Any advice on aging and alcohol use disorder?

Never a good idea for anybody with cognitive impairment to use alcohol, medications for non-prescription purposes, or self dose with legal or illegal substances. Mostly, the person with cognitive decline can't remember when he/she last used and will tend to overuse side. This can have deadly results - from fatal car incidents, overwhelming kidneys or liver (death from kidney failure or liver failure is not fun), and death of self or others.

Seems your loved one has reached the point where she will not make safe decisions for herself. Please start using those powers of attorney for financial and medical decisions. If don't have those, then start the lengthy process of getting one of you appointed as legal guardian through the court system.

She needs to see a professional counselor and if the counselor thinks that family counseling is needed, the counselor will say so. There is a reason people have depression and there is a reason people drink. The root cause of these two conditions needs to be explored by a professional who can guide her to a more satisfactory life. Taking away pleasures will only exasperate the situation. Supporting drinking and driving is not what I am saying. There are alternate ways to get from point to point such as someone else driving, a taxi, or an Uber for example. A counselor might also suggest regular meetings with Alcoholic Anonymous and perhaps Al-Anon for the family. The overall problem will not be solved quickly and patience with everyone involved will be very important. Age may not be the biggest factor in this situation. Best wishes to your family.

BB3333: Disable your mother's vehicle by any means possible. Taking her keys away may not be enough as an alcoholic will find a way to operaate a motor vehicle. Add in the fact that she has "cognitive impairment" spells a recipe for disaster.

Naturally you love your mother and want to prevent and protect her from hurting herself. From what you see described a problem maybe a concern, but since you do not live with your mother you have to rely on your sister who may not be fully truthful about your mother’s behavior. So is your mother’s behavior a real problem concern or is it not? Without judging your sister why not invite your mother to spend some time with you and your family at your home? In this way you could make a better judgment call about your mother’s behavior. Alternatively if it is not practical for your mother to stay a while with you, maybe you could stay with your mother and sister’s home for a while.

"cutting mom off from her social life and independence seems counterintuitive."
Counter-intuitive ? In all due respect, if she dies driving drunk she won't have a social life.

And, of course, she is now a candidate to kill other people while driving.

Her life and the life of others is your responsibility / your family's responsibility. And, of course your mother's responsibility - but she cannot / won't change and will continue to do as she is / has for what - decades? all of her life.

This is no time to be concerned about her social life or 'overstepping an elder's independence.' ... independence for what - potentially taking another's life due to driving drunk?

I simply do not understand your thinking in this regard.
She could kill a child, a mother walking her child across the street ... an elder who can't see well - or 'just' anyone else.

How do YOU weigh this potential 'life and death' situation with 'overstepping HER independence' ??? Elder independence does not equate the potential of killing another human being (or deer / animal for that matter) nor does it mean a person is allowed to drive drunk. What exactly do you believe 'elder independence' to be ? mean ?

You need to have her DL revoked.
Call the police. Notify them of what is happening.
Disassemble her car so she can't drive it. Change the car key on her key ring.
Have her MD write a letter re alcohol use and/or her inability to drive due to alcoholism.

If she is able, get her to AA meetings.

The longer you wait to take action, the more possibility of her killing herself or others.

She'll be very mad, upset, etc. She wants to drink and drive. Expect her to react like this and do not take it personally. And, DO NOT respond to it. Tell her she is not allowed to drive. Period. End of story. She will bi--h and bi-ch and b----. She isn't used to (apparently) anyone in her family setting boundaries or telling her what she needs to do.

I realize that is it not easy street growing up with an alcoholic mother - if this was the case. And, now. You are an adult and need to make these decisions.

I am hoping that a family member has some legal authority to make some decisions. If not, see an attorney and see what you / your family can do.

This is of the utmost urgency.
Do not allow her to potentially kill other people.

