Any advice on the stress being the caregiver of a dementia patient has on a marriage?

I wouldn’t take care of any family member unless I had POA. I’ve done it in the past.

Without POA, I had no say in what was spent for caregiving or things needed by the patient or help around the house. Never again.

My husband brought MY mother in.

In 6 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress.

I went away for a week by myself.

When I was away, he researched Memory Care Assisted Living.

It was either that, or I would have been off to the looney bin. Not kidding.

Be strong. Insist on taking back your marriage and your home. Caregiving has to work for ALL INVOLVED.

We will cheer you on!

Start backing off from all the helping. Do you both work outside the home? Don't ever consider quitting your job to take care of HIS sister.

I feel every ounce of your pain.

My DH actually retired earlier than he wanted to b/c his sister had taken the care of his mother on 100% and was burned out.

Instead of stepping up and saying "Ok, we can't do this, mom needs to be moved to a SNF or the like"--he said "I'll retire and help out as much as necessary."

Didn't talk to me, didn't even put me in the equation! I was NOT on board, not then, not now. It has been horrible.

Family meetings are the 3 of them, DH, SIL and OB. Oh, and SIL's hubby. I have no voice, no say and no appreciation shown to me for holding down the fort for the past 10 months while I watch my DH get angrier and more snappish by the day. DH is showing signs of mental breakdown himself. Luckily he does get out and golfs a lot, but as far as spending time with me? Forget about it.

MIL is a PITA to care for. He complains incessantly about her, but does nothing to change the dynamic. He actually has POA and could legally have her moved to a NH. He never, ever would.

He, also, feels that he owes this to his YS, even though he doesn't think having MIL at home is a good plan.

I am also constantly told I am not supportive or helpful. But I also am not allowed to be either. Just shut up and go with the flow.

I recently toyed with the idea of leaving him--not to divorce, but just to get away from this dynamic that hangs like a cloud over us. Decided against it, as our home is large enough I can literally go all day long and not see or talk to him.

I no longer even ask him how his mom is, or what's going on. Maybe that's what you need to do, too. I've never influenced my DH to do anything positive concerning his parents. He does not 'hear' me.

You have every right to be as angry as you feel you need to be. At some point, you'll either accept it and figure out some way to live with it, or you'll leave, physically or mentally. I am leaving 'mentally'.

Hang in there...that's all I can say. Feeling hurt and betrayed and ignored--all normal feelings. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You sure aren't alone.

I have found that the 'silent' treatment is very helpful. I'm not mad, I'm simply quiet. That drives DH NUTS...but I can remain silent for hours on end and he can't be mad because I'm NOT doing anything to irritate him.

(I took care of 3 of my siblings, basically raised them from the ages of 4 to 17--I most assuredly don't feel like they owe me ANYTHING. Live good lives, be good people...that's all I wanted from them. Your DH has some misplaced sense of need to care for his sister. It's admirable, but untenable. It may come at the cost of his marriage. My DH would choose his mother's care over me, so the 'threat' of a divorce would just make things worse. I don't understand it. I'm sure you don't either.)

I can only wish you the best as you navigate this. His sister is likely to still have many years ahead of her. At least I think my MIL cannot last another year.

((Hugs)) you need them!!

This isn't a sister problem. It's a hubby problem. The two of you took in his sister not agreeing that it is the right and proper thing, and something you both wanted and agree upon.

My own brother got a diagnosis of Lewy's Dementia. There was a single moment when I said to myself "This is the best person you every knew and ever WILL know. If you were worth the powder to blow you to Hades you would move from Northern CA here to Southern CA and take care of your brother until he dies".

As I said, for one single moment.
It wasn't what he wanted or expected.
I would have been leaving my dear partner of 36 years, himself in advanced age.
And no, we would not have taken my brother in to live with us as I spent my loved career as an RN and I knew good and well I could NEVER do it 24/7, and would have absolutely NO RIGHT to put it on my partner.

We all make choices. To me your husband made a difficult choice and to me it seems poor decision making that may sacrifice the last solid and good years of your life on the funeral pyre of his sister. It would KILL me to think my daughter might do this to her marriage. She is nearing retirement and her hubby already retired. It would be--and she knows this--to my mind, obscene to do this.

I assume you discuss this with your husband. We cannot make decisions for you or for your marriage. That's in your hands. I think this, however, is an utter shame, and very sad. My heart goes out to you.

I always think a conversation like this should start with you giving an example of role reversal. What if my sibling needed care and I moved them in and changed our lives indefinitely without taking you and our relationship into consideration.
Wouldn't you feel slighted? Wouldn't you feel neglected? When does this end? What is the plan or have you just decided on your own that this is what the rest of our lives will be? I thought we made life changing decisions together as husband and wife...when did this end?

