So many people are unsure about placing their family members in a facility.
There are several reasons why people are hesitant to place their family members in facilities. We have seen all of them addressed on this forum.
Please share your positive stories in order to help posters who are considering the idea of placement come to the realization that in many cases placement is best for everyone involved, especially the person in need of full time care.
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Your post makes perfect sense to me. I am so happy that your mom is doing better and receiving good care.
More doctors should be realistic about care, like your mom’s doctor was.
There are doctors who feel that the children are capable of taking care of their parents forever, no matter how difficult it is for them.
I can think of far worse places to die than being in a facility.
I pass homeless people on the streets on a regular basis. My heart goes out to them and I give money to some. It’s truly heartbreaking to see those who are homeless and struggling on the streets.
A facility provides care, food and shelter. So, I wouldn’t consider it to be the absolute worst place to be before I die.
My uncle didn’t want to go into a facility. All of my cousins were working full time and couldn’t care for him. His needs were extensive.
When he went into his facility he met other WW11 veterans and was well cared for. In fact, he lived for another two years in a very good skilled nursing facility. He died at age 96.
I do believe that most people will acclimate to their new surroundings.
Sure, there will be people who will be miserable but many of them were already miserable before they entered their facilities. They will never find peace of mind no matter where they are.
My uncle lived on the east coast. He and my aunt had five children together. They owned a huge two story home with a basement.
My aunt died many years before my uncle.
My cousins were always close to their parents but they live busy lives.
My uncle ended up being all alone unable to navigate the stairs and was living in the basement. He got a UTI, became septic and nearly died.
He refused to take my cousin’s advice when she told him that he needed to go into a facility. He said he would pay private caregivers.
My cousin stood her ground and was honest with her dad. She told him that he would end up paying more money in the long run and that no one in the family was interested in inheriting his home.
He finally agreed because my cousin didn’t leave him any other choice. My cousins found a really good facility for him and were great advocates for their dad.
He settled in and never asked to leave his facility.
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MIL literally and figuratively fought her placement. Up to her being put on hospice, MIL hated the MC facility and tried to escape every day. But her placement was the best thing that ever happened to us as a couple (it saved our marriage) and family.
While stressful at the time, overall the guardianship and Medicaid processes were successful. She was well cared for and was safe. We tried to keep her home but with Capgras, lack of resources and living in a rural area, there were no other options.
I wouldn't say it was a positive experience but was better than the alternatives -- every other sacrificial lamb given for her end of life.
So yes, the placement was a positive overall. IMHO, if one is unsure, choose placement.
I hate to see people regretting that they had to place their family members in a facility.
After lunch, Seaforth took my friend and me on a hike to a local attraction, which was a waterfall. He was more spry on the hill trails than I'd expected. When we got back to his place, he introduced us to his girlfriend, "Wallis." She was about 30 years younger and crazy about him. They made it clear that marriage wasn't in the works, but they loved each other and spent every spare minute together. When we drove away, Seaforth and Wallis were holding hands in the old-fashioned porch swing and waving to us.
Seaforth lived there until he was 99 and passed away peacefully knowing he was loved. He was so much better off in this facility than he would have been in his own dark outdated house with sad memories, no one to talk to, and his family showing up once in a while to stash casseroles in his freezer.
Nope.
No one goes into care with joy.
No one PUTS anyone into care with celebration.
It's kind of like saying "Golly; have to have surgery. So glad".
Not everything can be fixed. And giving up lives to the fact that aging in this country now goes on for about two decades? Not a good choice, to my mind. I wish we could be issued a final exit pill; on us if we wish to take it or not.
Going into care is about making the best of the only choice left.
Like my brother said: "It's like when I was young and in the army. I didn't like it. But I made the best of it". Indeed he DID. He sent home most of his pay to go into savings and he was known as "the banker" to his friends, that guy who would make them a loan until payday--interest free. A gay man, he got through it all well liked in a time when there was not even a protection like "don't ask--don't tell" and he got through it with grace and honor.
When he fell ill with early Lewy's his people in his last little community all wanted him to stay. He couldn't drive. Oh, D., let us take you to the store. We can easily take you with us. We will help. Your Sis is only a one hour plane trip away; she will visit" and on and on.
But he KNEW he would go from friend to burden because that's how all that worked. He made his own decision to go into care. He learned to laugh, to joke, to visit (was always so monk like, almost reclusive most of his life). He went to movies and learned to like THAT as well.