Gena / Touch Matters

Might want to have her evaluated at the Betty Ford Clinic:

https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/

An observer's subjective opinions on another's drinking habits are just that; I was drinking daily for about 18 months following a final breakup of a 30-year relationship. But I was also seeing a therapist and going to AA just about daily during that time. It all worked for me, during that difficult period (during which I also lost my career of 40 years, having NOTHING to do with 'my drinking'). My two sisters and my mom variously called me a hypocrite, sneaky, and a liar; they were sure I lost my job because of 'my drinking'. My older sister snuck my mom off to a lawyer to replace me as mom's POA (since said sister lives 200 miles away and I was right there), under guise as 'coming to visit' (which she never normally did). None ever offered me any emotional support during this period. 3+ years later, I'm emotionally healthy, thankfully. Telling a third person that a common relative/acquaintance 'has a problem' that's based on uninformed, subjective thinking, can be very damaging. I also have never (over a 20 year period) had anything remotely relating to 'alcoholism' show up in bloodwork. So, I'd be skeptical of your sister's pronoucement; she may be correct, but as you said, you really can't control another person's drinking. Maybe your mom drank to excess twice, and your sister overreacted? On your mom's behalf, talk with her (NOT at her), and ask questions (not drills); she may be feeling sad, lonely, or a little depressed. And forcing her to not go on a trip she'd been looking forward to? From personal experience, I see that as cruel; if you and your sister, etc., were truly concerned about her safety, you could have arranged transportation for her so she could still go. If that had happened to me, I doubt I'd ever recover my sense of hope or self-esteem again. I see both sides of this coin.

How old is your mother? How does she get the alcohol? Is your sister buying the alcohol for her? This is a very dangerous situation with your mother driving drunk. You said your mother has had one DUI in the past; this is one DUI too many. Since she is an alcoholic, she is prone to get more DUIs in the future. What if she drives drunk and kills someone?

You and your sister need to step in and monitor you mother before she ends up killing someone and killing herself while driving drunk. Your mother has issues going on in her life and that’s why she is turning to alcohol to numb her emotional/physical/psychological pain. Your mother should not be among people who drink, and your sister should not have any alcohol in her home. As some on this forum suggested, you and your sister should try to get your mother into an AA program to see if she can become sober, but I doubt this will happen since you said your mother’s drinking started way back when you were a child.

Buy her non-alcoholic beer or wine…. serve it to her in a glass so she can’t tell. If she can’t drive then she can’t get alcohol that’s a good start.

My mom has 1 DUI from 4 years ago. (October 2019?).

I haven’t seen her drive under the influence myself. (But historically she does have a DUI from Covid times).

BB, In your mind, are you blaming/explaining your Mother's drinking and DUI on the isolation from Covid?

@Bounce,
Thank you for the info on the Thiamine
And a comment about the "choir" not letting her on the trip. If this is a Church sponsored choir and a Church sponsored trip the Church itself may have a restriction on drinking completely or on "their grounds" and if they own or hired the bus...then they can make the "rules"...if they are paying for the hotel then the Church rules I would imagine apply there as well.

I don't think OP was questioning the right to take her keys away but that not allowing her Mother, who is 77, to go on a bus trip that she was excited about. There is a thin line here. I can understand Sisters reaction and frustration. But Mom is not a child to be punished. But then, is it fair for the people on the bus trip feeling they have to babysit Mom either?

I am so sorry but I do not consider this a disorder. BiPolar is a disorder and I do have a cousin who uses alcohol to medicate. She won't take meds. They have also pigeonholed alcoholism as a disease, I don't go for that either. To me, its an addiction. And there are people with addictive personalities. Really, why is it one person can stop at one drink and another can't. I believe there is a chemical imbalance that causes the addiction. Like said, Mom will always be an alcoholic. She just needs to be dried out under supervision. Then she too needs to go to meetings. This does not mean she gets her license back or drives. But, no alcohol should be where she can get it. Your sister should have none in her home. How did Mom get the bottle she put in her luggage? Like you said, how can her bloodwork show no alchohol in her system? I just looked it up and she would have to not be drinking for awhile not to show up in a blood test. She needs to fast too, no alcohol, for blood tests to show certain deficiencys.

You all need help in understanding what is going on with Mom. Especially since she seems to be getting worse. We need to drop these "politically correct" names and say what your dealing with...alcoholism. Back in the 30s/40s my grandfather was called a drunk. A nice drunk, but a drunk. He died at 60.

BB, in an answer below you state that mom was tested last fall and approved to drive. Please know that 1 year with dementia changes things greatly.

You can NOT depend on old tests to tell you the story of today.

