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Jeepgirl2960 Asked October 2023

Don't know what to do.

My mom is 74 years old and lives alone in a senior apartment building with her cat. She has been addicted to opiods for at least 30 or so years and I think she still is. She is extremely skinny, missing most of her teeth and lives in filth most of the time. She sleeps all day and stays up all night. Every time I go over there her garbage is piled up and the litter box is full. She doesn't bathe and has never changed her bed sheets. I have tried to get her to go get help and have reached out many times. I hate to see her live this way. I have a older sister and my older brother passedcsway last year and she didn't go to the funeral which I have a hard time getting over. My husband encourages me to stop dealing with her because she is selfish and doesn't want to change. Anyways thanks for listening.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2023
JeepGirl, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this dysfunction.

Mom is allowed to live the way she likes if she has been found incompetent.

I suggest you call Adult Protective Services in her town and report that she is a vulnerable adult. That will get her on their radar.
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2023
Not found incompetent.
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2023
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this awful situation. Will keep you in my thoughts. Wishing you and your family all the best.

I understand how hard this is for you. My oldest brother, deceased since 2013 was an opioid addict. Their addiction wrecks havoc in their lives and those who are around them.

I reached out to my brother numerous times trying to help him, until I went to Al Anon and Nar Anon. I found the strength to finally be able to walk away.

We are powerless in these situations. If they don’t allow others to help and want to receive help, then sadly your efforts will be in vain.

Step back and do whatever you feel is necessary for you to attain peace. I have been there and know that no matter what you choose it’s going to be hard.

My brother became homeless for awhile. He was a great guy when he was clean, successful too, owned his own business but addiction will steal everything and everyone away from them.

He had more than a few pins in him. He also had rods placed on several bones after a severe motorcycle accident. It was astonishing that he even managed to survive. There were many times when I felt like he was a cat with 9 lives!

He died in an end of life hospice facility. He died before he reached 70 years old. A got a phone call telling me where he was and I took my mom to say goodbye to her first born son. He is finally free from his pain and addiction.

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olddude Oct 2023
At least get the cat out of there.
sp196902 Oct 2023
Yes at least get the cat out of that house.

I hate it when I read about animals being neglected because of these mentally ill seniors. I also hate it that people can live the way the OPs mother is living and APS won't step in to take this person and admit them to a facility or mental institution. I don't get the whole people can live the way they want nonsense because a normal person isn't going to live this way.
Daughterof1930 Oct 2023
You’d be doing mom a favor by reporting her situation to APS. Even if they don’t act, they need an awareness of all of it. You can also send a letter on the patient portal to her doctor explaining her situation, though the doctor cannot talk with you he/she can always read your messages and clearly the doctor needs a more complete picture of mom’s life. This is beyond your abilities to fix, plus you don’t need or deserve further emotional distress. It’s never wrong to ask for help and protect yourself both
AndSoItGoes Oct 2023
Or.,.. They will extract her from her home and take her cat. Some greedy conservator will redirect any gov checks she may be receiving to the conservator, who will pay him/herself handsomely. Mom will be installed in a "home"--perhaps one with which the conservator has some sort of mutually beneficial relationship.

At least consider: She's allowed to not clean her sheets. Plenty of guys do this and people just write it off as gross dude behavior. I doubt the cat minds. The only mention of harm to the cat is the full litter box.

All of that said, of course this is a source of unending anxiety for you. I'm so sorry. I just don't think that stripping your mom of her civil liberties is going to help. I think your husband is right that you would do well to regard this situation as one not within your realm of control. Maybe make occasional visits and otherwise give yourself a break?
AlvaDeer Oct 2023
Please read Liz Scheier's good memoir about her attempt to deal with her mentally ill Mom for decade without any success. She had the support of the city and state of New York's social services, and still, nothing could be done until the death of her mother in advanced years. And this went on for DECADES.

I doubt there is anything you can do. I would never take on any conservatorship or guardianship of such a person, as that is difficult enough with a cooperative kind person. And it's impossible in these circumstances.
I think guardianship of the state is the best answer, with or without placement.
I would call APS and say that you cannot deal with her but that she is a senior at risk and would like a case open, and possible Fiduciary management for diagnosis, care, placement for care, and or management.