He became more tolerant of peoples' foibles and could mediate when Irma wanted the blinds up so she could paint and Marie wanted to them down to prevent glare. Again, he did it with grace. That's who he was. He got through until he was able to make that final exit he so longed for when a small unhealing wound on his shin went septic and vanco couldn't help. He explained what the world looked like with Lewy's Hallucinations. He could have been a teacher. Sometimes Teepa Snow had nothing on him!
D.'s facility in Palm Springs was wonderful. GREAT workers who looked on the elderly as their vocation, who loved them. Who cared for D. and for his ex long after D. was gone. I can't tell you how much I admire them, how inclusive and good to me they were, and to D.
Was this heaven? Nope, heaven was his last little community which he had always wanted to live , which we had walked through year after year, where he was perfectly happy and at peace for all too short a time.
So no, not stories of how lovely it all was. Though some did tell me that seniors improved in care, and D. did in fact. Fewer hallucinations. He didn't have to worry about bills and what was coming due; I took care of all that. It was a relief for him, though he continued to love getting his monthly report from me. One of the gals who worked there told me that she teased her hubby every night that she was ready and wanted to enter care and paint stuff.
My brother was a waiter all his life. He loved homes and he would buy a down at the heels down on her luck oldy and bring her back to glory, sell and move on. I told him he should do it with dollhouses; so much less work. He clipped coupons and saved for his age FOREVER. Taught to save from being a young boy, as was I, and to share and give to charity, as was I. He lived a full and happy life and saw so many changes; saw a gay man run for president. Something he could never ever have imagined.
I got no complaints. He didn't either. Oh, maybe the occ. complaint of too many corndogs and not enough fresh veggies, you know? Of Marie and Irma bickering in the common room. It's like a 60s commune" he would say. That sort of thing. Life. Just life. You've all heard these stories from me a hundred times too often.
You always bring to mind so much in memory for me, Need. Thanks for the question!
Indeed, I meant, ‘make the best of it’ when I refer to being positive. It far outweighs the negative side which is to do things or not do things that make a person’s life worse. I’m with you on the final exit pill!
Your brother was a sensible man who had an extremely sensible sister looking out for his best interests. I’m sure that he appreciated all of your efforts that went into overseeing his care. He sounds like he was a terrific guy!
His facility served him well. I’m so glad that overall you and he were pleased with it.
Mom lived quite contentedly for 4 1/2 years there.
It wasn't perfect. But they gave her wonderful care.
I feel that there is no such thing as ‘perfection.’ We don’t live in a perfect world.
The points that you made are good for people who are considering placement to know.
So many people feel like a person’s health will go downhill quickly because they are placed in a nursing home that won’t provide good care.
They don’t realize that their family member’s condition is due to the person’s age and that their disease is progressing.
What’s even sadder is if people blame themselves for a death of a parent because they didn’t provide the hands on care themselves. No one can prevent the inevitable. We are all going to die one day.
Guess what she loves it, no longer alone, made new friends and more.
She is 98 and still in good health!
To quote her " I wish that I had done this 10 years ago"! Grrrr!
I get their apprehensions. It’s really great to see that people settle down after they settle into their new surroundings.
He got dementia and she took care of him at their house. When she couldn't any longer, he moved into the memory wing of the big building that housed the dining hall, rehab, and other amenities. She could walk over to see him, eat meals in the unit, and spend as much time with him as she wished. The care was excellent. The attendants had known "Mr. Edward" for years of seeing him around. She had health problems after he died, and an alert button that she pressed when she fell. They'd come from the main building to pick her up. She stayed in her own house until she suddenly became very ill and was taken to hospice in the nearby medical center. She died at 84.
Shortly before she passed, she told me, "I never in my life expected to have such great care at the end of my life. I never thought I'd be so lucky as to live in a place like this."
Finally he agreed to go live at the VA hospital. She commenced treatment for her illness without the strain of taking care of him. He loved the VA hospital. He'd served overseas and found buddies that he could play cards with, go on trips downtown with, and hang out with onsite. Julie visited at least once a month, though it was a far drive. She said it was a wonderful place for him.
Her health began to improve as his worsened. He never moved back home. He lived there for about 10 years, into his 90s. It's a sad story, but he was where he needed to be, and according to her, he enjoyed it as much as anyone with his health issues could enjoy anything. The alternative - keeping him at home - might have resulted in a dead Julie and an equally dead Joe. We will never know, but I do recall how grateful I was that she hadn't insisted that she was going to keep him at home forever, so help her God.
How wonderful that your friend was able to return to being his wife instead of being fearful as his caregiver. Falls are frightening.
Plus, placement allowed her to take better care of herself.