And end up being called relentlessly by her abusive father to fix this, that and the other thing. And to take him home.

That's my worry. Which is why I'm thinking that backing off now might be a good idea.

Bounce, good catch! Thanks! Ok, the Dad is still in the hospital.

Actually imo this makes it easier for Beauty to disentangle herself from him, as the hospital has a discharge planner as a paid employee of the hospital. So their job is to find placement for patients about to be discharged. The go-to that is easiest will be to have him written up to be a post-hospitalization rehab discharge to a NH with a rehab sector as Medicare will pay for pretty much a guaranteed 20/21 days. The discharge planner then finds the NH unless family want to get involved. But this family does not want to be involved!

Beauty - your dad being sent to rehab at a NH is what you want to have happen. And you want the discharge planner to take the lead on this 100%. Let them find and do the placement. You stand back and do not give in to either Dads pleading or if the planner wants to give you this monkey to deal with cause “your family”. It’s the planners job and it's a pretty seamless as part of the overall hospitalization process. He has the insurance (Medicare) to totally pay the initial rehab time and has the big fat hospital chart that shows rehab is necessary. After the fist 20/21 Medicare covers @ 50% and his secondary health insurance more than likely covers the other 50%. There is little you need to do to make this happen or to get for him while he’s a rehab patient in a NH. He is very much under MD and therapist orders as per his discharge instructions. If he whines about stuff, it’s bs, so turn a deaf ear.

& when he fails to “progress” in his rehab sufficiently to continue the Medicare rehab billing, the NH will have to - HAVE TO - find a safe and secure way for him to leave. Again the NH has to find a way for him to leave as he’s there in a skilled nursing facility under Medicare and Medicare requires a safe and secure transport to a facility with “like” abilities. Which either means he moves from being a rehab patient to become a long term custodial care resident in this NH or another NH, OR, the NH finds a legit reasoning to call EMS to have him taken to the ED/ER of a hospital and then the NH will not take him back so he once again he becomes an placement issue for the hospital discharge planner.

personally if it were me, I’d make myself scarce while he is in the hospital these next 2 weeks and then also at the rehab. So they can see that the daughter is not coming around daily being super involved. And the times you do go make it clear, it’s just a brief visit and you are not - NOT - taking him into your home or back to his home. Use the mantra I posted about earlier & make it part of every convo you have with staff.

Also should the hospital tell you there are all sorts of IHHS in-home health services that dad can get. Forgetabtit as that is so not happening as all those type of community based programs are very limited to # of hrs AND require a family member to be there doing all the rest of the 24/7 oversight & care all the rest of the time. Don’t let anyone buffalo or guiltify, you on this.

FB, I wouldn't try to convince dad of anything at this point. Your job is to visit as a loving daughter, to the extent that his limitations allow that . (It doesn't appear that he knows how to appreciate women in any role other than servant).

The hospital should not send him home with intermittent care and if they do, dad will find himself back in the hospital again.

If he returns home, you will need to remind yourself that his "emergencies" are not YOUR emergencies belong to dad and 911.

Ignore the relatives. Look at a website called OUTOFTHEFOG.COM

Good luck!

FB, dad is at the point where "wants", "needs" and "resources" diverge.

If he had unlimited funds to hire round the clock caregiving, he could go home.

If he didn't need so much caregiving, he could go home.

But his NEEDS are driving the bus. Not him and not his wants.

@Tiredniece23, I'm a loss too but I will not be manipulated. I would never put my daughter in this situation. I have already told her that if I can no longer stay alone, that it is fine if I have to got Assisted Living or etc... just depends on what my needs are. She doesn’t like me to discuss that with her because she said she would not but I want her to know that it is OK if she has to.

FB, did you feel the power shift?

I can read it.
From Dad saying "go home" & expecting others to make that happen.. for YOU to make that happen.. to reality.

Dad says "go home".
Doctor looks to you.
You could have said yes I agree with Dad. Let's get him home. When can he leave?

But you didn't.
You accepted Dad *wants* to go home. But you kept practicalities front & centre.

*He wants*

He is free to want what he wants.

His wants are not commands for you to obey.

Feel it?

No. You are not responsible. If the doctors do not feel he is capable of going back home alone they will not allow him to do so. The hospital will ask you to take him and sometimes even sort of force the issue, but stand your ground if it is something you don’t wish to do. He will be assigned a social worker who will figure out an alternate solution which is likely a nursing home until you figure something else out.

Just an update.....
My dad told me that if his caseworker calls me to tell her that he wants to go home and not to skilled nursing care at the NH. I explained again why I disagree with this and I told him that he would have to tell her that. He then said, no.. that I'm in charge and I told him, no, I'm not. He will have to tell her he wants to go home because I do not agree and this will not be put all on me.