My mom has cancer. I live far away. She won't talk to me. (PART 5) (Advice is appreciated.)

My sister had cancer and it did not take a village to care for her. She had a breast removed and aggressive chemo for 8 months. Mom spent the 8 months, in a different state, helping my sister and 6 yr old son. I dealt with Dad.😊 I too started a f/t job the same month as her diagnosis.

I would say if you want to keep this job, you show up for everything and take no time off. You are still under probation. If you don't show interest in the job and do well, they will let you go. You also can't look at other employees that have been there several years and compare yourself to them. You are a newbie, of course they are not going to be supportive, they don't know you and probably won't warm up to you till ur there for a while because, your on probation. Last place I worked, probation was 90 days and you could be let go anytime, without explanation, in that time.

Since Mom does not seem to be forthcoming about her cancer, then I would let it go. I would text her saying you have tried to call her and she does not answer. You are concerned about her cancer and would like some input from her not hearing it from others. When she feels she can talk to you about it, please call so u can have a nice talk. Since you just started a new job, please call after 5 when ur home. Will wait for your call. Then u don't call her again.

You cannot afford to play games with Mom. You will lose your job if you don't put your full attention into it. You are in a learning curve and that in itself is stressful. Seems to me Mom has people helping her. If she does not make it to an appt, thats on her. There r taxis, Urber, Lift and Senior bussing. At this point she is not asking you for help. You will definitely lose ur job if you think that you can do any long term care for Mom. There is no law that your job has to be held for you. You are not entitled to Fema which has some protection but I think that is limited.

And Dad, tell him your not interested in a relationship. Estranged parents tend to come out of the wood work when they start to age. They think their children will feel some obligation to care for them. And some do, they have posted to the forum. Don't fall for it. The parent ends up getting ur time and the child gets nothing but the stress and abuse.

I agree with Alva to consider attending Al-Anon. My good friend attends it for her alcoholic Father and it has been wonderful for her.

I agree with others who recommend counseling for yourself. Even if this a rant/vent (which everyone needs to do) you will get a huge mixed bag of responses, and I guarantee some will be hurtful to you, some will be misguided. You need 1 person to vent to who has your best interests at heart (like a therapist) and not a global, anonymous forum where the people have no accountability.

You are not stuck, you are just figuring out you are powerless to change or improve your Mom's life. Honestly, she's probably drunk or stoned and that's why no one seems to be able to get accurate info out of her. You can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her.

You care a lot about her. She doesn't seem to care much about you or the impact her behavior has on you. Take this at face value and move on with your own life in a healthy way. You don't get to choose your family but you can choose how / if you interact with them.

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.

This is kind of a confusing post. I read it twice and I am not sure exactly what your concerns are.

If your mom isn’t speaking to you, She cut you off. This situation goes beyond a cancer diagnosis. Give your mom the space that she needs to deal with everything in her own way.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer and going through his cancer treatments, we filled our daughters in on the situation. Naturally, they were concerned about his health but they continued to live their lives as usual.

Am I understanding correctly that you quit one job, then got another one? If you just started this new job then I wouldn’t ask for time off.

As far as therapy goes, you’re getting ahead of yourself. Your work scheduling is your priority right now. After you are settled in figure out how to schedule your therapy sessions.

She will figure things out. Her doctors, nurses, social workers, etc are able to help her plan what she will be facing in the upcoming months.

Wishing you all the best. Take care.

You need your job. You don’t need your mother and she doesn’t need you.

Don’t even think about going to see mom! It makes no sense to become a dancing bear in this circus.

You wrote an encyclopedia to basically say that your mother isn't speaking to you, won't tell you what type of cancer she has or if she's getting treatment, and wondering if you should go see her, risking your new job?

No.

Wait until mother starts acting like an adult and giving you the facts. And ASKING you to come see her.

That's my advice.

I tried, I really did, to put your posts in order and focus.

Failed completely.

Honestly, your MOM has cancer (or does she?).

When I was dxed with cancer and had the defnitive diagnosis and plan of treatment, I called my kids together and talked to them about it.

The 3 who live out of state were with us via a ZOOM call.

It was upsetting to THEM, but by that point I was ready to just do the chemo and move on.

Not one of my 3 kids came racing 'home' to be with me. I wouldn't have asked and I wouldn't have wanted them to.

WHY do you feel you need to be so involved? Your mom doesn't act terribly concerned about you being with her, and honestly, the travel and such will just make life hard for YOU when the person who HAS cancer needs the support. I have a feeling you're trying to make this about you, in a way, and that just doesn't work.

IF you are on mom's paperwork as being one of her go-to people, OK, then you use that 'power' to get information from the Dr. If not, then there may be a reason why.

Go ahead with your new job and the changes that come with it. Call when you feel like it, or let mom be the one to call you.

There's no "WAY" to feel about cancer. It is what it is. And it sucks. But I did my TXs without involving my kids. They still came to see me when I felt up to it (the 2 who lived here) and the 3 who didn't could grab a cheap airline flight and come out for a long weekend. One daughter was pregnant and unable to fly, so I never saw her until I was done with chemo.

They also called THEIR friends to come check on me, something that really touched my heart.

BTW, both my mom and my MIL knew I had cancer. Both opted to go 'no contact' for about a year. I just literally did not see or talk to either of them for a year. It was fine. I had to keep my head in the game.

To try to be 'there' for mom--when medical testing is being done--frankly, it doesn't go smoothly and you may come all the way out for a specific test and mom doesn't even have it done. Waste of a trip.

It doesn't sound like you and mom are close--but you can be supportive and loving from a distance.

In a nutshell you started a new job with a company that is pathetically disorganized.

Your mom has cancer but she's not talking to you because, that's just your mother and she probably has played these games with you your entire life.

Family members are guilt tripping you to go be with mom because she has cancer but if you go you could lose this job and who knows how long you would have to be with mom as she gets treatment for her cancer. Plus it sounds like mom doesn't want you there anyway.

I would stay where you are and not give up your financial security because your mother will continue to mess with you and play games, especially since she won't talk to you.

Good luck your mother and family are going to put you through hell and seriously guilt trip you over this.

Your post is so confusing as you are mixing work issues with feelings. If your mom is not talking to you, she still has to give medical staff permission to be present. Make sure permission is in place or you will waste a trip.