How do you handle elderly mom's friend stopping by unannounced?

This woman has a vastly different perspective on visiting than you do.

Some people honestly don’t mind drop in visitors and others do. People should do whatever works for them.

A couple of our cousins dropped in on us from time to time and mom was glad to see them. I didn’t mind because they were pleasant women to be around.

Occasionally, my cousins even told me that if I needed to run errands that they would be glad to stay with mom while I was gone. I took them up on their offer.

Since you prefer someone to call first, then this should be respected by your mom’s friend.

This woman doesn’t seem to pick up on social cues very well. I wouldn’t enjoy being around a ‘Debbie Downer’ either.

Since her negative comments are upsetting to your mom, you might try to change the topic when she visits. With her personality though, she may not understand why you would want to change the topic.

You could say, “Let’s not discuss this, it’s such an unpleasant topic.” Do you think that your mom would appreciate you guiding her friend in a different direction or would she be upset by it?

It can be draining to hear unpleasant news repeatedly.

I had to tell a friend not long ago that I was aware of things that were going on in the world but that I needed a break from it and could not speak about these things every time that we got together.

I felt like I was watching a hour of news every time I met my friend for coffee! She didn’t know how to limit these unpleasant conversations. I found myself getting anxious around her.

I am glad that this woman doesn’t drop in very often since her views are so different from yours and your mom’s views.

I am so with you aging44. After working all day and then caring for Mom, I too would not want to listen to a Debbie Downer.

Stick your head out window & tell her she’s sleeping now. You’ll give her the message. Say, “Have a good evening!” Hugs 🤗

Here's how you handle this situation in your house.

Speak plainly but kindly to this friend that you do not allow visitors to "pop" by your house uninvited. If she wants to visit your mother then she literally has to speak to you or your mother on the phone.
No leaving a voicemail then coming by. No saying she called when you both know she didn't.

If she doesn't get invited over by you or your mother, she is not to come by.

I so understand where ur coming from. I worked with a woman like this. I had nothing she wanted but she stalked a fellow employee. Went to her home, called her on the phone which employee didn't answer. The employee did not want to be her friend.

I too, would not want someone just dropping in after just getting home from work, making dinner and finally sitting down. Seems to me Mom feels the same way. Glad she got the hint.

This is still difficult to relate to. “My mom likes her company” and “we know her for many years”. BUT “she’s become clingy”, “she is unstable mentally, talks mostly negative” and “she’s toxic”.

This seems to be the first visit in three weeks, since your first post about it. That is hardly being clingy, an imposition, or showing evidence of mental instability. You say “it is upsetting the both of us”, but I wonder if M is upset at your reaction, rather than at the visits? Who else visits your mother? Surely it’s not just you and her all the time?

You are right, the friend is probably lonely. How is your Mom taking it? Is your Mom happy to see that friend or is that friend wearing out her welcome?

If your Mom is happy to see the friend, then let it continue to happen and you need to be able to find another activity that you can do by yourself.

If your Mom is not happy to see the friend, then get up the guts to discuss some parameters of when she can visit. Your Mom should deliver the guidelines to her friend.

Aging, try to see if you could handle this differently. It may be difficult in the geography or your house, but try to set up a corner where M could talk to a visitor, without taking over the kitchen. You shouldn’t be confined to your bedroom just because someone is talking to M.

Don’t get annoyed because someone says that they don’t mind if the place is in a mess. That’s exactly what I would say. A visitor can’t expect ‘showplace’, whether or not they call first. And you can say “I going to have to ask you to leave in a few minutes, because we need to blah blah blah’, without it being said in (suppressed) anger. There are far more regrets on this site that people DON’T visit, than that visits annoy the carer. See if you can look at it all differently.

When I was watching my mom I was always hoping that somebody would stop by, just to break up the monotony.

Well, it looks like the woman could read between the lines. Usually this type of person you need to be more direct with then hollering up the hall.

Yes, people used to just stop in, but that does not happen now.

I'm glad you finally managed to ask her to call first and it seems to be working. But uhm.... IMO your reaction to her overly long visit was just silly since you already know this woman isn't capable of picking up those social cues. My approach would have been to say you hadn't eaten yet and then go ahead and start to make dinner.