Anything with our brains can change overnight and you should encourage mom to get retested, especially since you have last years testing as her baseline. This will help you moving forward.

She may have "no issues related to alcohol in her bloodwork" but need I tell you that alcohol effects the brain and it is VERY possible that the reason/cause of her MCI IS, as you delicately put it, her "alcohol use disorder" (what most people call alcoholism).
I agree with the others that you and any close family member attend Alanon.
And if you mom is cognizant enough to understand that her choice to drink is reducing her social life. If she choses to abstain from drinking she can get into a program, often covered by insurance, and that just might slow her cognitive decline. It will not reverse the decline but it may prevent further decline.
The choice is HERS alone to make.

Your mother is an alcoholic, when drinking and driving she is behind the wheel of a 2 ton death machine.

With that she is not entitled to drive and should make other arrangements to have her social life...like someone else drive her.

I would suggest you attend Alanon so that you learn all you can about addition. Learn about enabling and how to set your boundaries.

It is a selfish disease that has tenacles that negatively affects everyone it comes in contact with.

This is something I know about, my mother is an alcoholic and she will be one all the rest of her life, it is just a matter of whether she is drinking or not. I attended Alanon for 7 years, it was a great help to me.

If your mom can't be responsible with her drinking(and driving) then who the HELL cares if she gets cut off from her social life and independence???
That is a choice that she herself is making and one that she will have to live with.
I can't stand when loved ones of alcoholics continue to make excuses for them and choose to live in denial themselves.
YOUR MOM IS AN ALCOHOLIC!!! Not someone with an "alcohol use disorder."
And no you don't need a "mediator," you and your sister both need to start attending Al-Anon meetings today.
There you will learn how not to enable your mom and how to not live in denial about your mom and her situation.
Your mom needs more help than you or your sister can provide and until she admits that she has a problem there is nothing you can do except make sure she's not driving anywhere, drunk or not as someone with any mental decline shouldn't be driving either. So take away her keys and NEVER give them back.
And you and your sister get the much needed help you both need from Al-Anon and even a therapist.
And I will also suggest that you start looking for the right facility for your mom to be placed in as there is nothing healthy about living with an alcoholic.
I know, as my first husband was a alcoholic when I was married to him, though thankfully now he's a recovering alcoholic, and my son too was one and is now recovering.
You all need help, but the only person you can change is yourself, so start today by going to one of the many local Al-Anon meetings in your area.

I can certianly see why you have concerns.. but unfortunately cannot see what you can do.

Mom lives with a sister. It is very hard to have influence on other adults - let alone adults that do not live with you.

All I can think of is ADVISING Mom - in a style she may respond to. From nicely asking Mom to stop driving - discuss protecting children on the road, to harshly preaching about the dangers, threats about how guilty she could feels if she harmed someone, how she could be legally sued, or even threats to turn her in to the Police..

Or a*harm minimisation* strategy.

Eg Does Mom have regular binge nights? Strike a negotionation: she has her drink nights say Thurs, Fri, Sat & NO driving. Is allowed to drive ONLY on her non-drinking days.

If her MCI means she cannot comprehend this, cannot self-monitor, or her personality means she stubbornly refuses, I am really not sure what options there are. I would bring this matter up with her Doctor. Cognitive issues surrounding safe driving are an issue with early stages of dementia, stroke, ABI & other brain conditions.
Some people lack capacity surrounding safe driving but being told this does not prevent them driving. Having no access to keys or a vechicle is required.

BB,

Judging by what you have said, it is more than likely that your mom is past the ‘social drinking’ stage.

Mind you, I have no issue whatsoever with social drinking. Most social drinkers know their limits and they don’t drive immediately after they have a drink or two.

I worked with a woman who was a very high functioning alcoholic. She stashed a bottle in the trunk of her car.

A few times after work, when her car was parked close to mine, I would see her drink straight from the bottle that was stashed in her her trunk.

She didn’t join us for lunch or dinner if the restaurant didn’t serve alcohol.

Sometimes it takes awhile before someone with a drinking problem to become unable to perform daily tasks.

If she lives with your sister I am sure that your sister sees a lot more than you do.

People who have substance abuse issues are masters of deception. You are only seeing a small fraction of what your sister sees.