In the end, there is perhaps nothing that CAN be done. I agree with your husband. Do not throw yourself on this funeral pyre. That is a waste of your own life.

funkygrandma59 Oct 2023
Your mom obviously has some major mental health issues, which you'll never be able to fix.
On top of her opioid addiction there's obvious severe depression and perhaps even some dementia going on. So at this point I would just call APS and report a vulnerable adult living in filth and let them take things from there.
And even if they have to take over guardianship of her and have her placed somewhere it will be better than the living conditions she's in now for sure.
Your mom is very sick and needs help, so please try to not take things she does so personally. And if it means that you have to cut ties with her for your own mental health's sake....well so be it.
Jeepgirl2960 Oct 2023
I am 48, my older sis is 51 and may God rest his soul, my brother. I am the only one who still talks to my mom and checks up on her. She has her issues but I wouldn't leave her to rot. I guess I feel a very strong obligation and I don't know why. It hasn't been easy. My mom is selfish by nature but I still go over there and check in on her, take out her garbage and clean up after the cat and have taken her bedding to my house to wash it and bring it back and my husband gets annoyed at me and tells me I am enabling her which he is probably right but I feel if I don't go over there I have failed as a daughter. I don't know...this whole thing has a mental hold on me. In the past I have been to the ER with her many times where there is nothing wrong she just wanted pills.
Geaton777 Oct 2023
Another vote to report her to APS and get her on their radar. Because of her poor condition they may move more quickly. If it were me, I'd hold back in telling them she may be an opioid addict.

But I'm wondering... if she's in that bad a shape, how is she even getting opioids? I mean, she has to renew her prescription and then go out to get them. Even if she's getting them from dealers, it wouldn't be easy, or cheap. Are you sure she's still using? She may have other medical issues, like a UTI, thyroid problem, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, etc.

The county can acquire guardianship for her and then they'd take care of all her needs and manage her affairs. May you receive peace in your heart!
Jeepgirl2960 Oct 2023
She has been taking opiods for 35 years. I believe she still takes them. She gets out by taxi to go to the hospital to the pain clinic to get them from her doctor. She has always had back trouble and also has 3 pins in her hip from falling which I think was due to her using and she got dizzy and fell. She is missing almost all her teeth which is also from drug use. So yes she does have other conditions such as COPD.
Fawnby Oct 2023
I'm kind of surprised that she is allowed to live in an apartment building in such filth. She may get evicted if this comes to the attention of management.

You seem to have done as much as anyone can on a personal basis. It may be time to back off and call APS.

Also, whether she went to her own child's funeral or not is her business. I understand why a mother wouldn't want to. Burying a child is one of life's most horrible experiences, and if she wanted to spare herself some of that anguish, that's up to her. You wanted her support, and that's understandable too. I'm sorry you didn't have it. But what's done is done, and I hope you can move on.

Tiredniece23 Oct 2023
Sounds like dementia is going on. Same as my aunt. I have no answer, except to say I know how helpless you're feeling.
Jeepgirl2960 Oct 2023
I dont think she is going through dementia yet but she is severely depressed. I never see her leave her apartment except to go get her mail downstairs and she stays inside all the time and watches TV. She doesn't call me anymore and if I want to talk to her I have to call and when I do she cuts me short for some reason and says she will call back and never does. I could write a book ...
Midkid58 Oct 2023
I am baffled as to how she is getting opioids even from a pain dr? I saw one once before my back surgeries and he was SO cautious to give me anything 'strong'.

I take Tylenol #3 for my chronic pain and I can tell you my PCP sees me every 3 months and checks my blood work and watches me closely. I have to do PT and I cannot ask for a refill even one DAY early. I don't think your mom is going to CVS for what she's taking.

Bad teeth is a side effect of meth--which is a whole different story. I have doubts she addicted to Norco, or codiene--this sounds like street drugs.

You probably can't save her. I'd call APS on her for the unclean environment, but the drugs? She has to want to get off them.

And yeah, the more I think, the more I think she's doing the heavier stuff if she is as bad as you say.

She's not getting these 'pills' from a legitimate source. All pharmacies are linked so you cannot 'shop around'.

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