How do I bring my mother home for in-home care legally and safely?

Do. Not. Bring. Her. Home. 

There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:

-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but  almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone. 

-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?

-When she worsens, and she will, how will you handle the medical needs?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?

-You will have to lock down your home to prevent possible wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night. 

-Are you able to help with bathing daily?

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?

- You'll need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?

- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her back into a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

I too am an only child no family. Let me tell you—I took care of my mother for years. I couldn’t do it anymore. The stress was horrendous and I had no life. We had aides through Medicaid and that was a disaster Then I paid for overnight care which made me broke. Mt mom is 94 with tons of medical issues and finally one day she saw how terrible I looked. She had been hospitalized for a blood clot and when I spoke with the social worker at the hospital I just broke down in tears from exhaustion. She said “it’s time to look for an alternative.” So, mom is now in nursing home. I see her everyday and I’m very visible there but I have my privacy now and time to just LIVE.
Do not take this burden on. See your mom daily but leave it to the professionals to care for her. Please listen to the advice. I know it’s very heart wrenching but don’t hesitate to make the decision to leave her in rehab. Be proactive. Meet all her therapists and doctors. Ask tons of questions. Make sure she eats. Don’t get me wrong—caring for her from afar is a full time job. But it’s from afar. God bless you and I will pray for you

It is so hard making these decisions!
((hugs)) You said 3 months and I think - how does she know everything‘s gonna be OK in three months? And then if it is three months why not leave her in rehab for three months and she’s gets better there with the 24/7 care?

As someone else said your friend won’t be there forever and you will be alone eventually. You can hire help, but this gets very expensive. Caregiver burn out is real and everyone has their own internal limit. You can last much longer than you think, even years, it all depends on your mindset and the finances to cope with everything. Some of us manage OK, some of us become zombies with sadness and depression as our best friends.

I wish it was like caring for a baby.
it is in a way but…the baby is 5’5”, 140 lbs., requires 24/7 patience for their needs 1st…. and they are never going to grow up and care for themselves.

So think long and hard first.
you have emotional desire for it, so check that off the list. Now start listing everything else. And I mean everything. Time, patience, work, friends, finances, additional resources, additional money when that money runs out, etc. etc.

Emotional desire cannot be the only factor you’re paying attention to in this decision.

God bless you. This is so hard, so hard for everyone and that’s why we’re all here supporting each other.

A social worker asked me a question before I brought my LO home from rehab after a major incapacitating stroke. She said, "How do you spend your days now? What are your hobbies, and what do you like to do?"

I told her about my dance lessons, yoga classes, business and work.

She said, "Forget all that. You're a caregiver now."

She was right. And that is what I'm saying to you.

I am sorry your Mother has had a stroke. This is life changing.

Please ask yourself the hard questions.

Love.
What does this mean to you?

A rehabilitation facility. What does that mean to you?

Do you feel love is going to cure your Mother's stroke?

Do you feel being in a home environment will bring improvements better than exercises prescribed by Physioterapists & Occupational Therapists in a rehab setting?

I do understand the feeling to wrap someone up & bring them home ❤️

Go past this feeling.
Go to thinking.
Use your judgement & reasoning.

Can you get access to enough PT & OT in the home? Will you have a team of aides? Or just one friend to help - an unpaid friend will not last long. Solo caregivers burn out very fast.

I'd say do a 48 hour trial of doing ALL Mom's care in rehab to educate yourself on the real situation. Then have a cry. A big one. It's allowed. Then start to accept what the situation is.

Duff, when my mom went to rehab after her stroke, things started out okay. She went to therapy. Was making good progress. I visited every other day.

One day, mom said "you know, I have to pay for everything here.". I replied that her stay was being covered by Medicare. She rolled her eyes.

The next day, she told my brother that the aides were having sex in her bathroom at night. And that they were transporting dead bodies up and down the hallways at night.

The next afternoon, I sat with mom as Nurse Nancy handed her all her afternoon pills and explained what each one was. When mom finished the last one, she said to me "I have to manage my own medication here."

I asked what she meant and she pointed to her water pitcher and gave me a "significant" look.

I followed Nurse Nancy out of the room, trying to quell my rising panic. As we got to the nursing station she said to me quietly "we think it possible that your mom has developed Vascular Dementia, which is pretty common after a stroke. We've already scheduled our psychiatrist to see her."

Duff,let your mom settle in to rehab. Get a psych consult if the tales of huge mix masters continue.

(((Hugs)))

Please don’t bring her home! I was just like you wanting to care for my LO it took a toll on me. I believe Gods way of finally it sinking into my head was to slow me down. I am into 2 months of trying to walk again I had a torn meniscus and stress fracture. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d have my father here at home. Please take my advice your lo is better in a home where they can care for them 24 hrs. It hurt me to put him in a home but it was the best thing for both of us. God bless you

I think this would be a task much too bit to take on at this point. Rehab sounds like the right fit at this time. 24/7 for 3 months with help of 1 person?? NO WAY.

I think you would do best to help your mom while she's in rehab. She can use extra help there and you do what you can do while still working. Let her get as much rehab and PT as possible and then see what she is able to accomplish.

If you bring her home now you will be stressed and burnt out in a VERY short amount of time. I would not do it.

So sorry for your situation. So difficult. Best of luck.

No, don’t do this. You are absolutely asking for trouble. What’s the situation with the family friend? Homeless?

You can’t possibly provide intensive max PT assistance as you aren’t trained and it takes 3 adults to care for one adult. You and your friend have no relief. Where are The other 4 people you need to pull this off?

Your mother deserves to have qualified professional care.

My small tip for when you are hit with the GO HOME speech.

This is sharing a feeling - an emotional statement. So no need to answer with facts or reason - about Doctors giving permission or rehab goals, safety or anything else. Hear the emotion & respond with emotion.

I want to GO HOME.
Just listen. Absorb it.
YES, I want you to go home too.
Hug, hold hands, cry or just sit quietly.

Everyone's different but I found my LO was calmer if appeared to feel listened to. I know myself when I say *I feel.. whatever* & my sibling glosses over or reasons it away I kinda feel ignored/dismissed. So I try to hear it (even if hard to hear).