Your sister may not be exaggerating or embellishing the facts regarding your mom’s drinking.

Your mother shouldn’t be driving under the influence of alcohol. Ask yourself, would you get in a car with your mother? I wouldn’t get in a car with anyone who has a substance abuse issue.

I understand that you don’t want your mother to be isolated from friends. Your mother’s main priority at this point in time is her well being. There will be other opportunities for activities and socialization.

Think about this in practical terms. Someone who drinks on a regular basis is going to have booze on them or want to have access to alcohol. If booze isn’t available then what?

There are recommendations from doctors and addiction specialists on how to stop drinking. So, allowing your mom to travel could be an issue if she runs out of liquor.

I hope that your family will be able to resolve this complex issue soon.

Alcohol is the worst. I've seen it do all kind of damage, including to whole non-drinking families, all my life. Personally I won't even be friends with someone who drinks any amount of alcohol. This way there's a zero chance of me being affected in anyway.

If someone I know drinks I would certainly support and do everything I could to help treat their condition. But if they continue drinking I am not there for them ever. It's that simple and my life has been all the better because of that.

Your Mom has been an alcoholic for at least 4 years then?
I don't call this an alcohol use disorder. I call it addiction and alcoholism.

As to what people typically do to address parent's mental health issues?
Nothing.
We cannot change others.
We can only change our own responses to their addictions or mental health.
I would suggest Al-Anon to any and all in Mom's sphere.

Your mother does not have "free will" to drive drunk and kill innocent people! She does have free will to drink herself into cirrhosis of the liver and dementia, however.

Furthermore, any driving of a motor vehicle by a cognitively impaired person is something that should not happen. Combine that with ANY amount of alcohol consumption and your mother is a menace on the road.

I have read many posts here from people saying their loved one was diagnosed with MCI when they're behaviors are SO off the wall, they reek of moderate dementia at least.

Disable your mother's car immediately and get yourselves (you and sister) to Al-anon meetings yesterday.

The best place for mom is memory care assisted living where no booze is allowed at all, and the mini bus will drive her around.

********************************

One Last Question, Poem by Ritika Abigail

I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.


I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
'The other guy is drunk, ' Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom....
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put 'Daddy's Girl' on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?

-Ritika Abigail

If she is MCI and addicted to alcohol, she’s probably not competent to know when she shouldn’t drive. Addiction fools the brain. Executive function is affected. Her free will isn’t going to function like a normal person’s free will.

Your concerns about her social life and etc. are really secondary to the main problem, her addiction. Even if you were to have an intervention, her MCI and her brain changes from alcohol could keep her from understanding.

What to do? AA and Al Anon are good suggestions, but she has to take responsibility for herself and that may not happen. You have a very sick mom. Not much you can do about her life choices at this point. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

You are torn wanting your Mom to be safe but not wanting her to be cut off from her social life.

She can make a new social life with recovering alcoholics. She goes to AA, it is not something you can do for her.

Darn that old DSM-5! Were you able to look up what it is called if your Mom is merely "self-medicating" a bipolar disorder?

You have enough information right now, and have provided it here.
It is typical for the dysfunction to cause a person (family, friends) to be so caught up in waiting for enough information (the story to unfold) that they become hyper involved in another person's life. Defending them, holding them up, listening to their excuses, dividing siblings against siblings, walking on eggshells. All the while Mom is driving drunk or over-dosing (passing out?).

Your sister and you could attend alanon, for families of alcoholics.
Then you would be provided with opportunities to get on with your life.

I strongly suggest that you do not attempt to take away your Mother's free will. You can suggest, persuade, withdraw your support for her to continue drinking, and recommend she stop drinking and attend AA by her choice. Contact a medical doctor who is certified by SAMSHA.

That is all the advice I have right now. Of course you do not have to consider it at all.

Have your sister move out as she is caught up in the confusion, lies, and toxicity it takes to keep your mother "independent".

You are also in denial. "alcohol use disorder" is code for "alcohol abuse disorder", aka "Alcoholism".

Alcohol is a depressant.
Alcohol causes cognitive decline, confusion, and impairment in judgment.
It is a crime to drive drunk, and unsafe, whether or not you are caught.