How do you let go of guilt after your mom dies and you were her caregiver?

You allowed your mom her independence at 86 by living as SHE saw fit, rather than insisting on Assisted Living or micromanaging her every move.

Your mom could have lived into her 90s, had this car accident not occurred, but she also could have developed cancer or dementia rendering those last years miserable.

Your mom died happy and living life on HER terms. You should be happy about that and proud of yourself for not impeding her lifestyle. Nothing you DID or did not do caused her death.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear mom.

I am sorry about the loss of your mother. Give yourself time to grieve. The feeling of grief can last a long time, and it can come anytime and anywhere. It’s okay. Take this time and as much time as you need to grieve the loss of your mom. Do not replace grieve with guilt.
GUILT has no part in the loss of your mother. She was in a car accident.. you were not involved. DO NOT PICK UP THE GUILT CARD.,
Talk to your mom. Thank her for being your mom and a wonderful person and role model.


i know a retired fireman. Most accidents involving older people will automatically be blamed for the accident. More times than not, they were not at fault.. I hope and pray someone didn’t stick the blame on her just because she was older..

muse this time to say goodbye to mom. Share fun stories.. look at the good and fun times with her..

take that emotion of guilt, give it to God, and ask him to fill it with love, caring, life. You did not cause that.

prayers

The only way you should feel any "guilt" (misused G word) or I should say responsibility for your mothers death is if she were physically or cognitively impaired and should not have been driving and you did nothing to either convince her to quit driving or to remove the keys from her possession.

I am sorry for your loss

My brother suffered a serious accident that led to his diagnosis of Lewy's dementia. He said AFTER the accident that he "knew something was wrong" but didn't want to face the loss of his car, his last little place and simply didn't want to face it and didn't want to know. He was so relieved he didn't kill or hurt anyone with his accident, but he did wish very much that he had died in it. As it turned out we had to face down his diagnosis, his move to ALF, his living there for some time knowing he was on the long downhill slide. He did it with courage and aplomb, but when he died about one and one half years later of sepsis, with the help of hospice, he was relieved to go, relieved not to have to face more.

You have said you did what you could do at the time. You need to accept that and move throough the grieving process. Your mother would not want this for you and your blaming yourself does her no honor. She would want you to move on with a quality life, knowing just how short it can be.

Your Mom had a good life. I am sorry that she is gone. Grieving her loss is a normal thing that has no answers, that must be "got through". If you need help do go for grief support and grief counseling which can be done on line, in person, or in groups. If there are none, try to arrange some through your community or faith based groups.

Again, I am so sorry for this loss. You are not alone in your loss or in your feelings. Time alone is, to my mind, the great healer. You will always have some feelings about this, but concentration of a celebration of a life well lived, having to give up very little, and having your support was to my mind a good life.

So sorry for your loss but there should be no guilt. Seems to me Mom was able to be independent and even had a roommate to help with bills. Seems she lived her life on her terms and was healthy enough to do it. She spent weekends with you which was nice. I don't understand where the guilt comes in. The accident is not your fault.

You need to look at the fun times you and Mom had. Rejoice in that she was healthy and able to enjoy life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Its grief that your experiencing.

I don't even understand your post. Were you driving the car? Did you run into your mother's car with your car? Did you ask your mom to drive to the store for a pack of smokes? Exactly why are feeling guilty?

Sadly, deadly car and other accidents happen everyday to every sort of person. I am glad to hear that you are in therapy to deal with such a sudden, shocking loss.

It sounds like you and your mother had a very close bond. I’m sure she felt very lucky to have such a caring child. 😊

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved mom.

How can you blame yourself for your moms death when it is God and only God who has the final say as to when He will call us Home?
You did do your best, and you said yourself that your mom was overall healthy and happy, and that is a blessing for sure, as a lot of folks as they get older are in poor health and miserable.
Your mom left this world just as God intended, in good health and happy, knowing she had a great daughter who loved her dearly.
It's better than the alternative where you perhaps would have had to go years with her suffering and miserable and in poor health where you could do nothing to change it.
Our time here on earth is written in God's Book of Life, and it was your moms time to go be with Him. You now have another angel who will be looking out for you until you meet again.
But in the meantime, please seek out a Grief Share group in your area, to help you sort out what you're feeling.
May God bless you and keep you, and give you His peace in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Please don’t blame yourself! Losing your mom is hard enough without torturing yourself.

If you believe she is in Heaven now, stop and consider how she feels. Is she looking at your soul— because now she can see your true heart, even better than you can— and angry at you? Blaming you? NO! Her life here ended but her love cannot end; it’s not possible! Don’t put limits on her love by torturing your own dear soul. I can’t imagine she would be okay with you feeling what is ultimately not true.

I think when people blame themselves for a death, it’s because they just can’t yet accept their loved one ‘chose’ to leave them. You weren’t ready, but no one is ever ready to lose a parent. It takes time to accept that SHE was ready, that it was her time, and she wouldn’t leave if she didn’t think you’d be okay. ❤️

So sorry for your sudden loss .
You did not cause that accident . Sounds as if you were taking excellent care of your mother .
You are a loving caring daughter .
I’m sure your mother appreciated everything you did .
A car accident can happen to anyone at any time .
You are not guilty , you did nothing wrong . It is common to have the “ If only ….” in the beginning of grieving .
Have you thought of going for grief counseling ?

I’m so sorry. Grief comes out in many ways and guilt feelings are part of it, despite u having NOTHING to feel guilty about. Sounds like u treated her well and spent time with her most weekends. It is a shock. I recommend grief counseling to sort through some of the emotions.
So sorry for your loss! I lost my father in April.