My mom has lost 3 good friends in the last two years and is experiencing a great deal of loneliness and depression. I am an only child and she leans on me to fill the void, but we've always had a complicated relationship, and I can't be what her life-long friends were to her.
22 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I am uncertain how much discussion she had done with you. But some folks don't require "friends" and in fact don't want a lot of people, are content in our own way with our own activities day to day.
It is up to you not to feel the need to fulfill a role that simply isn't yours. Don't take it on. We aren't responsible for the loneliness of others.
I applaud you for caring, but it’s not your problem to solve. Gently steer mom toward her own personal growth so that she’ll develop coping skills instead of ending up being a responsibility that you can’t shake. If that happens, you’ll be very sorry that you allowed it.
ADVERTISEMENT
I think Dad and I have convinced her to talk to our pastor. We'll see.
You can not be her entertainment . Many of us have made that mistake and ended up being their servants and propping up a false independence .
Can you talk to Dad about going to independent living facility , where they could both make friends ? Or if they could use alittle more help , assisted living ?
Maybe he could get Mom to go .
My MIL is in LTC in a great facility. Staff come in and out of her room all day long and she jokes and chats with them. They take her out to activities and events. This is way more than what she'd get cloistered inside our home.
Seniors don't like change and both my Aunts and MIL were very resistant at first. Then they loved it.
Your profile says one (or both?) of them have hearing loss. If they don't have hearing aids (or won't wear them) this in itself will keep them more isolated if they can't even hear what is going on around them. I insisted (demanded) that my 94-yr old Mom have her hearing tested because I was tired of yelling every conversation. I walk next door to her house every morning and make her wear them. It makes a huge difference in all social interactions.
At her age, she's going to see more friends and family die than anything else. My mother saw all of her 7 siblings die off leaving her the last man standing. She lived to 95 and that's what happens with extreme old age.
My mother thrived in Senior Independent Living, along with dad, until I had to move both of them into Assisted Living when mom was 87 and dad was 90. Dad died a year later and thank God mom was living in AL.....the ladies scooped her up and brought her back into the fold. Now she was a widow, like they were, and she continued to thrive. As an only child myself, mom would've expected ME to be her entertainment committee had she lived alone in a house! 😐
With your mother being 86, she's "ready" for senior living at ANY time, where there's activities galore and lots of folks to interact with. What you don't want is to have a crisis on your hands and them being FORCED into AL after a broken hip or accident of some kind. She may just decide that new things and new people are good after all. And if not, at least it's THERE for her to utilize which lets you off the hook for being her BFF 24/7.
Good luck to you.
Also I'm sure her church(if she goes to one)has different things going on for their seniors as well. And make sure she's being treated for her depression and perhaps even going to a Grief Share support group.
Or have her move into an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her age and have lots of opportunities to do different activities.
If she chooses not to do any of the above, well that is on her not you, as you cannot and should not be her entertainment committee.
If you could start reading some of her posts* to your parents, I think they would be sold on moving. Peggy often writes about "the home" and what daily life there is like. They are never bored, that is for sure. My dad's friend moved to the same one. His first call to dad after moving was, "You have to come visit me. We have seven first class restaurants here!"
Now, I know this one is pricey, and as they say, you get what you pay for, but I think the same level of social interaction can be found in less expensive places as well.
*Mike Rowe also posts videos of his chats with his mom. Just be warned that if your parents don't like anything with a hint of being off-color, they might be bothered by the videos. You can kind of censor her FB posts as you read them if you need to, but you can't do that with the videos. The title of her most recent book is, "Vacuuming in the Nude (and other ways to get attention)" -- that gives you an idea of her humor style.
What I wonder about in the upcoming situation is why I would have to feel alone when there are many people around. Younger friends are not a horrible idea. I guess I see it this way because ALL of my students were younger. I enjoy staying in touch with them, as our interests match really well and I understand what they are up to. There are a few who seem to want to be friends with me, so that is accepted.
Another good idea: Where my grandmother was in nursing home there was a childcare facility next door and the caregivers would take the elders over to be with the children for a little while every day, giving a sense of how life renews and goes on. Comforting and really fun.
See All Answers