My dad lives in Florida and is starting to show signs of memory loss. I live in NC.

When my FIL lived in Florida with his second wife ( diagnosed with dementia ) it was difficult to know how bad it was by phone call alone . We would fly down yearly and they were both declining , then Covid we didn’t fly down and when we would call , FIL was cutting the calls very short , didn’t have much to say, and then we started to hear the wife in the background yelling at FIL to hang up the phone and to “ stop telling him things “.
I realized it was worse than we thought and they were trying to hide it .

The wife then was in rehab after aspirating pneumonia for about the 5 th time . So we flew down and it was worse than we thought . They had both declined significantly during Covid . FIL has dementia too .

So the lack of communication that you are having could definitely mean your Dad is declining and needs help even if he were to sound ok on a phone call

How long had Dad been married to his wife. Were you and step -sister raised together? Because if this woman never mothered you, then maybe they will need to be separated. You taking Dad to live near you and SS taking her Mom. Or, if there is money, placing them in an AL and son will just need to fend for himself. Moms money needs to be protected. Maybe time for SS to get immediate POA for Mom and take over her finances where son can't touch them. You nesd to do the same for Dad. Wife is not able to make decisions for him.

I don't see what you can possibly do from this far away. A blended family, and one with difficulties in all the generations? I don't have a clue what you can do at all, but I sure wish you good luck. Short of HIRING someone to check in and perhaps deliver a meal a week or clean a day a week I don't see how you can even get a foot in the door with the ill son there. There must be very difficult and I am so sorry. I hope the reach out to VA might help.

Yes, definitely contact the VA (but not sure which state... depends on whether you think you'll move your Dad to NC or not).

Some participants on this forum are very familiar with working with the VA, so maybe post another question specifically about that, or just search for what's already been posted on this forum.

Thank you so much for your response. His wife probably has power of attorney over my Dad but she cant help him pay monthly bills or anything. I will relay the message to my step sister about her Mom. Then the both will need the same level of care. My Dad is a Veteran although never took benefits from them. I should try calling them perhaps.

I'm so sorry for this distressing situation but this sort of trainwreck is a pretty common way that adult children get "baptized by fire" into their parent's world of care needs.

Let's start with who has any legal power: do you or does anyone have PoA for anyone in that home? Are you PoA for your Dad? Is your step-sister PoA for her Mom? Is anyone the legal guardian for the adult son? If so, the PoAs need to read their documents to see when the authority becomes active. Often it requires 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of incapacity. So then the next step is trying to get your LO in to a medical exam. If someone else claims PoA for your Dad I would tell them to produce the document before I believed them.

If your step-Mom is the legal guardian of her son, then your step-sister may need to ask social services if this can be transferred to her without it going to court and costing her money (if she wants to do this).

Without legal authority you probably will be relegated to reporting them to APS in the county where they live. This may also mean that the county will eventually acquire guardianship of them and begin to manage their care at every level. This means you and your step-sister will not be able to have any insight into or control over their medical or financial affairs.

Your Step Mom may not have depression but maybe dementia. People with dementia and memory loss often will spend many hours in bed or in front of the tv. But, her daughter does need to get her a diagnosis in order to help her. This may be accomplished through "therapeutic fibs" to get her into the doctor. Read up on that on this forum.

If I were you I'd plan a trip down there (that is at least 1 week long or longer) to get an accurate idea of what's going on, what's needed and who can do what. Best if you can coordinate it with the step-sister.

If your Dad doesn't have a PoA and you are willing to do it, he may still be "good enough" to create this document at an elder law attorney. The attorney will assess him to determine if he has capacity, so don't make any assumptions, just bring him to the appointment and let them decide.

Once you've gone down there to see the lay of the land you will have a much better idea of what possible solutions there may be. I wish you much success in sorting it out with them.