Update: Mom's friend showed up again unannounced.. Mom let her in and I stayed in my bedroom and left them alone to chat it up together in the kitchen. After being here for a little over an hour, i was starving ..mom and I hadn't eaten dinner yet...I was fed up and I went out there to the kitchen and I said, Hi! ..walked over to the fridge and said i just want to get myself a water..i can't stay and talk..i'm on the telephone.. so she asks me, how are you feeling? i said, "fine! Then i looked down at the table and exclaimed, Omg look at this kitchen..it's a mess! I wish you would have called first.. so she says, oh..please, I don't care!..that doesn't bother me! So I said, well it matters to me! Then I walked away and she continues babbling on to my mom how she doesn't care how the house looks.. I was livid and again shouted from down the hall..please call first! Well, I did it.. since that evening...the pop up visits have ceased! Yes!

Is this Moms house or yours?

I have a rule, no phone calls after 8, nine for sure. No calls, no visits. Friends are my age, 74, and usually are down for the night after dinner. Yes, people who do what this friend does are very sensitive. I see no problem when she shows up to tell her no visiting after a certain hour, please. Be honest, after having a busy day and after eating dinner and cleaning up, all you want is to watch TV with Mom and relax. Every time she comes over after the time u have set, remind her, not time for visiting. If she continues, then I would call a family member and tell them what you have noticed and that she is not honoring your boundaries.

This woman is in her early 60s. She should have other friends.

Before you turn the lady off, find out whether your mother values the friendship. If she does, you might think again about cutting it down. Being too blunt may mean it stops dead. The lady may indeed be lonely, and your mother may also find herself feeling lonely in the future.

There may be other options, like for the lady to call in advance, requests for visits only in certain hours, a separate place for visits (eg in the kitchen). Or having a dressing gown to grab if there is an unexpected ring at the door.

Below in a response you mentioned that this woman may be having "mental problems", which could possibly mean that she is in the beginning of dementia (ALZ) herself. Or, she has an untreated UTI since you mention she "suddenly" started doing this.

If this is the case, no amount of door notes or explanations is going to help her since she may not be able to remember what was discussed. If you happen to know anyone who is also connected to her (family, church, etc) I would let them know about this behavior so that this woman's family can get a complete picture of what's going on and then decide what to do.

IMO "loneliness" doesn't cause normal people to suddenly lose their ability to be polite or respect boundaries. If your Mom would rather not get her calls you can certainly intervene to put a limit on those. It's apparent this friend has lost her sense of time, also a feature of early dementia. If this woman shows up at the door again, maybe ask if she has family in town or is a member of church and get her on their radar -- because you won't be able to control her if she's cognitively impaired. Maybe even report her to APS if you know where she lives.

Or, she could be bipolar.

I think you need to be true to yourself and let both of them know that this situation has visiting hours and also a "call ahead policy". Begin with talking to your mother about this, and then go from there. It's not hard. Please don't make it that way for yourself. If you continue to be unable to resolve smaller issues like this, you'll let them pile up to adding up to bigger ones in the future. Get her a cell phone and keep it on the kitchen table without letting her know it's hers persay, and have her give her "new number" to friends. This will keep things down a bit. Good luck.

There were times I should have been firm. One of those was a married couple who came and brought their seeing eye dog. They stayed for four hours to visit a LO shortly after LO's surgery. They seemed to have no idea that I was exhausted and we desperately needed rest. I was honestly so tired I wasn't thinking straight, but afterward, I realized I should have stopped refilling their iced tea glasses and told them that we'd been up all night with pain issues and needed to rest now.

We don't want to be rude, but people who have never had a caregiving issue don't get it. I concluded that asking them to leave isn't being rude at all - it's self-preservation and education of the visitors.

Long ago it was people who wanted stop by and "see the new baby." Then they'd stay for two hours. That's very hard on a new mom.

Thank you. She has our number and she talks on the phone with my mom for hours at a time but I think she wants more in person interaction with my mom and me. I think she used her BOTH phones not working as an excuse to come over unannounced. I thought about putting a note on the door. I think that would upset my mother. She's ultra sensitive.

Just ask her nicely to call first before dropping by, and tell her that you don't have visitors after a certain time. No need to be nasty -- she probably IS lonely.

Once upon a time, people used to drop in on each other all the time.

You do not let her in the door.
You stand at the door and you say "No, Mom did not call you". "Mom and I are relaxing now and don't wish to have company".

Honesty is ALWAYS best.
Honesty is always EASY.

If this occurs as many as three times, or if Mom says that this is occurring more than she would like then you will have to give your phone number to this person and request a call to you before visiting, and that if she cannot reach you and is truly concerned she should call the local police for a wellness check. As you can imagine, more than a few calls would result in her being stopped by the police themselves.

You can also try hanging a sign on the door: "We are relaxing. NO VISITORS at this time, please." You can put a notepad and pencil there with a little box to leave a message.