My MIL is a narcissist and has lived with us for majority of our married life, since my husband is the golden child.

Your expectations;
Did you expect to be in a 3-way marriage? Was it discussed beforehand? Or expected?
Did you think it would be ok but the reality is different?

Husband's expectations;
Did he always expect to house his Mother? Does he expect Wife & Mother to harmonioulsy get along? To not require their own space? Maybe he never thought about it..? Does what Mother tells him to do..? (Never questioning a parent's authority).

MIL's expectations; that an adult child must house & provide for her? Due to custom? The old ways? What she did for her parents/in-laws? Does she think it is her choice which adult child must provide her housing? Do the adult children get a say? Or does she expect obedience?

WAY too many questions!! Sorry!

You can see this can be hot topic.
It may take a very culturally sensitive marriage councellor. If you have a religious/faith leader, I'd start there. For some 1 to 1 support then leading to couple councelling.

Having that third person to explain each other's viewpoint can be very beneficial.

How did it come about her living with you? Why was it agreed to in the beginning?

I have seen the over-used term “narcissist” one (okay, a zillion) too many times on this site. People! It does not MATTER what the other person is…YOU are the one in control of what YOU will put up with! YOU get to set the limits, establish the boundaries, and use that golden word, “NO.” (Or its stronger version, “HELL, NO!” if the issue is changing an adult diaper 😷🤮).

Hey, just an idea: become a so-called “narcissist” yourself, if that’s what it takes to reclaim your own life!

"But whenever she goes there she has some drama there and very soon tells my husband to get her a ticket back to our place."

You're the easiest to get along with, so you get the prize? Um, nooooo.

When she's at their homes, something happens to make her uncomfortable and unhappy. What could it be? Other daughter-in-law refuses to become her narcissistic supply? Other son refuses to spend time with his mom because he values his wife and family over her? Maybe her daughter tells her to shut up and won't cook for her? Do you know specifically how the "drama" starts?

Find out. Then start your own drama. Make your home unpleasant for her. You do have the right to stand up for yourself and to keep your home happy for yourself. At present, it isn't. You need to create an atmosphere that is not what MIL wants.

In other words, you are being too nice to her. And you're being too nice to your husband, too. He is your problem. She is your nightmare. You can fix both, but it would involve becoming someone you didn't think you were. It's up to you whether you want to do that.

Are you expected to provide care and do the cooking and cleaning?

Is there a possibility of treating this situation as one might a difficult roommate situation?

For example, if you work from home, maybe you can spend your days at a library, coffee shop, or shared work space? If you are expected to cook, maybe put something in a crock pot and tell husband and MIL to help themselves but you will be at [fill in blank...yoga, book club, walking group]. For cleaning, maybe a housekeeper? (At least they get paid for their labor.)

Go to bed early with earplugs or white noise; leave early the next morning.

If these are options, you are the envy of many who contribute to this forum.

If husband expects you to care for and serve MIL, then you do have a marriage issue to sort out. And it will be a tough one given the longstanding male expectation that unpaid care work is women's work.

Good luck to you!

My uncle’s wife agreed to take care of mil for the rest of her life as a cultural obligation. She flaked after less than a year after saying she would do it for life. She just hated grandma being there so uncle booted her. Uncle would have not gotten immigration or been a doctor without his sisters who assumed he would, at least, take a measured approach.

Uncle basically divorced himself from his whole extended family over this.

Is this a cultural thing? Yes, if you needed to walk away, could you? Are you expect to care for her as she ages? I don't believe in ultimatums unless your ready for the consequences. "Its either me or your Mom" He says "Mom" then you say "two women cannot live in the same house, so I guess I will be leaving. Because this is my home and your Mom thinks its hers" Wives come first. Men marry, Mom is no longer #1.

The problem is your husband not your MIL. He is a mama's boy.

Whether you want to live the rest of your married life that way is up to you. He will not change.

My mother is 98, your MIL could also live that long, keep that in mind.

You don't have a MIL problem but you DO have a marriage problem. Time to seek out a marriage counselor or skip that step and go straight to a divorce.

Take a girls vacation with some friends or go alone and have some relaxation. Start mentally checking out and plan your escape. Speak to a divorce lawyer and not tell DH so you can find out if it comes down to it what you need to do, how to do it and when to do it.

What do you feel you want to do ?

If you wanted to leave this situation , would you be able to support yourself ?

How long has MIL lived with you ? ( how long married ).

Is your husband willing to go to marriage counseling ?