Some people just won't consider nursing homes for relatives who need them, but seem to have some need for the virtue of caring for them in their homes instead. My SIL and her husband took in her mother, and now they complain that they need time off and we are the default caretakers. I'm sure they resent that we don't share more of the load, but it was their decision--without consulting us--to take her into their home instead of a nursing home when she became unable to stay alone. I don't want to take care of her (she's never been my favorite person and is even less of a pleasure now), but have for several weeks at a time more than once so that they could go on vacations, etc. My husband doesn't enjoy having her here either, and is little to no help in caring for her when she is. I feel that this would not be necessary if she were in a facility, so since SIL created the situation that makes her need a break it should be her problem, not mine. The last time we kept her, I made my feelings known that she might even be happier in a home where she would have more social interaction and the part of her care that is true nursing (cleaning up bathroom accidents, etc.) are beyond what a family should need to do. I bragged on my own mom who has told me, "I love you far too much to ever want to live with you--and if I ever resist a nursing home, just ignore me and put me there anyway." My mom understands that a marriage is damaged when a third adult lives in the home--especially one who needs care and attention, so she is adamant in her desire to NOT do that to her children. I feel that SIL and husband somehow see themselves as superior and due great praise for their altruism even though all they do is complain about being tied down and the irritations of caring for her. SIL does provide excellent care, and BIL says he would never have agreed to have her there if he'd known she would live past 6 months, that his first waking thought is hoping she'll be dead in the morning, and that he's considered moving out...so he's on board to have her in a facility...but SIL won't budge. Since she is 96 yrs old, she won't likely stay in a nursing home many years, and I think it is affordable considering that. I know they think we aren't doing our fair share, but truthfully I don't feel guilty because they took all the decision making out of our hands when they took her in. So, I feel that dumping her on us when they want a break is really not fair, since SIL made the choice to not have her in a facility. If your husband made the decision without your input to take in his sister, you don't have to be a nurse. Hire someone to come in to do her physical caretaking, get meals on wheels, find a daycare for her for weekends, hire a housekeeper, etc., and make it clear that this isn't your problem or responsibility and that you are not available to be a caretaker. Just having that extra person in your home is uncomfortable and is detrimental to your marriage, and he needs to know that. Perhaps the expense of hiring help will sway him? But, don't blame other relatives for not doing it if your husband took that decision from them as he took it from you. They might even prefer she was in a facility, but are letting him do it because he insists.

This should never happen - a husband putting his family before his wife. That's the truth of it.

Husband is quite comfortable standing up to you and even fighting with you over this. Yet he apparently won't insist that other family members pitch in to help. Why does he have a spine when it comes to you, but it disappears when he prefers not to stand up to sis's sons and sibling and his wife?

You have sacrificed, but how long will it go on? Will you be expected to sacrifice when it comes to his brother also? How many demons are you expected to carry on your back?

Feeling neglected and alone in your marriage is one of the saddest things that could ever happen to you. I'm so sorry you have to live this way. You could seek marriage counseling either alone or with husband. But I don't feel that it would really help.

Perhaps you could travel alone or with friends. There are wonderful tours where a single person can feel comfortable and enjoy good company. Start a Lunch on Tuesday group for friends who enjoy getting out. Find a way to leave the house often, even if it's just to go for a drive. I'd want to be as far away from this household as often as possible as much as possible. Go to movies by yourself if you have to. Make it clear that you're not going to let his devotion to sis bring you down. Stop helping with appointments, meds, cleaning her room. Let husband get a taste of full hands-on care for sis. You don't owe her anything.

Anyway, why can't she go live in a memory care facility? Does that ever come up?

Good luck.

There are times when we have to make sacrifices and defer our own pleasures for family, but it seems that you have already been doing this. A lot depends on your sister-in-law's finances, and perhaps on yours and her other relatives. Can she afford to hire a caregiver to come in to help her and give you and your husband a break? Will her family (sons and brothers) kick in and pay for this help for her if she can't afford it? Your husband and you are very good family members to take all her care on yourselves. But caregiving can be stressful and you need to give yourself breaks. Your husband should try to spread the responsibility around to her sons and other family relatives. Are they close enough to participate in caregiving? Can they help financially? Has your husband's sister assigned POA (powers of attorney) for medical and financial matters? Are there assets that can be sold to pay for skilled care? Talk to your husband about the possibility that his sister could live for many more years. Is there a point where he will agree that it's too much for the two of you to handle on your own? What if her condition declines and she needs more care? My mother with advanced dementia could do nothing for herself. She couldn't walk or eat by herself. She needed to be fed, bathed, dressed, transferred from the bed to the wheel chair, or geri chair, etc. she passed away at age 98, having increasing dementia for approximately 7-8 years. Do you both have the strength and knowledge to handle her care if it gets to that point? If an honest answer is "no", then you both must consider moving her to a memory care facility with skilled staff at some point, and you should have it as your backup plan. It's difficult to discuss these things with someone who feels obligated to help a family member. Can your husband think of it another way, that no adult relative should expect that much of a sacrifice from their siblings, giving up their own lives and activities to long term caregiving. There are memory care facilities that can give his sister excellent and appropriate care for her abilities. The facilities have trained skilled staff who know what to expect with dementia. She may meet people there that she can be friends with. That happened to my mother at one stage of her dementia where she found a "buddy." All the best to you and your husband and family!

I like the idea of a week of vacation, you alone, to recharge or have a blast. Let him come to an empty house every night. While you recharge your batteries and think things through. Might be just the thing you both need.